Author: Zilg PM
The sequel to Edited For Content and also a parody on reality shows. PG-13 for suggestive themes.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 12 - Words: 87,983 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 07-24-06 - Published: 10-14-03 - id: 1422416
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Announcer: Welcome to a very special episode of The Pit! Tonight's episode will be hosted from space with a live studio audience! That's right! Not only will our contestants fight to stay on this show, but they'll also compete for oxygen!The Contestants
"Calm down, tell me where you are, and I'll call the police."
"If there is one thing I can do, it's multitask."
"I miss Walter. We were supposed to go through this together!"
"I need to kick something. Where's a book?"
"I have a confession to make. I am… well… I'm… how to put this? If I had a choice between an orange and an apple, someone would have to die."
laughs"I can't"laughs"it said"laughs"Toothpaste!"laughs
"Fireballs will probably kill you. Most likely… unless you're big; then you can just shrug it off and become small."
Ben: I believe that I'm going to win this game. After all, I'm the best person here, I have the largest fan base, and no one else is quite as modest as me.
Bryan: I think people should be beaten up for stating their beliefs.
George: Is that a belief of yours?
Sam: n00b crusher, 0x1218 He just got pwned!
(Morgan runs in)
Morgan: Have you guys been to the balconies yet?!
Bryan: No, why?
Morgan: Come see! It's awesome!
Matt: I bet it's not.
Bryan: Elephant Bomber, 36 I'll see anything that's awesome… even if it's slightly predictable.
(Morgan leads them to the balcony door)
Morgan: Go ahead… step outside.
Bryan: I'll do it.
George: NO! I'm going first!
(George pushes Bryan out of the way, opens the balcony door, and gets sucked into the vacuum of space; Morgan closes the door)
Morgan: laughs 67 of all guys are dumb.
Ben: Well I'm part of the other 13.
Ben: Formidable Sin, 10,000 Math and percentages were some of my stronger points in school.
(Celeste comes running in)
Celeste: You guys, I feel so American.
Morgan: Did you shoot someone?
Celeste: Close; I wrote to my congressman about an issue that I was having difficulties coping with, and he wrote me back saying my letter inspired him to work harder for our country and for his constituents.
Celeste: Hell no; I ate a cheeseburger and took a nap. I said American, not productive.
(George bangs on the window from outside)
Celeste: Is that George? Is that space?! How is he still alive?!
Bryan: Probably the same way a castle is in space.
Morgan: Early Native Settler, 14 My life would be a lot more interesting if Vikings invaded every once and a while.
Sam: Hey, look out there! I see a bunch of plasma in the vacuum!
Ben: Plasma? Isn't that the stuff that comes out of caves in Alaska?
Sam: No… that's lava… and volcanoes… and Hawaii.
Bryan: You are dumb.
Ben: Well I heard that the moon and the dinosaurs—
Bryan: Just stop talking now.
(George continues to bang on the window)
Bryan: Shouldn't we do something?
Sam: Nah, he'll get out eventually; he just needs to power-up.
Bryan: Dude… you've seriously been playing too many videogames.
(Bryan goes to the balcony door)
Morgan: Hey! What are you doing? Do you know how long it finally took me to launch one of you guys into space?
Celeste: She's right; this is awesome. You can't ruin it.
Celeste: Norwegian Environmentalist, 49 Once I captured a bee that was trying to sting me, and I put it in the freezer. When it was frozen, I tied a string to it and waited for it to thaw out; when it did I walked it like a small flying dog until it started chasing me like it wanted to sting me again so I smashed it with a frozen chicken. Teach that bee.
(Sam opens the door; George gets sucked in and hits the opposite wall)
George: You threw me into the vacuum of space!
Matt: I didn't do anything.
George: Not you! Her!
Morgan: I didn't mean to do it to you; you just pushed Bryan out of the way.
George: Arsenic Tester, 27 I guess it was my fault, but I still don't think it was justified. Space is cold.
Celeste: Morgan can do what she wants. You're not the boss of her.
George: She tricked me into flying into outer space! That's attempted murder!
Morgan: I told you to look outside, not push Bryan out of the way and get sucked into a vacuum.
George: You should have warned me!
(George steps up closer in an intimidating manner; Celeste punches him in the face)
Sam: Hey now, don't make me embarrass you guys on national television; Jessica Alba may be watching. You wouldn't want to be embarrassed in front of Jessica Alba, would you?
Ben: We're on TV?
(George punches Bryan)
Bryan: What was that for?!
George: It doesn't feel right punching a girl.
Matt: Addict, 23 This is too much. I need a smoke.
(Bryan swings at George; George ducks and Bryan hits Matt; Matt sets Bryan on fire)
Bryan: OMG! I'M ON FIRE!
(no one moves)
Morgan: Did you just shout "OMG"? Not "Oh My God," but "OMG"?
(Bryan puts out the fire by rolling)
Bryan: Excuse me for speaking in palindromes.
Bryan: Oh yeah. What is a palindrome?
Morgan: No it isn't.
(an alarm goes off)
Celeste: What's going on?!
Bryan: I think it's the smoke alarm.
Ben: What could have set off the smoke alarm?
George: dripping with sarcasm I don't know Ben… maybe Bryan's flaming shirt?
Celeste: No… I think it's Matt.
(Matt turns off his grill)
Matt: I'm sorry! I just really like smoking… pork on the grill.
Morgan: Can I at least have some?
(everyone eats the barbeque Matt prepared)
George: This was a good idea.
Sam: Yeah, I don't remember the last time we had a barbeque. Oh wait…
Sam: Hey everybody! Want to have a barbeque?
(everyone has a barbeque)
Everybody: Wow Sam. What a great idea. You are awesome. I think you should win this game. Sam Sam Sam. He's super great. No one can possibly match his wit and mad skills.
Sam: Yeah, those were the days.
Morgan: Sam… that never happened.
Sam: How do you know? You weren't on my team.
George: You can't just have flashbacks of events that never occurred.
Sam: Did you write the script?
George: This is reality TV.
Sam: Yeah, well tell that to the vacuum outside.
Sam: n00b crusher, 0x1218 Don't tell me what never happened… because I know. It happened. Like an etch-a-sketch.
(a letter falls on the table)
Matt: How did this happen?
Bryan: It doesn't matter, just read it.
(Matt reads the letter)
Matt: Apparently we're to report to the main hall for our next immunity challenge… and it says (and I quote) 'Bring your air. You will need it.' Wow, this is going to suck.
Morgan: No, it may still be fun.
Bryan: All the past challenges have sucked pretty badly; this one will too. This game is not fun.
Sam: This is not fun. This is not fun.
Morgan: At least give it a chance.
Celeste: That's like giving termites a chance to become carnivores. It's not going to happen, and if it does, I still don't think I'd like it.
Matt: Face it Morgan, nothing on this show is worth anything anymore.
Morgan: That's not true!
George: Name one thing.
George: Oh yeah.
Bryan: The fact remains that this is not going to be fun.
Ben: I'm not even enjoying it, but I don't know why.
Morgan: Early Native Settler, 14 I swear, I'm the last optimist on Earth.
Celeste: When do we have to be at the challenge?
Matt: It doesn't say.
Bryan: So can we not go if we choose?
Matt: Don't ask me; I stopped caring long ago.
George: We should go ahead and go—
(a cake hits George in the face)
Morgan: Happy birthday!
Bryan: What has gotten in to you today?
Sam: Yeah, she just owned you. Let's go.
George: Arsenic Tester, 27 That's it; this means war. It's time to find my fireworks stash.
Commercial Guy: COMMERCIAL! BUY OUR PRODUCTS! WEEEEE! LOOK! IT'S FUN! IT CAN TALK; SEE IT SAYS BUY ME BUY ME BUY ME BUY ME—
Sam: They're running out of decent commercial ideas.
John: reading documents You guys, check this out! My show sold out in minutes!
Jiru: I can tell.
Jake: I think he means the audience seating.
Jiru: Oh, right.
Chelsea: John… how did you get the castle into space?
John: Some things are better left unasked.
(Dixon walks in without pizza)
Rem: Why did you even bother showing up if you didn't have the pizza?
Dixon: Let's just say that unemployment is awesome.
Chelsea: You got fired?
Dixon: It's a long story.
Chelsea: You aren't going anywhere.
John: Shh! The show's back on!
(John turns on the TV)
Commercial Guy: HAVE YOU BOUGHT ME YET?!
I've Lost Count, but it's a Challenge Nonetheless
Oh wait, Eleventh. Duh.
John: Welcome, to SPACE!
Matt: This is an empty room… with gravity.
Celeste: Well, as long as this challenge isn't some lame breath-holding contest, it'll be ok.
Sam: Yeah, there's no reason to resort to that when there are so many cooler options available.
John: Excuse me for a moment.
(John runs backstage)
Morgan: Where'd he go?
Ben: He's not in here anymore.
George: Um… we know that much.
Bryan: That's like saying drowning victims are wet.
George: Well, what do we do know?
Morgan: Early Native Settler, 14 I used to believe in faeries and unicorns; now I don't know what to believe.
John: Quick! I need a new challenge; they made fun of the breath-holding contest before I even revealed it!
Sam: You were going to make them hold their breath in that giant spherical room that's void of gravity?
Sam: That's a terrible idea.
John: I've got nothing! Jiru, you're smart! Help me!
Jiru: I don't even know why I'm still in this story.
John: Anyone? Rem? Dixon? Jake?
Dixon: Make them play in a Magic tournament.
Rem: No! A draft.
Dixon: With old cards!
John: Any good suggestions?
Chelsea: Dodge ball.
John: In zero-gravity?
Jake: YES! That would be awesome.
Chris: That's it; we're playing paintball in space.
John: I don't have the equipment on hand.
Chelsea: Dodge ball?
Sam: I have some dodge balls!
(Sam grabs two dodge balls from a box)
Chelsea: We could all be on the edges and have them throughout the middle.
John: You know… that might work.
Dixon: I like the other idea.
John: No… stick with this. We'll need an official announcer, too.
Jake & Rem: Me!
John: One! Rock/paper/scissors it.
(Jake and Rem play rock/paper/scissors; Jake chooses rock, Rem chooses paper)
Rem: Ha! I win!
(Jake punches him with his already-clenched fist)
Jake: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you.
John: Stop. Rem, get to the announcer booth. Everyone else, suit up and get inside the room.
Jiru: Wait, there is a slight problem.
John: It better be good news.
Jiru: Um… no. Remember the live audience?
Jiru: You had them watch the show from outside the castle. Outside the castle is space.
Jiru: They're all dead.
John: Call me lawyers, and tell them make copies of those consent forms all the audience members signed; I have a feeling we'll need them in court.
Jiru: But there wasn't anything about a risk of death.
John: Tell them to add small print. I've got a game show to host!
Sam: Reality show.
Bryan: Elephant Bomber, 36 Nineteen million dollars off, but we're still good!
The Eleventh Challenge
Morgan: Didn't they just call out the eleventh challenge?
George: Didn't you just call this?!
(George throws a lit bottle rocket at her)
(the bottle rocket fires off, misses Morgan and hits John in the arm as he walks back in)
(John falls down in pain)
Bryan: You just shot the host!
Sam: This is time for some terrible owning.
Celeste: Will you shut up about the 'owning'?
Sam: I just tell it like it is.
Matt: Addict, 23 Maybe I'll just got over here. I don't know. Perhaps later. That's cool, right? I guess. I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore. sigh My life is so hard.
John: clearly in pain Ok… I think I'm ok.
George: Uhm… I really am sorry, you know.
John: Just, hold on. Ok. So… that challenge.
Ben: Can we just go ahead and say I win?
John: No. In fact, you're probably going to lose. This is very simple: everyone will put on one of these space suits, go into the room of zero gravity, and avoid the balls.
John: Yes. Dodge the balls. They will be thrown at you by people on several parts of the walls. For momentum and shields, we have several floating boxes in random places. The game will start when the buzzer is set off.
Celeste: Norwegian Environmentalist, 49 The last time I played dodge ball someone died. AHHHH!
John: So, get started before you regret it!
Matt: I regret everything.
George: Arsenic Tester, 27 The next time I see a man steal steaks from a grocery store by placing them in his fanny pack, I'm going to shave a kitten.
(the seven remaining contestants are situated in the center of the spherical zer-gravity room; floating boxes are everywhere; Jake, John, Sam, Chelsea, Jiru, Chris, and Dixon are all separated towards the wall with several dodge balls at their disposal)
Rem: announcing The rules are simple! If you get hit, you will be an immobilized piece of person until the game is over. The winner is the last one mobile. Any questions?
Ben: What if we can't move out of the way in time?
Rem: announcing Good!
Rem: announcing And they're off! Morgan and Sam barely dodge a volley from Chris; it looks like aiming might actually matter in this game. Oh! There goes Celeste, using Matt as a human shield. Dixon fires and Celeste throws Matt at the ball!
Matt: OH MY GOD!
(Matt slams into the ball, becomes immobilized, and slams into a wall)
Rem: announcing laughs Looks like this game is getting rough. There goes Bryan taking advantage of the boxes. Look at that little man jump from box to box, narrowly avoiding everything Sam tosses his way.
(Bryan grabs a floating box and deflects two oncoming balls)
Rem: announcing Nice move! And there's George, trying his best to avoid everything. He's doing a pretty good job at it, too. Wait, what's this? Morgan?!
(Morgan pushes George slightly; he floats hopeless in void space)
Rem: announcing laughs There's no way for George to gain momentum now. He's a floating target, and nothing more.
(six balls hit George from every direction)
Rem: announcing That looked painful! Ben seems to be a favorite target for several of the dodge balls.
(Ben uses sheer luck to avoid the balls… no skill whatsoever)
Rem: announcing Wow is he lucky. AH! Sam has just been eliminated! It appears Celeste bludgeoned the ball towards him with one of the boxes; what a surprise. I think she's going to be in the final few—
(a ball smacks Celeste in the back of the head)
Rem: announcing Cheap shot! That was a cheap shot! Ugh. Anyway, WHOA LOOK AT THAT!
(Morgan and Bryan square off with weird athletic movements to avoid balls while redirect them at each other)
Rem: announcing This would be so much cooler if you could actually see it rather than read it! Morgan and Bryan eliminate each other at the same time! Amazing! All the contestants are eliminated! We have no winner!
Ben: What about me?!
Rem: announcing …crap. It looks like Ben wins.
Ben: I told you!
Rem: announcing I suppose Ben has immunity this week. That sucks.
Ben: Formidable Sin, 10,000 I really like winning. I've never won anything before.
Commercial Guy: Now you can own your own space castle! Only 1 trillion 99.
Sam: That was fun! We should play that game again.
John: We will. Never.
Jake: Eighteen thousand years ago the evil nemesis dark lord of the fifth quadrant in the realm of the netherworld from the first and most powerful legion of politicians—
(Jiru hits him with a pillow)
Jiru: PILLOW FIGHT!
(a pillow fight ensues)
Chris: This is just getting silly.
Commercial Guy: And that's how you win a pillow fight. Now, back to our show!
(Official Hate Ben Day)
(Sam, Bryan, and George are circled around Ben shooting him with paintball guns)
Ben: OW! THAT HURTS!
Bryan: I feel fine.
George: Yeah, I'm not getting hurt either.
Sam: shoots Ben Stop shooting yourself. shoots Ben Stop shooting yourself.
Ben: I'm not! You're shooting me!
Ben: Formidable Sin, 10,000 Why are there hating me? I didn't want to win that stupid game!
Sam: n00b crusher, 0x1218 What? It's a holiday.
(Morgan and Celeste throw water balloons at them)
Sam: I'm melting! MELTING!
(Sam falls to the floor)
Bryan: Let's get out of here!
(Bryan and George run; they trip on Matt)
Matt: Hey! I'm sleeping here!
(George kicks Matt and runs away)
Matt: Addict, 23 I'm bored… and hungry. I better grab a giraffe; it's the only this better than a Snicker's.
(Ben goes to Celeste and Morgan)
Ben: I really hate them.
Morgan: That's good.
Ben: Really? Why?
Morgan: Because then you'll go to Hell for your hatred and free up Heaven for the better people.
Ben: I mean, I used to hate them. I don't anymore… starting now.
Celeste: I hate you all.
Morgan: Early Native Settler, 14 What happened to the infinitely love we all used to share?
(Bryan, George, and Sam are playing videogames while having a conversation)
Bryan: How is Luigi better than Mario?
George: It's obvious!
Sam: Yeah, Luigi totally pwns.
Bryan: That's not even a word.
George: Ok, Luigi is green. Green things are cool.
Bryan: That is a logical fallacy.
George: Yoda is green.
Sam: So is Yoshi.
Bryan: Don't get me started on the dino-horse-male-egg-laying thing, ok? Besides, Yoda and Yoshi are green; Luigi wears green.
George: The green ranger wore green.
Bryan: He had a freaking flute.
George: It was part sword!
Bryan: It was also part flute…
Sam: n00b crusher, 0x1218 Why do our conversations always turn into something like this?
(Morgan, Celeste, Matt, and Ben are sitting in a circle)
Morgan: See? This is nice.
Celeste: Actually, it's quite… refreshing.
Matt: I enjoy it as well.
Ben: unenthusiastically We're knitting.
Celeste: You'll be glad we're making these sweaters once it gets cold out.
Ben: Isn't it space? I don't think a sweater is going to make a difference.
Matt: I bet I could stab you in the eye with this needle.
Ben: Knitting is fun.
Ben: Formidable Sin, 10,000 Just for the record, I don't like knitting.
Bryan: The Little Mermaid is a far better movie than Cinderella.
George: No way! Cinderella is a classic, man. Glass slippers, if you know what I mean.
Sam: Snow White beats 'em both.
Bryan: Something tells me Happy and Dopey had something going on in that movie.
(Sam hits him)
Sam: They did not!
Bryan: Ok, then maybe they all took turns on Snow White.
George: Why would you name someone Snow White? Nowadays that would be gothic angst emo crap.
Bryan: Besides, Snow White was inspired by date rape.
Sam: Idiot! That's Sleeping Beauty.
Bryan: That one too.
Sam: They're still both better than the crap that is The Little Mermaid.
George: Yeah, they don't have anything on The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, or Aladdin.
Bryan: Ok, The Lion King is Hamlet with animals, and Beauty and the Beast has more drunkards than Pinocchio.
George: What's your argument against Aladdin?
Bryan: I have none. Aladdin is awesome. But Jasmine is no Ariel.
Sam: Why do you like Ariel so much? I mean, you can't do anything with that fish tail in the way.
Bryan: Maybe I'll find my own mermaid, with the fish part on top and the human part on bottom.
George: You pretty much stole that directly from an episode of Futurama.
Bryan: No I didn't.
George: Yes you did; it was the lost city of Atlanta episode.
Bryan: Shut up! It made me think, and that's the kind of mermaid I want! I'm going to find her now!
Sam: In a castle?
Bryan: Listen, after those snakes and the fact that we're now in space, if I want a mermaid I'm sure I'll be able to find a mermaid.
George: You actually like Snow White?
Sam: This coming from the Cinderella fanboy?
George: She was an abused child of misfortune!
Sam: Snow White had an evil witch trying to kill her because a mirror told her she wasn't pretty!
(George and Sam start fighting)
George: Arsenic Tester, 27 Don't ask me why, but I just absolutely love fighting over nothing.
Matt: Can you believe the activities in the political scene?
Celeste: They do seem sort of facetious and moralistically ambiguous.
Morgan: Why do they even allow those types of topics to become political? They're social topics about our life and the way we live it. The government shouldn't try and tell people how to live, especially if people aren't harming anyone.
Celeste: Some issues that should be more high-profile seem to be ignored, however. I just don't understand how the mass population of our country can be so ignorant.
Ben: Me neither.
Morgan: I know what you mean, Celeste. It seems some people are more interested in which Disney Princess was better rather than discussing ways to advance our society into a better place to live.
Matt: I'm going to get a soda.
Morgan: Will you get me one too?
Matt: What kind?
Morgan: Whatever you're having.
Matt: You sure?
Morgan: Without the Irish, please.
Matt: Oh. Fine.
Celeste: Same here!
Ben: I don't know what we're agreeing on, but I want some!
Ben: I heard that there are more people in the world today. That's feminists' fault.
Bryan: Elephant Bomber, 36 I will find a cure to this terrible disease if it's the last thing I do! Wait… no, I'm going to find a fish-chick. She won't know what she's doing!
(Bryan searches through the halls)
Bryan: Wow. This is actually more boring than previously anticipated.
(splash in the distance)
Bryan: What was that?! Is that the sound of my fish-lady in the water?!
(Bryan runs through a door and find a pool)
Bryan: I smell fish! Fish… fishy fish. Come out, come out, wherever you are!
(Bryan dives in the water and then gets out)
Bryan: That was dumb.
(Matt gets out of the water)
Matt: What are you doing?!
(Bryan runs to Matt)
Matt: Get off me! I just came to get some drinks.
Bryan: At the pool?
Matt: Yes! What were you doing?!
Bryan: Looking for a reverse mermaid.
Matt: You mean a school bus?
Bryan: No, mermaid. Never mind, fish-boy. Get some medication for that, why don't you?
Matt: The store was sold out!
(Matt runs away crying)
Matt: Addict, 23 Why can't people look past my only flaw and learn to love me?
Celeste: Norwegian Environmentalist, 49 Is this episode over yet?
Commercial Guy: I have run out of things to talk about!
Jiru: These commercials are getting lame.
Chelsea: So are you.
Jake: I think I'm going to vote for—
John: Don't! You can't say it, it's supposed to be a secret.
Sam: You can't censor us.
John: There is a difference between censorship and spoiler warnings.
Rem: Darth Vader is Luke's father.
Jiru: Snape kills Dumbledore.
Chelsea: That's a pretty big leap in time, don't you think.
Chris: I guess.
Dixon: Yeah, I don't have any good lines either.
Commercial Guy: Your ad here! Only one dollar! No seriously… if you are reading this, I'll put an ad in the next commercial break for you for only one dollar. It's cheap!
John: The Pit members! ASSEMBLE!
(they arrive and line up)
John: I will give you each a chance to persuade the audience to let you live… alphabetically.
Ben: Ben. I have immunity. Screw you guys.
Bryan: Bryan. I have an ongoing quest to find the fish-girl of my dreams.
Celeste: Celeste. I cause conflict.
George: George. My character can easily steal lines that should belong to others.
Matt: Matt. I hate this place. Send me home.
Morgan: Morgan. I don't want to leave!
Sam: I pwn.
John: Who will it be? Stay tuned!