Curtain opens, a set for a typical talk show (Regis and Kelly type setup), now empty.

Voice: Three minutes to air, three minutes.

Murray's voice: (from offstage) He's not in the bathroom, sir!

Director [young guy with goatee, ponytail and beret]: (enters) Did you check both!?

Murray [assistant, thick glasses and a headset, carries a clipboard]: (enters from opposite site) Yes sir. By the way I'm going to have to miss Friday's show for my court date.

Director: (paces) Not good. . . not good at all. . . Gary you stupid ass show up already!

Voice: Two minutes thirty seconds to air.

Director: SHUT UP!

Voice: You didn't need to be rude about it.

Director: (to Murray) Do we have a movie or something-

Voice: I have feelings too.

Director: SHUT YOUR FRIGGING MOUTH!

Voice: Oh, now you've done it. Just for that, thirty seconds to air.

Director: NO! That's the last thing we need!

Voice: You should have thought of that before. Twenty seconds.

Director: I'm sorry! Please give us more time!

Voice: No. You hurt my feelings. Ten seconds.

Director: Murray! Think of something!

Both look around frantically as the Voice speaks.

Voice: Five. . . four. . . three. . . two. . .

The "On Air" sign clicks on, canned applause is heard. Director and Murray freeze, look at audience, then run offstage..

Voice: And now here's our host, Gaaaaaary Heart.

A long pause.

Voice: Gaaaaary Heart.

Another pause.

Voice: Gaaa-

Director's voice: FOR GOD'S SAKE CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

The On Air sign shuts off. Director and Murray rush back onstage.

Director: Do we have an alternate?

Murray: Yeah, but. . .

Director: But what?

Murray: He's kind of. . . a Neo Nazi.

Director: You hired a Neo Nazi as our alternate!?

Murray: It was either that or the guy with the lazy eye!

Director: God that guy creeped me out. . .

Murray: We might be able to arrange for them to show a movie or something.

Voice: No can do. We have to get permission from the studios before doing that.

Director: Or we could just run a solid half hour of commercials. Everybody loves commercials, right!?

Long, excrutiating pause.

Voice: Commercial break's ending. I have to put you back on in thirty, with or without a host.

Director: Oh lord, what do we-

Gary [a slick Hollywood type, now looking very dissheveled] enters hurriedly.

Director: GARY! OH THANK GOD! You're on in a few seconds, sit down! (begins pushing him towards the host's chair)

Gary: Steve, I can't go on right now!

Director: (pushes him into chair) I know you look like hell, but we'll fix it in the next commercial break! Right now just cover! (exits in a rush)

Gary: But Steve I-

Director's voice: Not now!

Voice: Five, four, three, two-

The On Air sign comes back on , canned applause.

Gary: (calls offstage to Director) I have syphilis!

Director: (enters again) Cut to commercial!

Voice: I can't-

Director: Do it! NOW!

The On Air sign shuts off. Director reaches Gary's chair.

Director: WHAT!?

Gary: I just found out this morning, I got syphilis.

Director: WHAT DID YOU GO DOING THAT FOR!?

Gary: (stands) I would have avoided it if I'd known! But let me tell you, I am a changed man. No more of this wild life, no more sex, no more booze, I'm gonna clean up my-

Director: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! And I don't wanna know any more about your personal life than I already do! Listen to me- you have a show to do. NOW. I don't care what horrible disease you have, you-

Gary: The disease is not the important thing! I've turned over a new leaf here! After I found out about my syphilis, I wandered into a church, and they told me how I could-

Director: SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! I don't care what you do with your life- you can go kill some hookers for all I care as long as you stay out of prison! All I care about is you being here every morning at nine with that stupid grin of yours plastered on your face ready to interview a bunch of shallow Hollywood stiffs as phony as you are! Understand?

Gary: Yes sir.

Director: Good. Now get ready- you're on in

Voice: Thiry seconds.

Director: (to Voice) Thank you.

Gary: Alright, I guess I could do it if you need me to. . .

Director: Excellent! Get ready, your first guest is

Voice: Veronica Maxwell, star of the new blockbuster "Vampire Slayers in Paris."

Director: Thank you again.

Voice: Five (hearing this, Director exits quickly) four, three, two, one.

The On Air sign clicks on, canned applause. Gary smiles fakely and sits in his chair.

Gary: Thank you, thank you. I'm very sorry for all the confusion earlier, but I assure you it's all taken care of. So without further ado, please welcome my first guest. . . (thinks for a second, begins snapping his fingers)

Director: (hisses from offstage) Veronica Maxwell.

Gary: Veronica Maxwell!

More canned applause. Veronica [your typical blonde actress in a flashy dress] enters smiling brainlessly. Gary stands, shakes her hand, and sits back down. Veronica sits on the couch opposite him. The applause dies down.

Veronica: Great to be here Gary.

Gary: Great to have you. So, in your new movie, you play a vampire hunter, is that correct?

Veronica: Yes, Allison Sumrall, she and her friend find vampires on the streets of Paris and-

Gary: Yes, yes. Tell me Veronica, have you found Jesus?

Veronica: (her phony smile fades a bit) Excuse me, what?

Gary: Have you accepted Jesus into your life? Have you been saved, Veronica?

Veronica: I. . . I. . .

Director's voice: COMMERCIAL! CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

Voice: We're already ahead two breaks, I don't think I can-

Director's voice: (screaming at the top of his lungs) JUST DO IT! NOW!

Voice: Fine, fine.

The On Air light shuts off again. Director enters out of breath.

Director: WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?

Gary: What any decent human being should do. I'm preaching the good word to-

Director: Well stop it! (to Veronica) I'm terribly sorry about all this, we'll-

Gary: If you're going to stifle my beliefs, maybe I'll just leave.

Director: Maybe you will! We'll get the Neo Nazi to fill in for you- at least he doesn't try to force his beliefs on the guests!

Murray: (entering) Actually sir, in his test interview-

Director: Shut up!

Veronica: Um, I'm Jewish. . .

Voice: We have the exectutives' permission to show 'Abbot and Costello Meet the Wolfman.'

Director: Good! Show it!

Gary: So what, the word of the Lord comes second to Abbot and Costello!?

Director: You're fired! Get out!

Gary: I can sue you for this- religious discrimination!

Director: OUT!

Gary exits angrily.

Veronica: So you guys dragged me down here and now no one's gonna interview me!?

Director: I'll arange it so you still get paid.

Veronica: Good.

Voice: So Veronica, wanna go get some coffee?

Veronica: (shrugs) Sure, why not? (exits)

Director sits on ground, rubbing his temples. Murray sits next to him.

Murray: What do we do now, sir?

Director: I don't know.

Pause.

Murray: I love you.

Director: Not now, Murray.

End.