a/n:

a serious point requires serious writing, so, for once, i will type properly. but don’t get used to it; you won’t see it very often :P i’ve taken out all those acknowledgements. i have not forgotten, i just feel new readers don’t have a reason to read them.

i am going to miss you all. i hope to come across all of you again somehow somewhere sometime in my life.

thank you.

-k8

Chapter Thirty-Six

Forced Decisions

Two days of straining emotions flipping back and forth within his mind. Forty-eight hours of emotional confusion and that hated feeling of watching life unfold while having his hands tied behind his back. And still no answer. After all that time he had spent just thinking about his position and trying to make a choice ... he had gotten no further. He still didn’t know what he should do. Was there even a right choice in this? Both options hurt someone ... and neither sat well with his conscience. He hated betrayal, yet he had to choose to betray his king or die himself.

Agonizing over it did Fenix no good. And hadn’t he already gone through this feeling? Of knowing what was going to happen and not being able to do anything because if he did, it would start the landslide on the other side of the mountain, crushing another underneath it? He had hated everything when he was faced with it before, and he hated everything now. He hated having options that all led to equally painful roads. Why couldn’t he just start a landslide and not have to hurt anyone? And not have to hurt himself?

He saw the Rebels in a new light now. He knew they were more than he had thought they were. And he didn’t hate them for what they had done. War was war, and both sides had fought and killed without knowing the other. He knew what was the noble thing to do; the thing he should do: hold his head up high and stay with his cause and die for it. But he didn’t want to die. It was selfish, but he didn’t. The door behind him to his past was already closed tight and locked, but dying would render it non-existent.

After his “tour” of the Rebel base, he had been thrown back in his cell to reflect on this new development and make his decision. It hadn’t been fun. Finally the endless thinking process was ended by an abrupt trip to the Head Office. He was taken from the cell near sunset and marched through the doorway, where his handcuffs were removed. He wondered at that.

Now he stood blinking in the artificial light, staring the Rebel leader in the eyes, feeling like he even breathed in slow motion. This was it. There could be no more running, no more denying. No more putting it all off. He had to face the facts: he had to make a choice.

“Have you made your decision yet?” Jack asked. He was leaning back in a chair, one arm resting on a wooden desk, twirling something idly with his fingers as if he hadn’t a notion of how torn Fenix felt at the moment and didn’t care.

Of course he doesn’t care. He shouldn’t. He’s the enemy leader. He never should have even given me this choice. I should be dead now, without the option of deserting. Then this choice would be made for me, and no one would be able to blame me for doing the wrong thing that I think I might do here.

“I’ve seen what you do for your countrymen,” he replied slowly, hoping the Rebel leader would not explode with anger as he had seen Aiur’s father do. “And I admire your goals and methods. I know you are not evil people and you do so much good for the kingdom that I refused to accept before. But I cannot turn my back on everything I lived as.”

Jack stared at him a long moment. Fenix stared back, waiting with baited breath for the reply. What was Jack thinking about? And why was he studying him that way?

The Rebel leader put the object he had been twirling, a rolled up sheet of parchment, back on the desk. “I know how hard it is to do that,” he said slowly. Fenix frowned. How could he say something like that? And he sounded like he meant it. It didn’t make sense.

He continued, “If that is what you wish, we will respect that. However ...” He trailed off significantly.

“What?”

He leaned forward, propped his elbows on his desk, and rested his chin on his hands. “I do not want to resort to desperate measures, but we cannot let you leave after you have seen so much of our institute. You will have to join us, but I insist on all recruits coming willingly.”

Desperate measures? I do not like the sound of that. Obviously, he has a plan. I made my decision. Now what is he going to throw at me that will make me regret it even more than I already do?

He masked his discomfort. “And I am not willing.”

Jack sighed and leaned back. He twirled the roll of parchment between his fingers again. “We have one of our assassin’s weapon trained on the Traditionalist Princess Aiur’s heart right now,” he said briskly, his voice becoming suddenly hard and emotionless. “If you do not agree to fight for our cause, I am afraid I will have to tell him to shoot the girl.”

Fenix clenched his fist. His blood ran cold. That turned the entire situation completely upside-down. How dare this man threaten him with her life? he had just hung everything he treasured in the balance. How had he known?

No, no ... please no...

He shut his eyes, thoughts tumbling through his mind so fast he couldn’t discern one from the next. Now his options stood as betrayal or ... betrayal. That was even worse than before! Helpless ... he was so helpless. God, how could he make this choice?

He looked back at Jack. The Rebel leader met his gaze levelly. Through his hazed mind, Fenix focused numbly on the older man. Jack’s face was as inscrutable as a stone, but his eyes were remarkably intense. Fenix felt them burning through him as if searching for something. What would his enemy gain by studying him this way? Surely it showed plainly on his face just how shattered he was. What more was there to see?

And then the man seemed to find whatever he had been looking for, and his eyes softened, something very like compassion manifesting in them. Confusion assailed Fenix through the clouding in his head. It still didn’t make sense.

“Make your choice, Fenix,” he said abruptly, his icy tone completely contrasting the look in his eyes.

Now the man really confused him. What was he supposed to believe: words or body language? Didn’t this man hate him and want him dead, or if not to just use him for their cause and then throw him? That was what should be the case. Why that hint of remorse in his eyes?

Fenix tried to tame his hurtling heartbeat, his thoughts switching from the irregularity of Jack’s actions to the dilemma staring at him, waiting to consume him. His thoughts had no pattern to them; they skittered brokenly through his mind. How could he make a decision like this so suddenly? It had taken him long enough to be brave enough to accept his own death, and even that he hadn’t embraced fully. Now there was more than his life that hung in the balance. He could justify giving his own life ... giving someone else’s was not his choice to make. Especially Aiur’s. It was unthinkable. He stared blankly at his palms and the whiteness spreading across the skin there from clutching them so tightly.

I said I would never betray my king. And I meant that. I’m not a traitor. I was - I am - willing to die before doing so. But Aiur ... when did she get thrown into this? I thought I’d stay loyal no matter what. I was ready to go to the grave. And then they just had to throw this at me. Nothing is worse the price of her life. Nothing.

And look at what I give to save her life. Joining the enemy now means starting over, this time rethinking everything I believed in, fighting against what I once defended, and committing to a world without her. That’s really what it comes down to, I have to admit that. That’s where most of the pain and the reluctance is coming from. And that’s why I didn’t fully accept death, too, isn’t it? The closed door ... that was to her. If I join these people, I save her - not that she’ll ever know - but I won’t ever see her again. But if I don’t, then I won’t see her, either. She’d be dead, and maybe I as well. Which is better? Do I even have the right to deliberate it? Putting her life into it ... I have no right to do that. I have to keep her out of this.

I still don’t understand how she got put into it in the first place.

His palms were sweating. “How can you communicate?” he stalled.

“We have our ways.”

The Rebel leader calmly drew some flat electronic packet of advanced technological origins from his pocket and placed it on the desk in front of him.

Fenix recognized the device immediately. It was undoubtedly an ATST transmitter, which was part of one of the state of the arc, top-graded communication systems available. How did the Rebels get a hold of the assembly instructions to build them?

Jack’s finger rested just over the screen. “Shall I tell him to finish the job?”

“You’re bluffing,” he accused. Beads of sweat were beginning to form on his brow. He was struggling for something – anything – that could revoke the possibility of her being killed. He didn’t think it was the complete truth: Rebels couldn’t have infiltrated the palace and be close enough to the princess to shoot her at that moment. But he couldn’t prove anything. He didn’t know for sure.

“Perhaps.” Jack raised an eyebrow. “But are you willing to risk her life on that?”

He couldn’t answer.

Jack shook his head. “I don’t have all day; I’m a busy man. What will it be, Fenix? Join us? Or return to watch her die?”

Slowly, he unclenched his fist. He knew there was no choice for him when it was put that way. He licked dry lips. He couldn’t let them hurt her. He couldn’t let them have even the motive to hurt her. All that mattered was that she lived. He wasn’t even sure why her life meant so much to him. He knew that if he joined the Rebel forces, he’d play a part in defeating the Traditionalist side. He knew it was more that likely. Saving her life and then bringing it to ruin later made no sense. But he couldn’t do anything other than that. He would have to live with being a traitor ... live with trying to kill her future. Could he? He wasn’t sure. But that was what it came down to.

“Don’t kill her,” he grated helplessly, his voice straining.

“Sign, then, please.” Now Jack’s voice sounded pleasant, as if he were talking to an old friend. “And just to inform you, once you join us, you can never quit. Deserters will be killed without questioning.”

The parchment was unrolled in front of him. He stared at the black script printed on it for a long time, and then slowly took the quill and signed his name on the dotted line at the bottom.

“Do you promise your being to this cause?”

“I promise.” His voice was thick.

“Excellent.” The man casually flipped the transmitter closed. “I knew you would come to your senses eventually.” He stood. “Go to the Agency Lodge to fill in the essential information and get your robes. Then you can board at the Attack Faction Quarters for now. I expect to meet with you tomorrow to assign you a faction and brief you in on our rules.”

Fenix nodded, swallowing hard. He exited the Head Office as quickly as possible, feeling a hole begin growing in his heart. Now what was his identity? He had just given up all of his previous life; the palace and Traditionalist customs and Aiur would soon be no more than a distant dream, one he was sure he would never get to live again.

He had to forget it all and focus on the present. He looked down at his hands. But he had tried that once, and he had been far less than successful.

Once in the barracks, he stared out the window of his temporary chambers. The sun was starting to set and the skies were streaked red and purple. He blinked to keep the picture in focus.

I’m sorry, Aiur.

How had it gotten to this? Why was she even in the place she was now? She thought back to days when Malloy had been only a shadow on the edge of her mind, one that she thought could never enter her world. How she had treated and thought of him then, and now ... how different it was! What started it all? It was like for just one moment she had weakened in her will. Because what he had once set had come true. She had been left alone. And she had let him try and fill that void ... for once she hadn’t run away. She had said nothing. Now that he was halfway in, could she push him completely out?

Aiur blinked her heavy eyelids. She had thought about this all enough. Was it even worth all this confusion? She felt drained and like her emotions were stretched to their limits and straining inside of her. Yes, that was it. She felt like she was vying to fall ... wanting to crack and crumble into pieces. She was ready to break. Enough of politics already, and the tangles effects of her actions that limited her! She wanted to drop out of it so badly ... to just run away and not screw up everything by doing so.

I was never good with decisions.

A sharp thud sounded from outside of her closed door. She barely heard it.

She had broken all her possible options down as far as they would go. There was no deeper place to take them. And all it had done was to leave her exhausted and wanting to end it. She wanted to get it over with and not have to antagonize over it any longer. That was a dangerous position to be in. But she didn’t want to care anymore.

She ignored the now-persistent knocking on her door, wanting to be left alone to her thoughts, but the sound wouldn’t cease. She swung the door open, irritated, then stopped dead.

“Father?” The princess let her gaze dart between her parent and her Guardian, who stood beside him. This could not mean anything good. “What’s going on? What are you doing here now?”

“To discuss a serious issue, daughter,” the king intoned gravely. “May we enter?”

“Of ... of course.” She held the door open wider and moved to her bed, where she perched nervously on its edge, twisting her hands in her lap.

Neither man said anything. She studied their expressions. Her father looked like he was making a decision, perhaps weighing what exactly to say to her. Malloy looked like he was trying to hide a triumphant smirk. Every now and then, the corner of his mouth twitched. And there was a triumphant glow to his eyes; she saw that clearly. Neither helped her figure out anything, and she was too close to the edge to try harder.

“Is something wrong?” she finally asked.

The king looked at Malloy as if to say, “you tell her”.

“Princess,” Malloy began formally. He knelt on the floor in front of her. She felt an impulse to squirm away. But she didn’t move. “Do you know how I feel about you?” he asked softly.

She froze, looking down at him, stupefied. Her thoughts started speeding up, running together. How he felt about her? Felt what? Why did it matter? What was going on? Why was her father just standing there? Why was Malloy kneeling? Wasn’t that against a law somewhere? All of a sudden, she didn’t want to know any of those answers. But her expression must have had “huh?” written all over her face for her father cut in roughly.

“He has told you he loves you, no?”

Aiur felt her mouth drop open. Her father knew? And he wasn’t angry? “Er, yes, but-”

“I want you to marry me,” Malloy interrupted. He reached out, taking her hand. His grip was tender, his eyes that of a lover’s, but something in them was fierce and swallowed her as if that could force her to comprehend what he was saying.

Her eyes widened involuntarily. So it had come. She knew it was going to ... but the shock of it actually happening stunned her.

‘Marry you? Are you crazy? You don’t even know me, really, and you’re the one responsible for Fenix’s death! I hate you for that! How could we make it work? Am I crazy? Why am I even considering it? I thought I wasn’t going to think about this any more!’

“It is well.” The king smiled. She looked up at him. “The timing is perfect. The people need a cause for celebration. You will be wedded in a year.”

She opened her mouth to protest, but Malloy sent her a reprimanding look. “Not for me, Princess, but for the people. Your people. Your father told me he will soon step down. They will need a new king.”

She looked at her father. Her hands wanted to shake, but Malloy’s firm hold on them prevented that.

‘Is that why you are supporting this, Father?’ she questioned silently, feeling sick to her stomach. ‘Because of duty? I knew it ... I knew it ... why did I have to be right?’

Never in my right mind would I marry Malloy, but what can I say? I don’t want to be selfish. I shouldn’t be thinking of my own happiness. It’s like Tammy said, up to this point I have had the perfect life. So why shouldn’t I have to now give it all up? Is Malloy right? Isn’t the well-being of the people more important? And this would put an end to it all ... I wouldn’t be all confused.

She nodded, before she even knew what she was doing, her mind reeling. “I accept, then,” she said, her voice strange in her ears. It didn’t sound like her own voice. What had she just done?

The king beamed. “The people will rejoice.”

There. Isn’t that all that matters? I wanted to help them. Maybe this is the only way to.

Aiur didn’t want to face either of the two men in a long, long time, though. And what would Angela say? Surely the news would get out soon, probably helped by Malloy.

This is such a tangled mess.

“May I be excused to sleep, Father?” she asked politely. “I am tired, and this overwhelmed me. It was very unexpected.”

“Certainly.”

Malloy drew her to him and kissed her deeply. She wanted to slap him, but didn’t dare in front of her father. “Good night, then, my beautiful future bride,” he said to her.

I’ll never get used to hearing that.

Refusing to look at him, she wiggled out of his embrace and courteously saw them both out of her room. She closed the door and fell back against it, closing her eyes.

How did that happen? She thought of how shocked people would be. I’m sorry, Angela.

Fenix.

The thought came out of no where. And then his face appeared in her mind’s eye. She clenched her teeth angrily.

Why am I thinking of you now? I haven’t given you a second thought for so long. Why can’t I leave you behind? You’re dead! Why can’t I forget you? Go away!

Her thoughts calmed, slightly.

I’m engaged to Malloy, but I wish I wasn’t. I wish this could all be different. I wish you were here with me, at least. I could do this if you were here to support me. But you’re not, and I have to make this decision on my own. And I think I just made the wrong choice, but I can’t change anything now. Wanting to take any road to the end as long as it ended it was a more dangerous position to be in than I even thought. Look what I’m left with now. Regrets already. Didn’t I say I wouldn’t be confused? That making a decision would put my mind to peace? That it didn’t matter what happened as long as I didn’t have to think about it any longer?

I was so stupid.

She took a deep breath and looked out her window, at the setting sun and the red-tinged skies. Wisps of clouds graced the horizon. It looked so peaceful. So surreal. Yet reality was hitting hard. She knew, somehow, in her heart, that things would never be truly peaceful anytime closed her eyes tight, willing the image of Fenix in her mind to leave. It didn’t. She opened her eyes. He was still there. Even though she didn’t see him. She could feel him. She felt saddened, but slightly more mature, more accepting.

This is the way it has to be, Fenix. I’m sorry.

THE END

… sort of :P

thank-you a million-billion times over for reading this. profound gratitude is all i can give you, but you will never know just how much you gave me. reviews on this fic still mean a lot to me, & yes i DO read them all. so don’t think you won’t be heard if you have something to say even now or that i don’t wanna hear it. i do, i do!! you survived reading this? (i hope you skipped the author notes, for your sanity's sake.) omigasp. that's absolutely amazing.

no, this is NOT the end-end. go to my author profile page (click on my pen name near the top-left of the screen) to read the sequel! even if you thought this was a horrible fic. i promise the sequel’s better. cross my heart. besides, aiur & fenix have to reunite eventually, don’t they?? :wink:

now, GO. SEQUEL.

-k8

you have all given me something invaluable from your reading of this fic, & the time you took to say something.
without your input, i wouldn't be where i am now.
i wish you all the best. it was appreciated beyond what i can ever say.

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(apologies to anyone i miss or make a typo on or anyone who's changed their pen name ... it's hard to track)
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& everyone else who never said anything but i know read this.

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