Hope.

The white, sterile walls are far from what you were expecting, but then, you realise, maybe you should have been expecting them. After all, this is a hospital room. But then again, you’ve never associated white with him. He’s always been so happy and full of life that white just isn’t a colour you would expect to see surrounding him. You realise, white is such a contrast with his vibrant personality…you almost want to cry there and then…almost, but you don’t.

You’re glad you brought flowers with you. At least the multiple amount of colours will make this room seem more alive, more what makes up the soul of the man, no, boy that you love. After all, 18 isn’t really a man and to see him looking like this, so fragile, innocent…afraid, you forget that he’s almost 19…

It’s strange to see him like this. It’s just not right. He’s always been the strongest out of you two. Always been the one to be by your side, helping you get through whatever mess you had gotten yourself into…you’re not supposed to be by his bedside, helping him recover from injuries that may still claim his life…you’re not the one who’s supposed to be holding back the tears…

But you are. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Instead, you have to play the role of the strong one; you have to show no signs of weaknesses, because if you give up hope on him, what’s stopping him from giving up hope…

As you walk towards his bed, you hear the faint hum of the machines and suddenly you notice all of the wires…the wires that are pumping him so full of drugs that you’re not sure that it will actually be him you’ll be talking to today…but you know he needs them, without them, the pain would be too much. He’s already in enough pain as it is. Two steel rods inserted into his right arm are enough to make sure he’ll never be able to play the drums again…his whole life up until now, stolen away because some idiots decided to play a prank.

You notice his eyes are open but he hasn’t noticed you yet. You’re not sure you want to know what’s making him think that hard…

“Hey”.

He turns his head ever so slightly to the right so he can see you. Even that small movement causes him pain. You wince when you see the bruise covering half of his face, you’re pretty sure he notices because he turns away from you again.

“Hey yourself”.

His voice is hoarse, raspy and faint, you can tell it hurts him to talk and you almost walk away just so he doesn’t have to, almost…but you can’t bring yourself to do it. You need to know he’s here, alive…you need to know he hasn’t left you.

“Oh God Russell…”

And no matter how hard you might have tried, you can’t help but cry now. Seeing him, hearing him…it’s all too much for you. You nearly lost him, could still lose him and you don’t know how to be strong anymore…

“Oh God. You’re alive. Please don’t leave me Russell…you’re alive.”

He turns his head to face you again and you smile through the haze your tears have created. You can just make out the curve his lips have taken. And more tears come because he’s smiling and you don’t understand how he can be so strong when you can’t.

“Thank you.”

And for the first time since entering the room you reach out and touch him. Touch him to make sure this is real, that this isn’t all some dream…and when you feel his fingers clasp your hand you know that everything will be all right. It has to be, because if it isn’t, you don’t know what you’ll do.

“For what?”

And suddenly the smile has disappeared and the pain is back in his once sparkling eyes. For the first time since you’ve known him, he cries. He cries and you realise that this situation is real. For the first time since you found out this morning it hits you…he might actually die and then you’ll be alone. You’ll never see him smile again, or hear him laugh…you’ll never be able to hear those words that you’ve been waiting for because you won’t have told him how you honestly feel…

“For being here. For always being there for me. Just…thank you…for everything.”

You can’t stand to see him cry anymore. You know you have to do something, anything to stop him from crying. Even if you make him angry…anything to stop the tears from falling, to stop the pain in your heart that occurs every single time you hear him sob and whimper…

“You don’t have to thank me for that…never for that. I…”

And you look at his face again. You realise the tears have stopped. He’s just looking at you now. Looking at you in a way he’s never looked at you before and it makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s as if he knows what you were going to say…

“You what…”

You can’t bear to look at his face anymore. You feel so selfish. Here you are, about to confess to him everything you’ve ever felt about him when he’s lying in a hospital bed, fighting for his life.

“Kevin…you what?”

But you can’t ignore the pleading note his voice has taken on; you could never ignore anything about him… not now anyway.

“I…”

His fingers grasp at your hand even more so than before. You don’t know if it’s to help you carry on, or if it’s to stop you from leaving him. But you’d never leave him…couldn’t even if you wanted to.

“You…”

You look straight into his eyes before speaking. You need to know this is the right thing to do, need to know that he wants to know what you’re trying to tell; need to tell him.

“Love you…”

And before you get the chance to look away from his face, you see the best thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life. He smiles. And it’s not just an accepting smile…it’s a smile that says he understands…feels the same maybe…

“Oh god Kevin. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

And you realise there’s no answer that you can give to him…no answer that will make him understand just how much you were afraid of telling him, afraid of being rejected by the person who means the most to you in the entire world.

“I…I couldn’t. I’m so sorry Russell, so fucking sorry about everything…”

And then he smiles again, but this time it’s a small, sad smile and it breaks your heart because this can only mean one thing…

“Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault.”

And you realise that maybe, you’ll never get to hear those three words no matter what because he hasn’t said them yet and it doesn’t look like he will.

“I’m so scared Russell.”

You’ve tried to be strong…but even you need reassurance sometimes. He’s always been the one to give it to you and you hope he can give it to you this time…

“What if I lose you? What if you don’t recover? Oh God, what will I do if you don’t…Oh God I’m so scared. I love you so much and I know you don’t feel the same but I’m so afraid that I’m going to lose you and you’re the only person I love, will love…”

But before he can answer and give you the reassurance you’re so desperate to hear, a nurse enters the room and informs you that visiting hours are over for today. As you let go of his hand and stand up he motions you to hand him the pad and paper on his bedside table. You wait while he writes something and hands you the piece of folded paper.

“Bye Russell. And…I’m sorry.”

He smiles at you once again and reaches out to touch your hand.

“Don’t ever be sorry Kevin. Not you…never you…”

And you turn to leave before the tears that are threatening to fall can fall.

Once out in the hallway you open the piece of folded paper and smile as you read the words. You know everything is going to all right…everything is going to be just fine.

‘Though I walk through the shadow of the Valley of Death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me’.

Don’t worry everything will be fine…it has to be; I love you too much to give up hope.

A/N  Well, that was somewhat odd for me…but I think it’s okay…

Well, Review and stuff…Please?