Notes: /blah/ emphasis, like underlining

blah movie/book title

/blah /blah/ blah/ double emphasis on the /blah/

Oh my gosh.

I fall to the floor, not caring who hears me or what they think. I fight the urge to laugh. What a first. Colleen would have liked that, probably with a smirk too as always.

It's so silly really. So friggin' hilarious how such absurd things make you cry. Cry so that you rock back and forth, lost in your mantra that you find refuge in.

Now I sound like Autumn.

I shouldn't feel like this. But I do.

It shouldn't affect me this way. But it does.

Autumn would probably right a poem about. Her with those magnificently passionate artistic hands and frighteningly graceful notes of verse. So beautiful; they always made me cry inside. Not like I would have let anyone know about it though.

I grab the tissue box. I might even use the whole stupid pack. Maybe I'll have to go down into the cabinet downstairs and lie to Mom how my nose just won't quit.

Probably just blew my vacation to Cancun this weekend for Easter. But I don't care. I couldn't stay there at school, not after what I had seen.

Mom's knocking on the door; she can't come in. I locked it on my run to my room. She's wondering if I'm hungry for chicken soup.

It was so beautiful, but it hurt so much to watch.

Like I said, silly.

But it wasn't really what I saw from it, but what I felt. Their vibe, god it hit me like a shockwave. It pierced through my very being, and I almost doubled over. I couldn't stay there after that.

Mrs. Sheen, it didn't take much to convince her that I needed to go home. I forget what she thought I had, PMS or flu, I don't remember. And I don't care.

She's so unique. Almost like that Disney movie. What was it? Oh yeah, Beauty and the Beast. But she's no Belle, and definitely no Beast. She is the rose, so red and so perfect Beast chased Belle away so she wouldn't ruin it.

Maybe I was just jealous the whole time. I thought her obnoxious, like she thought she was too good for the rest, always so quiet with her book or them; Colleen and Laura.

Perfection was achieved with her.

Tall, slim, semi-tan complexion, deep brown eyes that not even glasses could hide their intensity. Wavy shoulder-length hair that was always neat and so soft looking, she was truly nice to look at. Just ask Chris. I catch him looking at her at times. Little glances, but I can tell.

I think he loves her.

You must think I'm silly; after all, we are all only just sixteen. What do we know about love anyway? But he's always so kind; whenever Carter or Andrew makes a crack at her, he steers them off course.

Maybe Tim knows too. He is her cousin after all. He told me once how Autumn cried so hard when he moved into another neighborhood. Tim doesn't take any crap from anyone insulting her.

They belong together.

Not Tim and Autumn. That's just wrong. But /them/. Always together, always so close; so intense. They truly belong. Colleen is an outcast, little gamer whiz with a brain, but no looks. Mora is the one with a bad temper, the tallest and oldest and has an obsession with Japanese anime.

Maybe that's why Autumn is there. As a balance, I mean. Colleen and Mora certainly are too different to get along long without her. Such tension needs, no, /craves/ for the stability such gentleness and passionate warmth so willingly give.

That must be why.

I am not thinking straight. I'm overreacting. Certainly wouldn't be the first time. But-

-So beautiful.

I bet they didn't even know the depth of what they were doing. Let alone that I was there. I mean, they were supposedly alone. They always are; social outcasts but whatever. Maybe that's the only reason they were so intense, so aware of the other's emotions. I'm sure they most likely don't even think about it. All they know is each other; they are all that matter.

I mean, it was so effortless, and simple. Your friend getting teased happens so often. Let alone forgetting a book.

Matt had teased Colleen again. I said nothing, as usual. What had I cared? These losers meant nothing to me, and Matt was just having some fun.

He went too far. I don't remember what he said, but the next thing I knew, Autumn's expression actually narrowed for a moment. Brief yes, but I caught it. Colleen's fists were balled, and Autumn had given a warning glance to stop a slap.

Chain reaction I guess.

Matt and I walked away laughing.

I look around my room now. I glare at the pictures littering my dresser. Pictures of Sarah, Jenna, Laurie, Marissa, Ann, and the whole group in miscellaneous shots covered it. All were smiling.

It made me sick for some odd reason. I wanted to leap up, throw them to the ground and scream like a child shaking my fits and clawing at my face until the skin peels away. It doesn't feel real anymore.

Everything feels so...fake.

Not like them.

I had gone halfway down to the bleacher where the gang usually hung when I realized I forgot my Social Studies book. Test later on the Civil War and I needed the extra cramming. I waved to Matt and fled back to the school.

God this is so hard.

I came to the building, the one I'll never look at as the same again. I flew in and out so as not to get in trouble. I ran outside.

Autumn and Colleen were there.

I don't know why, but I felt this...wall. Instinct made me move quietly behind a bush. I remember the sharpness of the needles as my knees were dug into by them-my indifference.

My mind processing only one thought: watch them.

Mother, go away, I don't want soup for crying out loud!

...

Maybe it was her stance, the tilt of Autumn's head that made me freeze.

Maybe it was Colleen's red face.

Mora wasn't there. She had been picked up by her mom for a dentist appointment. Maybe that was a good thing.

Colleen was bawling. Had Matt really gone too far this time? Colleen never cried.

Autumn's demeanor was so scary-so rigid.

"Why can't they just leave me alone?" Colleen said angrily.

"Because they don't understand us." Autumn replied, cool and smooth as ever.

"For once, I wish they could. Damn it! I'm sick of this place-"

"When are we making our getaway to Canada?"

Autumn made Colleen laugh at that.

Strange. Autumn's voice was so pacifying, yet her back was so harsh and set.

Then, oh God, It happened. It was so simple a gesture. So silly. Just a friend comforting another, right?

"Shoot them all." Colleen said, still venting.

Autumn said nothing. Then, "You really want me to?"

The seriousness and steely tone that voice carried made me feel nauseous. Good God, she was sincere!

Colleen laughed again, but just like a sharp knife. "Joke." Was all she said. Whether she meant 'it was a joke' or 'you can't' I'll never know.

I don't want to know!

".And?"

"Ugh!" Colleen said, throwing up her hands in mock disgust.

"Do not mock me mortal." Autumn said; her posture relaxing.

"They mock me."

Why did I have to be there? So simple, so honest, and so pure. It held no merit. Anyone else wouldn't have cared. They would have just walked away. It was so strange. Autumn's attitude was so normally.detached. Uncaring. Not cold, just soft and silent. It was so odd to see her opening up.

It was just beginning.

But I'm overreacting, remember? No one else would have cared but me, because I'm a stupid girl with zip anything. I barely got into this high school.

I mean, what was so special? Why not be warm to your best friend?

They were so quiet for a while. Colleen was crying softly again. Autumn's disposition was so dejected; helpless.

I felt the pressure like I felt David's hands when he danced with me last week. I leaned forward, so desperate not to miss one thing. A rock dug into my kneecap and I have a squeak.

Go /away/ Dad!

I retreated, afraid and I don't know why even now. Autumn would be very angry, that was all I knew.

After a few minutes I realized they hadn't even noticed me, let alone heard my gasp of pain. They paid no attention to anything else; too wrapped up in helping the other. Not the songs of summer, not the shrieks of the others on the blacktop, not the butterflies whizzing around them, not the teacher calling in the distance.

Just...each other.

Colleen was still sobbing softly, hand wiping away the liquid now and then. Her eyes were bloodshot.

I can't really explain what it was, it just made me awestruck.

The atmosphere changed.

Autumn spoke, her voice strained from most likely trying not to cry herself. "Hey." Was all she said.

It wasn't even my business being there.

I had no right to be.

Just a gesture of comfort.

Just a gesture of friendship.

If Matt had seen it, he would have called them lesbians. I would have slapped him, I really would have.

It was no act of twisted, X-rated gaiety.

It ran deeper. Deeper, an ancient deep coming from a time when people were less suspicious, more trusting, when a simple act like this was shown everywhere.

I heard it, the volumes of dedication, of friendship, of trust long forgotten.

Until now.

Just the warmest action, the gentlest touch.

Just a friendly, tender touch, Autumn placed her hand on Colleen's shoulder. "Don't cry." Was all she said, so faintly yet so stunningly melodious I wanted to burst out sobbing right then and there.

I had run then, back into the building. If they noticed hadn't noticed my squeal they most certainly hadn't heard my leaving. I had run, run so fast I was surprised the intercom hadn't come on yelling at me to walk. I dashed into the nurse's office and into her bathroom.

I threw up.

It was too exquisite, too pure for someone like me to have looked upon. Me: one who tormented them, one who talked behind them on a daily basis. A slut. God, I had cried in that now-tainted bathroom and didn't come out until Mrs. Sheen threatened to break the door down. I couldn't stop bawling.

/What is /wrong/ with me?/ They shouldn't have affected me like that!

I finally do it; I knock off all the pictures. Why /shouldn't/ they have comforted each other? It was only natural damn it! So simple, I'm being dramatic.

Aren't I? My heart hurts. Hurts so bad I am surprised I can breathe.

Damn it. The tissues are all gone.

And what for? Just because Autumn and Colleen are closer than my gang and I could ever be? That Colleen and Autumn and Mora have something so special, so sacred, they enfold themselves in each other so close a person would be damned to break them apart?

I don't want to think about it.

But I do. I remember how Autumn would always be so kind and soft. Everything about her is soft! She's got the purest attitude, but the suckiest life. It's no secret what happens in her family.

Chris will never get her.

Autumn will be pleasant to him, yes. She'll talk to him, give him degrees of attention.

But he'll never tear her away from them. It's too late. Anyone who hopes to mess with them will only get confused by them and end up in therapy the rest of his/her miserable life. You can't cut a thread and bond as strong as theirs with anything.

I've never...

Now my older brother is trying to get in; says something about Tracy on the phone. I don't care.

Please oh please let me be deceiving myself. I /have/ to be!

But this ache in my stomach, a sinking pit won't leave. I'm fooling myself! I am I am I am!!

Or else...

I can't see. Too many tears are blocking my line of vision. I can't see anything. All I see are blurred images of my room. Ironic how this applies to my situation.

I'm going insane. I have to be. Sane people don't react like this. I'm crazy, and every night from now on I'll see them like that.

I am jealous.

Jealous they have found something out of my grasp.

This isn't right! So out of proportion! So twistingly exaggerated-it's just too simple! It's too trusting and perfect and-

NO!

But...

Everything's into place now.

Laura, drawing doodles and fantasizing dreams never to be a reality.

Colleen, doing homework that's probably not due until next year.

And Autumn, with her quiet, knowing smile and wisdom-filled eyes looking at me whenever I taunt her. Her fluid movements as she moves the pencil to her fancy. The deep blue ink flowing from the pen giving birth to more poetic genius and she sits quietly as the thoughts pour.

They are all like they're sleeping. Like, without each other they are almost 'hibernating' and when they are together they awaken...

NO!

It's so stupid. Dumb, stupid, idiotic. Why am I thinking this way to begin with?! I feel like I'm drowning, like in a void that's constantly swirling and will never let me go while I try not to suffocate even though it is futile to do so.

I want to scream.

How long have I locked myself in here?

Stupid me. It was just a little display of affection. Balance, remember?

/Right?!/

They are best friends.

Always will be.

God I am so jealous!

Please...

I wipe away my childish, foolhardy tears.

Please...

Autumn, why are you so wise?

God I need it...

So beautiful...

Please give me that too.

-Owari