The Little Merman EXT. A BEACH IN HAWAII Several tourists and locals are enjoying the bright sunny day. Music wafts in the air and laughter can be heard. It's the kind of day that they put on a postcard. The camera finds two people, a man and a woman, lying near the waves. MAN Isn't it a glorious day? WOMAN It sure is. The sun is shining, the ocean is beautiful, and there are hardly any crackpipes in the sand today. MAN Shhh! Shhh! Honey, look! The man points. Out in the surf, a DOLPHIN leaps out of the water. MAN Did you see that? WOMAN Amazing! MAN Makes me hungry for tuna. A little dolphin gives the meat just the right flavor. Suddenly, the dolphin leaps out of the water again holding some kind of a weapon. It starts firing into the crowd. Soon several dolphins are doing the same thing. Leaping out of the water, firing their weapons into the now-fleeing crowd. The throngs of screaming tourists run past a couple of native Hawaiians. NATIVE #1 Did you see that? Those dolphins were shooting all the tourists! NATIVE #2 Wow... They ARE intelligent! SEA BASS in water-suits begin to walk onto the beach with robotic legs, holding weapons in robotic arms. Soon, it's a full-scale invasion of the island with suited fish of all kinds, octopus, and even shrimp. Sharks are chasing tourists on land. EXT. THE OCEAN Far off the island, we see the dark figure of a man in the water. He rubs his hands together evilly as smoke begins to rise into the blue tropical skies. MYSTERIOUS MAN Perfect! Ha, ha, haaaaaa! The man dives underneath the water and disappears. MUSIC STING FADE OUT: --------------------------------------------------------------

JUSTICE SQUAD
Episode 2.01 - SEASON PREMEIRE
"The Little Merman"
Written by Jason Gaston

Old crap... New season -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER The large structure glistens on the luna vista. The Earth is rising over the horizon in the background. INT. THE WAR ROOM ULTRAWOMAN is leading a meeting and is wearing a new costume... reminiscent of her tight almost-costume, this one is more of a loose fit form-concealing number. NIGHTFLYER, COLOSSAL CHUNK, BLUE FAIRY, QUASAR, WOLFMAN, and BIPPO THE CLOWN are seated at the conference table. In the middle of the table is a dead sea bass in a water-suit. NIGHTFLYER It's an ingenious design... sort of like a deep sea diving suit, but in reverse. It keeps sea creatures in water on dry surfaces. ULTRAWOMAN Yeah, yeah, yeah... but why? Why are costal cities being attacked by fish? This is the seventh attack in a month. By the time we get there, all that's left is death, destruction, and a a strange fishy smell. COSMIC WEASEL (O.C.) Not to mention the stringy poop all over the place. Everyone looks over. Cosmic Weasel, Luna, and Devour are sitting in their seats at the conference table. Everyone looks at them for a minute. ULTRAWOMAN I thought you guys quit! LUNA We're back. QUASAR (to Cosmic Weasel) Good to see you back, man, but what's with your powers? Didn't they flake out on you or something? COSMIC WEASEL It's a long story. LUNA Cos got superspeed powers. COSMIC WEASEL (a beat) Okay, maybe it's not such a long story. ULTRAWOMAN Well, regardless, I'm glad to have you back. We've been short handed all Summer and this new case is a doozy. BIPPO Which is all the more reason we should just kick back and wait for Capeman to show up! He leans back in his chair and puts his feet on the table. A beat. WOLFMAN Bippo, Capeman is dead. BIPPO (winks) Suuuuuuure he is. Another beat. ULTRAWOMAN Anyway, I say that there's only one way to get to the bottom of these attacks. BLUE FAIRY And that is? ULTRAWOMAN To get to the bottom. Professor, could you explain please? THE PROFESSOR walks out with a small model of a submarine. PROFESSOR Thank you, Ultrawoman. Obviously, the source of these attacks are underwater. QUASAR (Looks at the fish on the table) What was your first clue, Mr. Wizard? PROFESSOR (ignoring Quasar) Based on the location of each attack, I have calculated the epicenter as coming from the Marinara Trench. Using this submarine... which I have named seaQuest From the First Season Before the Show Started Sucking Wind DSV... you will journey under the sea and figure out what is going on down there. WOLFMAN You're INSANE! We'll NEVER fit in that little submarine! A long beat. PROFESSOR Chunk, would you? Colossal Chunk slaps Wolfman on the back of the head. PROFESSOR Thank you. The professor tosses Chunk a cookie which he eats greedily. QUASAR Well, I'm not sure if we should all go in a submarine made by a nuclear physicist that can make a radio out of a coconut, but couldn't repair a two-foot hole in the side of a boat. PROFESSOR Chunk? Chunk swats Quasar on the back of the head and recieved another cookie. ULTRAWOMAN The submarine is waiting for us at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. We set out tomorrow morning. Dismissed. Everyone gets up and leaves leaving Ultrawoman and the professor alone. PROFESSOR Ultrawoman, I'm concerned about you going on this mission in your condition. ULTRAWOMAN What condition? PROFESSOR THE condition! ULTRAWOMAN Oh yeah, that. Right. Professor, I appreciate your concern, but I'm just pregnant... not crippled. PROFESSOR Perhaps if you told the others, they could... ULTRAWOMAN No, I'm not telling anyone right now. The squad needs me in a leadership role and not sitting on the sidelines. PROFESSOR I see... and when are you going to tell the father? ULTRAWOMAN Soon. I promise. PROFESSOR Take some advise from an old man, Ultrawoman... you never know what's going to happen tomorrow and when it gets here, you're going to regret not saying things when you had the chance. Ultrawoman sighs. The professor hands her a cookie. She looks at the professor, looks at the cookie, and then looks back at the professor with an offended look on her face. The professor then hands her a glass of milk. Ultrawoman smiles, satisfied. EXT. PEARL HARBOR, HAWAII The Justice Squad Submarine, seaQuest From the First Season Before the Show Started Sucking Wind DSV, sits in her berth. INT. SEAQUEST FTFSBTSSSW DSV On the bridge, Ultrawoman is sitting in the Captain's seat. Nightflyer is at the helm, Blue Fairy, Colossal Chunk, Wolfman, Quasar, Cosmic Weasel, and Luna are seated at various stations. All look like they have no idea what the hell they are doing. Bippo is standing in the center of the submarine in an elaborate admiral's uniform. ULTRAWOMAN All right, we're ready to launch. WOLFMAN No. ULTRAWOMAN What? Why not! I told you to go before we left! WOLFMAN No, I don't mean that! I went! I mean, I don't have a damned idea what the hell I'm doing! I mean, look at this thing! (indicates his station) I don't know what any of this crap does! ULTRAWOMAN That's the coffee machine. WOLFMAN Oh. ULTRAWOMAN You don't honestly think I'd trust you with anything complicated, did you? LUNA What about mine? ULTRAWOMAN You've got the radio. QUASAR What about me? ULTRAWOMAN The air conditioner. BLUE FAIRY What about...? ULTRAWOMAN That's a Gamecube. BLUE FAIRY (points to Chunk) And him? ULTRAWOMAN Weapons system. A long beat. BLUE FAIRY But why? ULTRAWOMAN He's the most qualified. BLUE FAIRY But... ULTRAWOMAN Don't ask. BLUE FAIRY Very well. ULTRAWOMAN All right... Nightflyer, take us out. NIGHTFLYER Aye, Captain... (to others, a snob) And just for your information, I'm driving this sub because I'm the most qualified. QUASAR Oh, I'm sure you ARE the most qualified to take a large long object full of seamen in deep. NIGHTFLYER I'm glad you see like that. EXT. PEARL HARBOR, HAWAII seaQuest starts out of the harbor and begins to sink... only to grind to a halt when it hits the bottom. ULTRAWOMAN (V.O.) Take us OUT of the shallow harbor and THEN sink us, numbnuts! FADE TO: EXT. DEEP IN THE OCEAN seaQuest glides gracefully through the water. Two independent WHISKERS crash into each other and sink. INT. SEAQUEST FTFSBTSSSW DSV The submarine is now being driven by Bippo. Nightflyer is sitting in the corner pouting. Luna is reading a trashy romance novel. Cosmic Weasel is pulling lint out of his belly button. Blue Fairy is playing Super Smash Brothers with Quasar. Colossal Chunk is at the moon pool playing with DARWIN THE TALKING DOLPHIN. Wolfman is turning back and forth between his human form and his werewolf form. WOLFMAN Werewolf. (changes) Human. (changes) Werewolf. (changes) Human. (changes) Werewolf. (changes) Human. (changes) Werewolf. ULTRAWOMAN WILL YOU STOP THAT!? WOLFMAN I'm sorry... it's just that the ocean is SO boring! No ghost ships, no giant squid, no mermaids with those little clams over their boobs, no singing crabs... LUNA No crabs? A first for you. WOLFMAN Yeah, I... HEY! ULTRAWOMAN We're only a few minutes from our destination. Can you try and contain your boredom until then? WOLFMAN (Whiney) No! DONNER enters carrying charts, maps, and a GPS monitor. DONNER Ultra-babe, do me a favor and turn around. I think we just came across a HUGE oil deposit a couple of miles back. ULTRAWOMAN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!? DONNER What the hell am I doing here? Well, let's see... I get a call from the professor asking for 100 million dollars for a submarine and I says, "sure, okay... if Justice Squad needs a submarine, they're going to get a submarine." I decided to come along and you're wondering what I'm doing here? I'm using the submarine to find underwater oil deposits so I can pay for it! DUH! COLOSSAL CHUNK (hugging Darwin) CHUNK LOVE BIG FISH! DARWIN (electronic voice) HELP DARWIN! HELP DARWIN! HELP-- URK! Chunk crushes Darwin. No one notices. ULTRAWOMAN (to Donner) You put yourself in a highly dangerous and unknown situation so you could get more money? DONNER (sarcasm) Uh, let me think... Yeah? (a beat) What do you mean "dangerous?" WHAM! seaQuest is hit. Everyone is thrown around. ULTRAWOMAN WHAT THE HELL WHAT THAT!? TURN ON THE MAIN VIEWER! Justice Squad members start frantically pushing buttons. The air conditioner comes on, a cup of coffee is rocketed out of the coffee machine and lands in Cosmic Weasel's lap, and Abba begins to play over the loudspeakers. QUASAR WAIT, WAIT! I THINK I GOT IT! Everyone looks his way in anticipation. Quasar hits a button causing Mario to execute an elaborate fighting move and defeat Blue Fairy's Donkey Kong. QUASAR YES! BLUE FAIRY You... DICK! Finally, someone turns on the viewscreen. On it, we see a really unusual sight... it's a man riding a jellyfish and holding a trident. ULTRAWOMAN Oh my God! It's some kind of an underwater man! He must be the one responsible for attacking the coastal cities! CHUNK! ACTIVATE WEAPONS SYSTEMS! COLOSSAL CHUNK G'ah! Chunk looks like he's going to press a button, but then he opens his station like a door and gets inside a tube. The tube seals shut and rockets Chunk out like a torpedo. INT. THE OCEAN Chunk rockets through the water. COLOSSAL CHUNK (subtitled over underwater talk) CHUNK SMASH! INT. SEAQUEST FTFSBTSSSW DVS AS before. Everyone is looking at the man on the jellyfish. DONNER Hey, what's he doing? INT. THE OCEAN The man riding the jellyfish puts his hand to his head and we hear a do-do-do-do-do-do sound effect. A GIANT SQUID appears out of the depths, wraps its tentacles around Chunk, and drags him away. The man riding the jellyfish puts his hand on his head again and we hear that do-do-do-do sound effect again. Suddenly, a LARGE BLUE WHALE appears and rams into seaQuest, breaking it in half. INT. SEAQUEST FTFSBTSSSW DSV The bridge is rocked. Everyone is thrown around again. BIPPO You've gotta be kidding me! It's an underwater guy that talks to fish! That is so GAY! Water begins to pour into the bridge. ULTRAWOMAN Everyone abandon ship! Everyone runs to the escape pod. COMPUTERIZED VOICE PLEASE INSERT 25 CENTS TO USE ESCAPE POD. Everyone looks at Donner. DONNER (annoyed) WHAT!? (digs through his pocket) Oh, ALL RIGHT! INT. THE OCEAN As the broken pieces of seaQuest sink into the blackness of the deep ocean, the ESCAPE POD jettisons from the hulk and begins to rise to the surface. INT. THE ESCAPE POD Everyone is jammed into the tiny pod like those old pictures of people trying to jam into phone booths. QUASAR Aw, who farted!? LUNA (A beat) Sorry. The pod shakes. BLUE FAIRY What the hell was that? LUNA That wasn't me! EXT. THE OCEAN The Escape Pod is grabbed by another GIANT SQUID and dragged away. The man on the jellyfish follows. EXT. THE OCEAN We see a LARGE AND IMMACULATE UNDERSEA CITY. This is THE UNDERSEA KINGDOM. The Escape Pod is dragged towards it. The man on the jellyfish is following. INT. THE UNDERSEA CITY THRONE ROOM The escape pod is opened and everyone falls out onto the ground. They look around in amazement. Colossal Chunk is there as well. ULTRAWOMAN It's air! How is there air at the bottom of the ocean!? MAN (O.S.) Because I commanded it. Everyone looks up. The man who was riding the jellyfish is standing in front of a large throne covered in seashells. Sitting in the Queen's throne is a woman in a green dress who looks bored and pissed off. Standing to the other side, is another woman in a military uniform. MAN Welcome to the Undersea Kingdom. I am it's king and ruler... (dramatic pause) SEA MAN!!! MUSIC STING! Everyone in Justice Squad starts laughing. FADE OUT: -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK An elderly woman and her daughter are sitting on a bench in front of a nice looking house in the country. The daughter looks nervous. DAUGHTER Mom, can I ask you a question? MOM Sure, honey. DAUGHTER Do you ever get that... not so fresh feeling? MOM That what? DAUGHTER You know... that unclean sensation? MOM I-I don't follow. DAUGHTER You know... down there? MOM I'm not sure what you're getting at. DAUGHTER You know... Do you ever get a not so-fresh feeling in your... uh... private area? MOM In your...? OH! OH! THAT! (a beat) Oh, God no. ANNOUNCER Massingil... now in nu car smell. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE UNDERSEA CITY THRONE ROOM Justice Squad looks up at SEA MAN in shocked amusement. COSMIC WEASEL What did you say your name is? SEA MAN SEA MAN!!! MUSIC STING! A beat... everyone begins to snicker like teenagers. SEA MAN What is it with you surface dwellers? Why do you all find my name, SEA MAN, so amusing? Everyone breaks down and begins laughing harder. Sea Man turns to the woman sitting in the throne next to his, his wife VERA. SEA MAN Vera, honey, make them stop! VERA (to Justice Squad) Stop. Justice Squad continues to laugh. VERA (sighs) I did all I could. SEA MAN Blast! Sea Man looks at the woman in the miliary uniform. SEA MAN Dorin, you're my most trusted advisor and military leader. It's like I've known you my whole life... you're almost like family. DORIN (annoyed) I'm your sister. SEA MAN YES! Yes you are! What do you think of these surface dwellers? DORIN They mock your great name, your highness. The surface world finally sends emissaries to the Undersea Kingdom and they laugh at you! SEA MAN Hey, YEAH! You guys are meanies! You're all meanies! Vera, my love, issue a royal decree that the surface dwellers are meanies! VERA (annoyed) Dammit, ANOTHER official decree!? I just issued an official decree that sea cucumber makes you gassy! SEA MAN Yes, yes, yes! Kings decree so get to writing them down as your queenly duties dictate! Vera walks over to a podium and starts doing paperwork. ULTRAWOMAN Uh... Excuse me, Sea Man? (she giggles) I'm sorry, I'm sorry... (a beat) Sea Man, we are the Justice Squad and we do indeed come from the surface. We're here investigating attacks by fish to coastal cities. Do you, in your great wisdom and knowledge, know anything about it? SEA MAN Hmm... I like the way you think I am wisdomy and knowledgeable. The Undersea Kingdom has indeed been attacking coastal cities with fish shock troops. ULTRAWOMAN Why? SEA MAN Because the surface world has been polluting and defiling my ocean for too long. Do you know how many people tinkle in the water every year? ULTRAWOMAN Uh... Millions? SEA MAN MILLIONS! Millions of you surface dwellers pee in the ocean every year and we will not stand for it! Vera walks back to her throne and sits down. SEA MAN Vera, my queen, issue a royal decree that we will not stand for surface dwellers peeing in our oceans! VERA Artie, for the love of Neptune! SEA MAN Now, my queen! Vera gets back up and starts towards the table again. VERA (mumbling) Lousy... no good... son of a... BLUE FAIRY (to Sea Man) But, Sea Man... You are killing innocent people up there! SEA MAN We of the Undersea Kingdom never hurt innocents! It is against our most sacred laws! No innocents will be harmed ever! DONNER Oh, good... So you're not going to kill us. SEA MAN (looks at Dorin) General Dorin? Dorin pulls out a scroll. DORIN (reading) Justice Squad is charged with trespassing into the Undersea Kingdom, littering, and peeing in the ocean. ULTRAWOMAN WHAT!? We never... Everyone looks at Bippo. BIPPO You'll never pin it on me. Vera walks back to her throne. SEA MAN They tinkled into the ocean!? I hate that! I hate that a lot! Vera, issue a royal decree that I hate tinkling in the ocean! VERA Artie! ANOTHER decree? SEA MAN Yes, decree away, baby! Vera looks steamed, but she gets up and starts writing again. DORIN Need we more evidence, sire? These people should be put to death! SEA MAN Yes, that's a good idea! Vera, issue a royal decree that we're going to execute the trespassers. VERA Grrrrr! DORIN And, we should close off the ocean to all surface dwellers forever! SEA MAN We can do that? DORIN Duh... I mean, yes my king. All you have to do is telepathically command all the great white sharks in the ocean to patrol the shores and, when one of those dirty surface dwellers dare to step foot in your ocean, they will rend them limb from limb! SEA MAN What about those big boat things the surface dwellers are so fond of puttering about in? DORIN The whales can take care of that. SEA MAN Yes... I'll probably have to get the sperm whales to take out the larger cruise ships. Everyone in Justice Squad begins to laugh again. SEA MAN NOW what are you all laughing at? (to Vera) Vera! Royal proclamations! Chop chop! The sea is now closed off to surface dwellers for the rest of time, the Justice Squad are really big meanies, and I feel like a kelp salad tonight. VERA (O.C.) YOU MOTHER FU-- I mean, yes my king. NIGHTFLYER But if you do what you're planning to, it'll kill tens of thousands of people! SEA MAN Well boo hoo... Dorin, take them away to the drowning chamber! ULTRAWOMAN Wait, there's been a mistake! DORIN takes out an electric eel whip and shocks everyone in Justice Squad knocking them out. FADE TO: INT. THE DROWNING CHAMBER A large circular room with a drain in the middle. Justice Squad is chained to the sides of the room and everyone is just waking up. QUASAR Maybe it's just me getting used to Earth and all, but so far the ocean blows. NIGHTFLYER Ultrawoman! Chunk! Wolfman! Break your chains and get us out of here! There's a device that looks like a hearing aid in Ultrawoman's ear. ULTRAWOMAN I can't... This thing they've put in my ear is somehow cancelling out my powers. Chunk? Colossal Chunk is transfixed on a spoon dangling in front of him. COLOSSAL CHUNK Heh... shiny. ULTRAWOMAN Wolfy, what about you? WOLFMAN (pulling on chains) There must be silver in these bars! I can't pull free! BLUE FAIRY And they appear to be immune to magic. Without everyone's weapons, we're powerless to escape! LUNA Cos, it's up to you. It's unlikely these people have heard of your new powers. Use your superspeed and vibrate through. COSMIC WEASEL Check. NIGHTFLYER Vibrate? COSMIC WEASEL I can send my molecules into superspeed and phase through solid objects. NIGHTFLYER Well, what are you waiting for? Vibrate, man! Vibrate! Cosmic Weasel starts vibrating until his hands pass through the chains. He stands there triumphantly. COSMIC WEASEL What did I tell you? Piece of... WHOA! Cosmic Weasel falls through the floor and out of sight. DONNER Well, we're screwed. Water begins to fall from the ceiling and begins to fill the room. BIPPO So THAT'S why they call this the drowning room. QUASAR YOU THINK!? INT. THE PALACE Cosmic Weasel falls through floor after floor as the camera follows him. Finally, he becomes solid again and falls face first onto a hard floor. COSMIC WEASEL Ow. He gets up rubbing his nose and looks upwards to the ceiling. COSMIC WEASEL That never happens on Star Trek! He hears voices and zips behind a column. DORIN and a couple of guards walk by. DORIN The royal subjects are tired of Sea Man and so am I! I should be Queen in his place. GUARD #1 Believe me, General Dorin, nothing would please the royal guard more. Do you realize that he has the guards stand in the shower with him so that they can scrub the places he can't reach? (Whispers) Do you KNOW what places those are!? He shivers. GUARD #2 But, if we get rid of Sea Man, shouldn't Queen Vera take the throne instead? DORIN I SHOULD BE QUEEN! I'm not going to let trivialities like the law stand in my way, either! Now, you can follow Vera and continue to suck at the bottom of the ocean, or you can follow me and be part of the bitchinest kingdom on Earth! Under my rule, we will wipe out the surface dwellers once and for all! GUARD #2 Very well! I pledge my loyalty to you, Dorin. They walk out of sight. COSMIC WEASEL Oh my God! It's a coup! I've got to warn Sea Man! A beat. COSMIC WEASEL Wait a minute... Screw Sea Man! He's the reason we're in the mess to begin with! I've got to save my friends! Cosmic Weasel takes off at superspeed. INT. THE DROWNING CHAMBER The water is up to everyone's necks. QUASAR Looks like this is the end! LUNA If Cos doesn't get back here soon, I am SO going to haunt him! COSMIC WEASEL (O.S.) Someone scream my name? I'm so used to that I didn't notice at first. Cosmic Weasel is standing on the other side of a glass wall with a smug look on his face. ULTRAWOMAN Cos, get us out of here! COSMIC WEASEL Sure thing, boss lady, I'll just... He looks. There's a complicated set of buttons and controls next to the door. COSMIC WEASEL I'll... just... uh... Cos presses a button. More water begins to fall into the drowning chamber. DONNER COS, YOU SUCK!!! COSMIC WEASEL Sorry! Let me try this! He presses another button. Tejano music begins to blare over the loudspeakers. Cosmic Weasel begins pressing several buttons at random at superspeed. A MONTAGE OF SHOTS Inside Sea Man's bathroom, the toilet flushes and the sinks turn on. Inside the throne room, the lights go on and off. Inside the royal kitchen, ovens burst open and flames leap out. Blenders, food processors, and microwaves turn on. INT. THE DROWNING CHAMBER Cosmic Weasel is still pressing buttons. He looks and Justice Squad is now completely submerged in the water. COSMIC WEASEL F**K BEANS!!! Cosmic Weasel takes a chair and starts hitting the glass with it. He only succeeds in destroying the chair. COSMIC WEASEL WHAT DO I DO!? He bangs his head up against the control console. Suddenly, the water in the drowning chamber drains away leaving Justice Squad gasping for air. The door slides open and the chains unlock. COSMIC WEASEL I did it! VERA (O.C.) No... I did it. Everyone looks over at Vera. She's standing by a switch that is clearly marked DROWNING CHAMBER: ON/OFF. COSMIC WEASEL Don't know how I missed that. DONNER (walks by, soaking wet and pissed) Because you're a dumbass. Ultrawoman pulls the device out of her ear. ULTRAWOMAN Don't think that we're ungrateful, but why help us? VERA Because perhaps we can help each other. COSMIC WEASEL Oh, you mean stop the Coup against Sea Man by General Dorin? VERA (looks at Cos) What Coup? Nevermind that... here are your weapons back. She hands over a box. Quasar takes out his cosmic stick, Nightflyer takes out his utility belt, Blue Fairy gets his wand, Luna takes out her sword, throwing stars, mini-daggers, weapons belt, grenades, small guns, grappling hooks, tasers, nun-chucks, a mace, brass knuckles, a blowgun, a phaser, an attack hawk, a whip, a bola, a boomerang, a burning torch, a shield, a wooden stake, a crossbow, a tube of fire engine red lipstick, and several other nasty pointy things. DONNER Damn, woman! Donner takes out a large bag of money and conceals it in his jacket. LUNA Where do you put that!? DONNER YOU'RE asking ME that? VERA Come, we don't have a lot of time! INT. THE UNDERSEA CITY THRONE ROOM SEA MAN is sitting in his throne when DORIN enters with several dozen armed Undersea Kingdom guards. SEA MAN Ah, Dorin. Have you seen Vera? I have to proclaim that I love cheese. DORIN Your days of rule are over, Artie! SEA MAN Dorin, what do you mean? DORIN I mean, I am sick of you being king when rightfully, I should be Queen! Now, step aside and abdicate the throne. SEA MAN That's a little sick, isn't it? DORIN Abdicate means give it up, moron. SEA MAN NEVER! When I became king, I promised to protect the Undersea Kingdom by vowing my loyalty to all sea people and by declaring an oath of celibacy... just like my father and his father before him! DORIN Very well... KILL HIM!!! BLAM! A wall is blown open and JUSTICE SQUAD and Vera are standing there! ULTRAWOMAN Not so fast, Dorin! DORIN The SURFACE DWELLERS! KILL THEM TOO! The guards rush at Justice Squad. Ultrawoman swats them away effortlessly, Bippo mows them down with his machine gun, Colossal Chunk pounds several into the ground, Blue Fairy changes a couple into chickens, Quasar blasts a few with his cosmic stick, Wolfman devours one, Luna lops a couple of heads off, and Cosmic Weasel runs at them, hitting them with great force. Soon, Justice Squad, Vera, and Sea Man are the only ones left standing. SEA MAN I can't believe it! A coup! Against me! Vera, I need a royal proclamation! Coups REALLY hurt my feelings! VERA (through teeth) Perhaps you should deal with Dorin first. She escaped during the scuffle. SEA MAN Blast! (points to Justice Squad) You there! You will assist me! BIPPO Hey, blow me! LUNA Yeah, why should we help you do jack? SEA MAN Because, as captain of the guard, Dorin has access to our doomsday weapon... a Weapon that can create a tidal wave five miles high that will wipe out everyone in the surface world. ULTRAWOMAN Crap! How can we stop her!? An alarm goes off. SEA MAN Invent a time machine and travel back five minutes ago. EXT. THE OCEAN A LARGE TIDAL WAVE erupts from the sea and begins traveling towards land. MUSIC STING -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK ANNOUNCER On the next episode of TRADING SPACES, it's CELINE DION and SNOOP DOGGY DOG! THAT ANNOYING BLOND DESIGNER So, Celine, are you ready to redesign Snoop's house? CELINE DION Yes indeedy I am! THAT ANNOYING BLOND DESIGNER First, I recommend we take down that ugly ceiling fan! CELINE DION Oh no! Mister Dog, he say... "BITCH, IF YOU TOUCH-AH MY CEILING FAN, I'MAH GONNA PUT A CAP IN YOOOOU!" ANNOUNCER Join us as Snoop Dog redesigns Celine's bedroom! THAT REALLY GAY DESIGNER Sssso, Snoop Dog, where do you think we should start first? SNOOP DOGGY DOG First, I think we oughta do is paint over that big, fat, ugly, bald, old cracker on the wall! THAT REALLY GAY DESIGNER But that's a mural of Celine's husband. SNOOP DOGGY DOG Really? DAMN! THAT REALLY GAY DESIGNER I know. ANNOUNCER Be there for the results! THAT ANNOYING BLOND DESIGNER Are you ready Snoop Dog? Here's your redesigned bedroom! SNOOP DOGGY DOG What th...!? WHERE'S MY DAMN CEILING FAN!? BITCH, COME HERE! CELINE DION Ah, no Mister Dog! Do not kill me! Aieeeeeeeeeeee! Gunshots. ANNOUNCER Trading Spaces... Right after that show with the computer generated dinosaurs doing it and before the show about terrible English drivers on THE LEARNING CHANNEL! -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE OCEAN SEA MAN, BIPPO, ULTRAWOMAN, BLUE FAIRY, and QUASAR are flying ahead of the wave as it approaches JAPAN. Sea Man is riding his jellyfish along with Bippo. ULTRAWOMAN Sea Man, how do we stop it? SEA MAN I don't know! Meetings about the doomsday weapon always made me sleepy! ULTRAWOMAN Blue Fairy! Blast it! Blue Fairy fires a magical bolt against the wave. Nothing happens. BLUE FAIRY It must be magically immune just like the chains were. SEA MAN Yeah... That would be Vera. She's a helluva magician, let me tell you. QUASAR WHAT DO WE DO NOW!? SEA MAN We can try to slow it down, but all hope lies with your people back at the Undersea Kingdom. If they disable the doomsday devise, this wave will collapse harmlessly on itself. INT. THE DOOMSDAY WEAPON CONTROL ROOM DORIN is at the controls watching the wave near the coast of Japan. COLOSSAL CHUNK breaks through the door. COLOSSAL CHUNK CHUNK SMASH FISHY SMELL LADY!!! Vera, Nightflyer, Luna, Cosmic Weasel, and Donner enter. VERA Surrender, Dorin! It's over... The coup has failed and you have lost! DORIN Not another step or I destroy the controls and then, NO ONE CAN STOP THE WAVE! COSMIC WEASEL We'll see about that! Cosmic Weasel rushes at her with superspeed... only to clothesline himself on a pipe and knock himself out. DONNER The Flash he ain't. LUNA We can still take her! Dorin pulls out a gun and blasts the control panel before leaping through a door and sealing it behind her. Nightflyer rushes to the console. NIGHTFLYER Dammit! She blew up the console. There's no way we can stop the wave! DONNER This adventure sucks! Do you have any idea how much stock I have on the Japanese market? EXT. THE OCEAN Just a few miles off the Japanese coast, the wave is about to wipe out the island nation. Ultrawoman and Quasar are blasting the wave trying to get it to slow down. Bippo is shooting it with a machine gun, Sea Man has several sea creatures trying to cancel it out. Blue Fairy is trying in vain to get his magic to work against it. The wave begins to encounter shallow water and begins to grow and grow and grow... soon it begins to crash down onto Japan. ULTRAWOMAN (into communicator) NIGHTFLYER! WE NEED THIS WAVE STOPPED! NIGHTFLYER (over comm) WE CAN'T! WE CAN'T STOP IT! The wave begins to crash down, knocking Quasar, Ultrawoman, and Blue Fairy out of the sky. Sea Man and Bippo are thrown off the jellyfish as the wave pipelines. Suddenly, there is a blast of wind as we... FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: EXT. A BEACH IN JAPAN Ultrawoman, Quasar, Sea Man, and Blue Fairy are lying in the sand wet, but unhurt. It's eerily clam. Seagulls squawk overhead. Bippo is standing on the shore with a big smile on his face. The heroes begin to wake. ULTRAWOMAN Wh-What happened? What happened to the wave? BIPPO Oh, that? Bippo points out into the ocean. The wave stands frozen over the shore. Several tug boats are pulling it out to sea where it can melt without harm. QUASAR (confused) What the hell!? What happened to it? BIPPO (coy) You KNOW what happened to it... or should I say... WHO happened to it. BLUE FAIRY What are you saying, Bippo? BIPPO Who ELSE do we know who has freeze breath and is powerful enough to stop a tidal wave? They all look back at the frozen wave. QUASAR It's impossible. BIPPO Says the blue spaceman with the cosmic stick standing next to a fat man in a tutu. The camera focuses on Ultrawoman. A small smile appears on her lips. ULTRAWOMAN Capeman? FADE TO: INT. THE UNDERSEA CITY THRONE ROOM All of Justice Squad are standing in front of the thrones. Sea Man and Vera sit there. SEA MAN I am grateful for all your help, Justice Squad. ULTRAWOMAN So, you're saying that the world's oceans aren't off limits to the surface world anymore? SEA MAN No, I'm afraid that my previous proclamation must stand. The seas are off limits to all humans. No way am I changing my mind on this one! ULTRAWOMAN You're majesty, please reconsider! A beat. SEA MAN Okay. You can all use the oceans. ULTRAWOMAN (a beat) Thanks. SEA MAN Vera, issue a royal proclamation. Justice Squad are heroes and eternal friends of The Undersea Kingdom. VERA I'm sorry, Artie, but I can't do that. SEA MAN (whining) What? What do you mean you can't? There's the royal proclamation papers over there! Why not? VERA Because you've broken the law, Sea Man, and you must be punished. SEA MAN I did NOT! VERA Did too. SEA MAN Did not! VERA Did too! SEA MAN Did not! VERA Did too infinity! SEA MAN BLAST! You know I hate it when you pull infinity out of your hat! Very well, woman, how did I break the law? VERA You attempted to bring harm to an innocent. SEA MAN Innocent? Who the hell here is innocent? Vera points at Ultrawoman. SEA MAN Her? She's not innocent! Do you remember the charges? She trespassed, littered, and at some point... I'm certain she's tinkled in the ocean. VERA Not her, Sea Man... The new life she carries. Everyone looks at Ultrawoman. DONNER New life!? VERA Ultrawoman is pregnant, Sea Man. I've magically seen it. You attempted to do harm to this INNOCENT new life and, therefore, you have broken our most sacred law. DONNER PREGNANT!? SEA MAN Y-You're right! I have broken the law! I'M A BASTARD!!! Sea Man begins to cry. DONNER BASTARD!? ULTRAWOMAN (uncomfortable) Uh... Excuse me. Since you granted everyone on Earth safe passage through the oceans again, I'll gladly drop all charges or... you know... whatever. VERA It's not that simple, Ultrawoman. However... if you wish for safe passage, perhaps we can help each other out. ULTRAWOMAN How so? VERA Sea Man must be banished... As his wife, I would like - very much like - to see him make up for his previous error by leaving the Undersea Kingdom and fighting evil along side you in Justice Squad. Ultrawoman looks at the rest of the squad who all start frantically shaking their heads no. ULTRAWOMAN I don't think that's such a good idea. VERA Really? Well, I don't think it's a good idea for surface dwellers to trespass in our oceans. ULTRAWOMAN This is blackmail. VERA You're damn tootin' it is, sister. So, what do you say? FADE TO: EXT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER The tower looms overhead against a diamond backdrop of stars. INT. THE WAR ROOM JUSTICE SQUAD sits around the conference table. SEA MAN now has a seat. ULTRAWOMAN ...and I want you all to keep an eye open. We don't know if it was Capeman, but whoever it is was just as powerful as he was. Finally, as a final order of business, I'd like you all to extend a welcome to our newest Justice Squad member, Sea Man. Quasar shakes his hand. QUASAR How ya doing', squirt? Everyone chuckles. SEA MAN (oblivious) I'm doing okay. Though I look forward to fighting evil with Justice Squad for many years to come, I miss the Undersea Kingdom... and I know my loyal subjects miss me as well. CUT TO: INT. THE UNDERSEA KINGDOM It's a huge party. People are pasting pictures of Vera over pictures of Sea Man. Banners read THE KING IS GONE! LONG LIVE THE QUEEN! Everyone is cheering and having a great time. INT. THE WAR ROOM The meeting is over. Everyone is filtering outside. Donner remains behind with Ultrawoman. DONNER So... ULTRAWOMAN (uncomfortable) So... DONNER Pregnant, huh? ULTRAWOMAN Y-Yeah. I'm afraid so. DONNER (hurt) Why didn't you tell me, Mona? ULTRAWOMAN Because I didn't know what to say, Donner. I didn't know how you'd react and... And I'm little scared. She wipes a tear from her eye. ULTRAWOMAN I should have told you. God, I'm sorry. DONNER What's there to feel sorry about? Ultrawoman, this is great news! ULTRAWOMAN What? DONNER I am SO happy for you! Think of the excitement of raising a kid... a super-powered kid, no less! Think of the endorsement deals! Think of the interviews! Think of the publicity! ULTRAWOMAN (smiles) Well, I have to say... You're taking this a lot better than I thought you would. DONNER C'mon, what am I, an ogre? This is happy, wonderful, blessed news and it's time you started treating it that way! Ultrawoman kisses him on the forehead. ULTRAWOMAN Thanks, Donner. DONNER There's just one thing. ULTRAWOMAN That's that? DONNER Who's the father? A beat. Ultrawoman glares at Donner. Donner looks over his shoulder to see if anyone is standing behind him. DONNER It's a simple question. Who is it? Thad? Quasar? (snorts) Willard? Ultrawoman glares at him for a little while longer and then walks out the door. DONNER (annoyed) WHAT!? What did I say? FADE OUT: THE END FADE IN: INT. THE UNDERSEA CITY THRONE ROOM SEA MAN is standing in front of his throne. SEA MAN Hello, it's me... the newest member of Justice Squad, Sea Man. In today's story, you saw how an embarrassing name can make you laugh at someone else, but you shouldn't always do that. Why, if you meet someone named Cherish Cox, Ben Dover, Hugh G. Rection, or Pat McCrotch I know your first reaction would be laughter and pointing, but try to restrain yourself... you won't hurt anyone's feelings and you just might make a friend. Just like I did today when I didn't laugh at Quasar. Now THAT is a stupid name! He gives thumbs up to the camera. FADE OUT:

Vote on and review this episode in "The Little Merman" thread at the Forums !