TITLE: Jonestown Tea

AUTHOR: Mackenzie Anderson

RATING: R

WARNINGS: Highly disturbing: incest, rape, language, self-injurious and suicidal theme. Somewhat anti-religious.

DISCLAIMER: Song property of OTEP SHAMAYA, from the amazing, haunting album, Sevas Tra. "Jonestown Tea" not mine. Story original but based on the song.

SUMMARY: Based on the song… A girl undergoes years of sexual abuse by her "religious" father until she finally has enough…but how will she escape?. (religion unspecified) stream of consciousness…

DEDICATION: Finally finished, after how long? Almost a year… this was probably the hardest thing I've ever written in my life, so this is for you. You know who you are.

and it sounds like… armageddon

sounds like armageddon

sounds like… cum and drink with me

cum and drink with me

I stare down at his body, so still… motionless… even the simple act of breathing eradicated from his rapidly paling form. So fucking still, much like mine was all those fucking years. All of those years of being used, torn of my innocence, fucked since the day of my own armageddon… the first time the door opened in the dead of night, revealing his figure, his breath heavy with the stench of alcohol… his rough, callused hands…

and eye remember him fucking me

and eye remember liking it

eye didn't know any better

How young was I when it started? I was young enough to think that he was just giving me attention like everyone else's fathers… just like everyone else… right? He was just… noticing me… back when I still wanted him to notice me…

and eye remember the smell, and the pain, and the shame

and eye remember being afraid

and thinking every day

every single day

that it was my fault…

I was young, too, when I discovered that daddies weren't supposed to touch their daughters there. I begged, told him that I wanted to stop, because it was wrong, like in the videos they showed us. His eyes darkened and looked like deep black wells, and I was drowning, drowning in pain and misery… he grabbed me hard and told me that I was a bad, horrible child and I deserved all of it. Other children behaved, but I was naughty and just a fucking bad child

oh but what happened to that little girl

who used to dream of one day ruling the world

Innocence brutally taken, in one swift, agonizing motion, and I remember it all, the day all of my dreams were murdered (armageddon) – every time, every fucking move, every fucking day being fucking scared … and I wasn't innocent anymore. Because… of … him… I stopped playing the princess, because no princess would deal with this sort of agony. I was the servant in one of Grimm's fairy tales, the ones without a happy ending. No more dreams… they would only die as the others had.

who used to draw pretty pictures in my room-

beneath the moon

destroying to create

Slice ribbons into my arms, a portrait of my pain, rivulets of blood trailing down, seeping past the pearly white of past scars glinting in the pale moonlight, destroying myself, destroying you, the body you coveted, the body you wanted the body I hated the body that made me do this the body that was torn, cut, ravaged, pained, bruised, tired, worn, hated, loved, lost, misused, mentally murdered each and every night and I never knew what to do – I couldn't do this – I couldn't handle it, it was too fucking hard!

softly praying to god,

what do eye do now?

what do eye do now?

You ruined my life! It was all your fucking fault, telling me to pray for my sins, but it never worked, and I lost the faith I never had in the first place… If there was a god, would I be left to this hell? Did I really deserve this? Any of it? I tried to be good tried to remember to pray tried to do as I was told, tried so hard…

as eye secretly masturbate

but then eye'd hear his hooves coming down the floor

a bible in his hand

softly opening my door and he'd say…

Beads of sweat form on my forehead and I cannot help but cry harder- trying to suppress the pain (ignore the pleasure – it doesn't exist). Fucking slut stupid bitch little whore… or is that what I tell myself?

daughter! the day of your atonement is due!

well there's three million sinners out there…

and that includes you!

Who needs atonement more, Daddy? I'm not the one fucking my daughter… claiming… it's the right thing to do… that I… deserve this… what could I have done to deserve this? Did I do something? Did I? I'm sorry… I'll stop, I promise…

no daddy don't! no daddy don’t! leave me alone!

no eye don't wanna be free! so take your dick out of me!

please take your dick out of me!

If I screamed, would you stop? Daddy? If I screamed… would you?

eye'm bleeding, it's not fair

you see there's this little place eye like to go

eye like to run – deep inside,

where all the monsters are real and all the nightmares come alive

What is more frightening, you taking me so cruelly, so … painfully… or my escape with the blade pressed into my flesh, adding to the blood pooling beneath my shaking body… the fear rising up within me… I'd prefer the pain of my fantasy to the agony of this cold reality.

oh, but the things eye've seen in soft, soft visions

and terrifying prophecies, like serpents on the take and

gods coming in all sizes and shapes

Maybe if I escape into another world, the pain will go away. Maybe if I imagine myself in another place… without you there… maybe… you always tell me to put my faith in "god," but maybe it's time to find another, another who will help me… but which one is "right"? Which one will save me from this hell? Which one will save me from you?

and nothing seems fulfilling anymore

well your temples are swollen in deceit

and the body of your missionary-

he's rotting… rotting in defeat mama?

Is this punishment for losing my faith? Daddy… reverend… father… please… Soft moans of agony escape my lips-mistaken for moans of pleasure, which they aren't, they couldn't be, I couldn't possibly be enjoying this, why is my body betraying me?-his hand reaches out to slap my face, slurring… fucking slut.

Daddy… she knows? He claims she does, claims she doesn't care, that I deserve this pain… she lets him… Mommy? You let him? Day after day, night after night, time after time… she does… nothing… just lets him take me every night in my own bed, pink with a canopy, so out of place-I feel like a harem slave-here for… one purpose… blood falling, flowing, cascading, tearing myself up inside and out hating myself hating everyone loving nothing-love a foreign word-love only brings pain! You told me you loved me and you lied! You… ruined… me…

why did you do it to me? how could you do it to me?

why did you do it to me?

eye will not cry… eye will not cry…

eye prefer die! than live… this life – of lies!

He tries to justify his behavior… tires to tell me that it's my fault… maybe it is… maybe… maybe I should just leave, forever, escape so I don't have to hear your mendacity… your excuses, your reasons, your fucked up justifications… Maybe if I cut a little deeper… maybe?

kill what you can!

challenge everything

vengeance is mine…

A perfect cut, lining my arm… I will avenge myself by destroying what you hold dear… your subversion no more… it's over. I will fight back, I will scream, I will-!

hey… eye'm sorry… baby…

please come back inside

and live and die

Even now his memory haunts me, as your hands slide down, attempting to soothe the hurt that he left upon me, attempting to erase the memories and replace them with something new, something better, with you… I'm sorry… baby… I don't mean to let him get to me… no… you don't remind me of him… that's laughable… but… please… I'm sorry…

no… wait, see… eye got this hot pot of jonestown tea

and it's been brewing for you and me

oh, it only takes one sip

come on… baby – surrender your lips

and eye can take you someplace nice

eye can take you… someplace nice!

See? I'm calm now… calm… calm… I promise. No, ignore the blood, ignore the pain… Ignore – everything… see, I'm fine. Not letting the memories come back to the surface, not letting myself realize that he's winning… come on… you want to escape with me? It won't hurt… I promise… I'm floating… floating…

breed my disease

be my disease and vengeance will be mine

it's closer than you think

I didn't want to go… I don't want… to be here… I wanted to… die… to escape… not come back here… alone… with him… No! …please… come back… I'll behave, I will, I promise… I… please… please don't leave me. Please!

so eye entered his room at 32 past noon

and with my little ritual knife…

eye cut out his tongue

I'm laughing now… Daddy… I'm laughing… you're gone, gone… I'm free, finally free from you, your hands, tongue, dick… all of it… I'm free. Free from you… forever, and ever… forever. Free…

liberated his wife, and she loved me for it

other world womyn –

well, that's what she called me [destroyer]

the one who sets you free

Mommy? You… you hated him… for hurting me? You… cared? Mommy, he said… he said… he threatened you, too? (I believe him still… is that so horrible? You could have saved me) I'm sorry… I shouldn't have listened, shouldn't have believed him or any of his lies (as I lie now… I learned well, didn't I, Daddy?) I was scared (and so was he I think) and I screamed, and no one came, no one… I'm sorry… I should have known… I should have known… should have…

[cum and drink with me]

we all die like cartoons,

surrender your children,

kids like to kill, lies…

I'm leaving… Mommy… on my own (hide the razors, hide the blades, hide the pain) Yeah… I'll be fine… Call the neighbors… call… anyone… it was self-defense, Mommy. But… not, I'm leaving (hide the poison, hide the lies) I love you (you didn't protect me) I'll call (but you won't answer, like you never did when I screamed for help). Yeah, thanks. For everything (for nothing). Goodbye. (escape by way of blood, lovely crimson gashes). Goodbye.