I haven't got a clue about what was floating around in my head when I wrote
this. I must have been drunk. Well enjoy.
The Agriculture Class
Chapter 3: Invading Space Pigmies from Uranus
Ben sat at his usual computer laughing occasionally to the funny web comic
he was reading. Today had been a peaceful day for him in fact the whole
week had been. There had been no monsters like with the sports field
incident, no power failures, no O Donovan going crazy, in fact for the
first time since he started this course he had found peace. However we all
know peace can be shattered very easily.
Ben: (Laughs) This site isn't half-bad.
Johnny: (Smiling) Hi Ben.
Ben: Ah crap there goes my peace.
Johnny: (Annoyed) What's wrong with you?
Ben: (Waving his fist in front of Johnny's face) Go away Johnny every time
you come need me something #%*&ing crazy happens which results in this
school getting damaged or the field being blown up or some weird shit like
Johnny: (Confused) I thought you hated school?
Ben: (Nods) O yeah I do but my mum cut off the Internet at home so now I
need to use the one at school.
Johnny: (Nods) Ok I get yeah.
Ben: (Confused) What the hell was that?
Andrew suddenly appears holding a bag of crisps as if someone had just
stepped on them whilst Shane is behind him looking worried.
Andrew: Sorry lads that was me, I accidentally stepped on Shane's packet of
Shane: (Crying) My beautiful cheese and onion crisps, why?
Andrew: (Annoyed) O stop crying over broken crisps you moron.
Suddenly the door to Mr O Donovan's office is kicked opened by Mr O Donovan
himself who has a wild panic look in his eyes.
Mr O Donovan: (Shouts) Sound the alarms! Move everybody! Move! Move!
Ben: Sir calm down it was only Andrew stepping on Shane's crisps.
Mr O Donovan: (Points) HA! You're only saying that because you're one of
Ben: .... One of what?
Mr O Donovan: One of those no good dirty invading space pigmies from
Andrew: (Confused) 'Space Pigmies'?
Suddenly the back door leading to the garden opens and Robert appears
holding a watering can.
Robert: Say what did I miss?
Ben: O Donovan going nuts again.
Mr O Donovan: Silence space pigmy spy!
Robert: O for the love of ... Sir Ben isn't a space pigmy spy.
Mr O Donovan: O yes he is, he's working for the bottom burping space
pigmies of Uranus who want to take our land and impregnate our women!
Shane: ... Why do they want to do that?
Mr O Donovan: Because Shane the space pigmies of Uranus destroyed their own
land and woman by discovering fire and now they want our planet for it's
hot and sexy super models.
Shane: (Terrified) By the gay blue hell we must stop them!
Robert: (Raises an eyebrow) 'Blue gay hell'?
Mr O Donovan: Don't worry Shane we will by making our stand here with the
official base of New United Earth Order!
Suddenly Roxy comes in from the front door of the library and notices the
craziness that is happening before her.
Roxy: Why do I get a feeling that I shouldn't have entered the room?
Robert: You don't want to know.
Mr O Donovan: Ah Robert I'm glad you're here because I have an important
assignment for you.
Robert: What is it sir?
Mr O Donovan: I need you to water the plants.
Robert: ... (Annoyed) Excuse me?
Mr O Donovan: We need the plants Robert. Oxygen is poison to the space
pigmies its kills them within minutes of inhaling. As Vice President of the
New Untied Earth order it is your duty, nah your life to make sure those
plants survive the bombing!
Robert: .... (Annoyed) I'm the Vice President and I still got to water the
fucking plants? That sucks ass!
Mr O Donovan: Life sucks ass Mr Vice President now get used to it.
Ben: (Confused) 'Oxygen is poison'? (Angry) That doesn't make any fucking
sense what so ever you stupid old twat!
Johnny: Actually Ben I think it makes perfect sense.
Mr O Donovan: AH HA! I knew you would fall for my trap (points) spy!
Johnny: What? Me a spy?
Roxy: (Annoyed) Sir what proof do you have to support this?
Mr O Donovan: Well for starters he's short.
Johnny: (Shocked) What?
Mr O Donovan: It's is a well-known fact that the bottom burping space
pigmies of Uranus only hire short humans to be their spies.
Ben: For once I agree with sir on this.
Mr O Donovan: Thank you Ten.
Ben: Um .. its Ben sir.
Mr O Donovan: Whatever. Anyway as I was saying as President of the United
Earth Order I am building an army of loyal patriots to Earth who will
defend our fragile blue planet with their very lives.
Andrew: (Curious) What do we get out of joining this army?
Johnny: (Shocked) You can't be serious in joining!
Roxy: I can't believe we're having this conversation.
Andrew: Will you guys shut up I'm listening to what the President has to
Mr O Donovan: Thank you Banjo.
Andrew: It's Andrew sir.
Mr O Donovan: Whatever. Anyway the point is anyone who wishes to join my
army will get a free steel pole big enough for a person to hold and hard
enough to break someone's head open if used correctly.
Ben: (Evil grin) Like Johnny's for example?
Johnny: (Shocked) Ben!?!
Mr O Donovan: Precisely.
Johnny: (Shocked) Sir!?!
Ben: Well in that case I'm in 100%.
Mr O Donovan: (Happy) That's great to hear Bert.
Ben: Ben sir.
Mr O Donovan: Whatever. Anyway here's your free steel pool and your badge
of power to show you are a proud Earth patriot of the United Earth Order!
Mr O Donovan gives Ben his steel pole and badge which is nothing more then
a piece of paper with a crudely drawn picture of a police badge on it.
Ben: (Grin) Sweet! ... Well the pole is except for the badge.
Shane: Say can I get me on of those as well?
Shane: (Confused) .... Maybe help you beat up some pigmies?
Mr O Donovan: (Shouts) He's a spy! Get him Ben!
Ben: (Crazy look) Yes sir!
Ben violently whacks Shane with the steel pole straight in the nuts. Shane
then collapses onto the ground screaming in pain as he puts his hands
between his legs.
Shane: (Screams) AAAHHHH MAN! I can't feel my balls at all!
Robert: (Eyes bulge out) GOOD LORD!
Andrew: (Scared) .... Say .... Can I join?
Mr O Donovan: Of course Countdown we need tall men such as Ben, Robert and
yourself to defeat the threat of ....... (Notices Johnny and Roxy trying to
leave the library) HOLD IT!
Johnny and Roxy stop dead in their tracks as they slowly turn to face the
crazed Mr O Donovan.
Mr O Donovan: (Raises an eyebrow) Why do you two think you're going?
Johnny: (Sweat drops) Well .... I ..... I .......
Roxy: Um ....... (Shouts and points) LOOK! Mr Caldwell is trying to contact
the space whatever they're called from Mars.
Everyone turns to Mr Caldwell who is talking to his wife on his mobile
Mr Caldwell: (Nods) .... Yeah ..... Right so you're cooking roast beef
Mr O Donovan: (Points) No homework for the rest of the school to the person
who beats him up before he contacts the you know what's!
Ben: (Evil psycho look) I'll do it for free!
Andrew: (Smiles) Me too!
Robert: (Picks up a steel pole) What the hell. The bastard gave me an 'F'
last year for my IT coursework.
Mr Caldwell: (Notices the lads with steel poles) What are you lot doing?
Johnny and Roxy quickly make their escape just as Ben, Robert and Andrew
start to beat the crap out of Mr Caldwell.
Mr Caldwell: (O/S) My hands! Why can't I feel my hands?
(Body collapsing sound)
Johnny and Roxy finally reach a safe place to hide and relax which just
happens to be the bike sheds.
Johnny: (Confused) Um .... Are you sure they won't find us here Roxy?
Roxy: Who's doing what now?
Robert: (Shouts) Found them!
Johnny: (Disappointed) Ah crap in a hat.
Robert, Andrew and Ben run up to prevent Johnny and Roxy from escaping
whilst Mr O Donovan slowly approaches them dressed up in a home guard
uniform from World War 2.
Mr O Donovan: (Singing) 'Who do you think you are kidding Mr Pigmy?
Ben: (Raises an eyebrow) I'm pretty sure that's a lawsuit waiting to
Mr O Donovan: (German accent) Well, well, well, what do we have here then?
Ben: (Rolls his eyes) Yep definitely a lawsuit coming.
Andrew: A spy trying to escape with his hostage boss.
Johnny: (Eyes bulge out) What? Hostage?
Roxy: What makes you think I'm a hostage?
Robert: If you weren't we would have to execute you.
Roxy: (Eyes bulge out) Execution?
Johnny: (Shouts) AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Andrew: Yep the President picked a really gruesome one as well.
Roxy: Um .... Is it a humane form of execution?
Mr O Donovan: It depends really ....
Johnny: (Confused) On what?
Ben: Well do you think tying someone down to a table, slicing their stomach
open and then remove all of their internal organs out of them whilst
they're alive and wide awake is humane?
Andrew: Man I'd hate to have that happen to me.
Roxy: ... SO what you're saying is if I wasn't his hostage then you lot
would do that to me?
Mr O Donovan: Well yeah if you're a space pigmy spy that is.
Roxy looks at Mr O Donovan and his men and then at the worried Johnny. She
knows in her heart what she has to do.
Roxy: (Smiles) Thank goodness you've rescued me gentlemen before this spy
did anything to me.
Johnny: (Eyes bulge out) WHAT!?!
Mr O Donovan: Right then lads we best hurry up with this execution ....
Johnny: No please!
Mr O Donovan: (Shouts) SHUT UP! Anyway we best hurry and get to the canteen
before the lunch time bell rings otherwise we won't be able to get any of
Johnny interrupts again.
Johnny: I've got money, please spare my ....
Mr O Donovan: (Angry) DAMMIT JOHNNY SHUT THE HELL UP! Anyway as I was
saying we need to get to the canteen before the lunch bell rings otherwise
we won't be able to get any of the good knives to slice him open with.
Ben: Plus we can hide his blood with the pig's blood they make the sausages
out of so no one will suspect us.
Mr O Donovan: (Smiles) Great idea! Plus we can mix what's left of his body
with the sausage meat saving us having to bury him in the field at night.
Johnny: (Begging) PLEASE! I'm begging you please don't do this.
Mr O Donovan: (Angry) That's it now I'm pissed! (Shouts) Patriots of the
United Earth Order subdue him!
Robert: ....... What does that mean?
Mr O Donovan: (Rolls his eyes) O for the love of ..... Just beat the crap
out of him already! That dam crying is really starting to piss me off!
Ben: (Evil grin) Yeah! Fight time! Fight time!
Andrew and Robert: (Chanting) Blood! Blood! Blood!
Roxy: This is so #%*&ed up.
Hours later .....
We see Johnny in a medical bed in the hospital strapped to several
different kinds of medical machines whilst everyone is standing around him
Mr O Donovan: Dammit patriots of Earth when I said beat the crap out of him
I didn't mean beat him up so badly that he's barely alive to kill!
Johnny: (Weakly) ..... I swear ...... I'll get you ......... for this
....... Some ... day ........
Mr O Donovan: Well if you think that's bad wait until you hear this.
Ben: (Confused) .... What?
Mr O Donovan: (Shouts) April Fools!
Robert: (Confused) April fools?
Roxy: Waitaminute! You mean to tell me this whole thing was one giant April
Mr O Donovan: (Smiles) Yeah you don't seriously believe in that 'bottom
burping space pigmies of Uranus' crap did you?
Ben: .......... Um sir .... It's the middle of October.
Mr O Donovan: What? (Looks at a calendar) Ah crap.
Mr O Donovan stands still for a few minutes as he thinks to himself and
then finally speaks up.
Mr O Donovan: (Angry) If it's not April Fools day then why the hell are you
lot just standing here then? Get your asses back into class you lazy bums
before it gets worse!
Johnny: (Coughs) How ....... How can it get worse?
Mr O Donovan: You could have ended up like Shane.
Everyone turns to Shane who is lying in the bed next to Johnny looking
Shane: (Angry) You've turned me into a #%*&ing Unix!
Man I thought I'd never get that one finished. Anyway I'm currently working
on a 'Halloween Special' of Agriculture Class for Halloween (no duh) so
keeps your eyes out for that ok everybody? Well see you again soon. R +R