AN- To Shmu, with all my heart.

This is our story. The one I've been trying to write all year. And now that we're apart, I've finally succeeded, don't you just love irony?

Yes this is a song fic- the song being used is Big Machine by the Goo Goo Dolls, I simply love the song, it is not mine, nor do I claim to own it.

Reviews are lovely.

I should be happy right? I should be. That's what I keep telling myself. But somehow, it's not working. Not working because I'd hoped for so much more.

And when I saw you today, I knew it in a moment, I still loved you, you were just sitting there, baggy gray pants, black t-shirt, glasses, black and blue beanie hanging out of your back pocket. Beautiful, fucking beautiful.

And it's weird, because I still can't cry. I've gotten better in so many ways since June, but I've also gotten worse, because since I told you I needed the summer off, I haven't cried. I can't bring myself over the edge.

Perhaps, it's because I don't know love, I don't know happiness anymore. But I knew it today. Just walking around, there was perfection to it, and just those moments in which you took me in your arms again, I could've died of happiness.

And now I'm on an emotional roller coaster down that ever cliched memory lane. The one I hate so damn much.

Ecstasy is all you need

Living in the big machine

Oh you're so vain

Now your world is way too fast

Nothing's real and nothing lasts

And I remember. The first moment we kissed. God do you remember that? It was so perfect, I remember thinking, holy fuck! I just kissed my best friend, what am I doing? But I didn't stop. No, it's more like I couldn't stop, couldn't stop, because I'd just discovered that I loved you so damn much.

And when I cried that night, you held me and we fit together perfectly. Like two lost puzzle pieces, meant to be found.

Yeah, that kinda perfection. The kind that's not supposed to exist, because it's inhuman, but that's what we were, inhuman. So fucking strong, an unbreakable bond.

And I'm aware

I'm in love and you don't care

Turn your anger into lust

I'm still here but you don't trust at all

And I'll be waiting

Never will I forget, that moment in the movie theater, my leg hung carelessly over yours, head against your shoulder. Hand in yours. And you said it, you said it first, 'I love you,' three words, three little words that filled me with an amazing sense of happiness, of joy and perfection. Of everything I ever wanted.

And I said them back.

And you kissed me.

And I remember thinking that maybe, just maybe this was forever.

And aren't I the idiot?

Love and sex and loneliness

Take what's yours and leave the rest

So I'll survive

And then I remember, how you always said you'd fuck it up. There's irony for you, because you didn't fuck up at all. You were perfect, supporting me through my slow descent into paranoia and insanity. Yup, that's what I was, absolutely insane and not in a good way. Not a way I could stand.

Do you remember that conversation we had, on the phone? Where I was crying and sobbing, and I told you, I told you that you shouldn't have to deal with this, and you told me that you'd make those decisions yourself?

Do you remember?

And you made me feel so loved.

God it's good to be alive

I'm torn in pieces

I'm blind and waiting for you

My heart is reeling

I'm blind and waiting for you

But everyone has their breaking point. All of us. Me too, I'm not perfect. No matter what you may have thought. And I broke too, I called it off, I did it. But I was the one who cried, you never cried.

You just held me as I sobbed. Always, so soothing, so perfect. So fucking perfect. You were the flawless one, not me. Not me, never me, always you.

And somehow I'm positive you knew I'd be the one to mess it up.

Still in love with all your sins

Where you stop and I begin

And I'll be waiting

There's a question, that runs over and over in my mind. Never ending, always present, only reinforced by what you told me today. How you said that you were about to call me before you read those e-mails. How after you read them, you were so hurt and confused, and you didn't know what to do.

And I wanted to cry in that moment. I really did.

More than anything in the fucking world, because I couldn't believe I had been that stupid. You were supposed to fuck up, I wasn't.

It was supposed to be you.

But instead, it was me.

And right now, you're probably wondering what that question is, I'm surprised you don't already know: Why did I send those damned e-mails? Why? You know, over the summer, I have pages, and pages, of 'letters' they're titled Letter's You'll Never See, and they're all to you, some of them angry, so angry, and other's begging for your forgiveness.

So why couldn't those damn e-mails I sent to you have been like that too?

Staying in my notebook, never to be seen by anyone's eyes but me.

Because I had a right to be angry, I just didn't have a right to take it out on you.

Never on you.

Still in love with all your sins

Where you stop and I begin

And I'll be waiting

You picked up the phone, it was late August, and when you said hello, I was so happy, so fucking happy. You were home, you were alive, and I could now tell you how much I loved you. How much I fucking loved you, how sorry I was, how... How everything was going to be ok now, because you were home. And you were safe.

And then you said you weren't interested. I don't know if I can explain to you... How I felt, how in a sentence the entirety of fantasy's my last month had been full of collapsed in moments. I have no doubts that you heard it. Heard the way my voice was trembling, heard the tears in my eyes.

Because you know me so damn well. Hell, you know me well enough to bring a watch because you knew that in an attempt to become more of a relaxed person, I'd leave mine at home.

Living like a house on fire

What you fear is your desire

It's hard to deal

I still love the way you feel

And today, I drove up to Santa Cruz, in full anticipation, hoping, wishing, dreaming, that upon seeing me, you'd remember how much you loved me. Because you had that effect on me. You got in to the car, and suddenly you were so close, and I could smell you. The smell that would stick to my sweatshirt, my pajamas, my bed, for days after you were there. The smell that wold stick to all the clothing and sheet's I'd refuse to wash for fear of losing the memory of all we had shared.

Just like you gave me your heart.

I gave you mine. Except you still have mine.

Because I don't want it back.

But you said no again. For a variety of reasons, all of them valid I'm sure. Doesn't change the fact that I think you're being stupid. And all day today I wanted to kiss you, prove to you that I was worth it, because maybe if seeing me didn't remind you of all we've shared... Maybe kissing me would.

But I wasn't brave enough. I didn't have the strength. Although perhaps it was for the better. Maybe I need to prove to you that I can be your friend first.

Maybe I need to show you how much you can trust me. How much I would do everything not to hurt you again. Because I know I did.

And I hate that I did.

Now this angry little girl

Drowning in this petty world

Oh who you run to

Swallow all your bitter pills

That's what makes you beautiful

You're all or not

I don't need what you ain't got

But I'm going to wait. Wait until you're ready. Because for once, we're going to do things your way. Because we never did that. It was always all for me. And that's not fair. Not fair to me, but more importantly. Not fair to you. We're going to be friends first, because you said you could use a friend. And that's what I'm going to be, your friend. Until YOU decide YOU want more.

Because I love you.

And when you're finally ready to have me again.

I'll be waiting.

I'm torn in pieces

I'm blind and waiting for you

My heart is reeling

I'm blind and waiting for you

I'm blind and waiting for you

I'm blind and waiting for you