Omake: Trust & Betrayal

Angst.

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It was lust that first drew me to you, and it was the urge to submit to primal pleasures that kept me your willing prisoner.

I was a blind man to all but your eyes, brilliant ruby beacons in the surrounding darkness of the world.  Those eyes guided me to the very summits of bliss as my will slowly dissolved, longing for the sensations you sent rippling through me. I basked in your light, but even the delicate flower opening its petals to sunlight’s kiss can be scorched by those same life giving rays, reduced to a pathetic, withered husk of its former self.  Your light was too intense, too cruel, leaving burns which shall never heal. Love is a fire that one must guard against.

Yet I was young and spellbound, having discovered something beyond the narrow realm of scholarly knowledge, something foreign to my inexperienced body.  I discovered a universe full of physical sensations that could be controlled and manipulated - you showed me that all too well - as skillfully as any spell and producing results equally powerful and dramatic.  I ached inside to saturate my very pores with this feeling, and for the longest of times I was drunk on it: the tingling, the shivers, and the blissful pain that starts in your heart and stretches slowly to from your smallest toe to the very tips of your hair.  I wanted nothing but to hold on to a moment of rapture where I was not man, and you were not woman, but we were merely halves merging in a perfect union. I wanted to feel whole.

But it is a deadly thing having a woman so deeply etched in the fiber of your being and infused in every drop of your blood, and it drove me mad with jealousy when you graced others with your smile, your sweet laughter, or a kind word.  Yet when you held me during the cold nights all was forgotten in the wake of our passion.  So immense and endless what we had seemed.  I felt as if the universe lay open before me and I was invincible…immortal…omnipotent.  Sensual emotions became the key to achieving a state where I did not just feel like a hollow individual wearing a mask so that the world could not see how utterly bleak and helpless I actually was. Or so it seemed.

And then, slowly, cruelly, with expert precision, you killed a part of me, leaving me a cripple in body and soul. You left me feeling nothing in this void that consumed my heart. Now, as I stare out the window and watch the rain run down the bubbled glass, I see not the beauty of the light as it reflects rainbow colors in droplets clinging to the glass or the pattern of tiny rivers that run down the slick surface. I see nothing but the imperfections, the chaos, and the ugliness. I shall never feel warm again.

I hate you. You showed me a beautiful, sunny world of endless possibilities then took it away on a whim. I hate you with the same iciness that infuses my body now. And this whole world pities what I have lost and shall never have it back again. You took from me my love and my compassion, leaving me only hate and the anger at this injustice.

It was lust that first drew me to you, but it is hate that draws me still.