Ya know I never really thought of myself as a journaling person but here
I am essentially talking to myself! Ok well let me tell you about myself Hi
I'm John and I am 14 yrs old. So what do people talk about when they get a
journal. hmm. I don't know. I had never really given that much thought on
the subject. Oh well I have to do my homework and Friends is coming on so I
will have to talk to you later.
Hey its me again, sorry I just couldn't sleep and I decided to write to
you! Now don't you feel special? Ha! I have a feeling you and I are going
to be good friends. Do you know why? Well I shall tell you! You are the
ideal friend, you won't tell secrets, and you won't give bad advice or
squeal on me. I'm getting really tired now that I have gotten up so I will
have to call it a night. Good night best friend.
"Wow!" Today really was my day. I scored two count them, two
touchdowns in P.E. today. After school I talked with the guys, AKA Sam,
Frank, and Ben; they are trying to plan an outing this upcoming weekend
with Beverley and Sandra. I really like Sandra now since she has been being
nicer to me lately. Frank said the only reason she was being mean was
because she liked me. Wait a minute; if she is mean to me when she likes me
and nice to me she doesn't, I think I want her to be mean again, because I
like her now. "No!" I want her to be nice so that I can tell her. "Don't
I?" Oh, well. Girls are way too complicated.
What else happened today that I can tell you about, hmmm.? I had
another one of those stupid bad headaches again. This time it was so bad I
had to go to the school office and lie down. What was it Doc. Jones called
them? "Migraines" was the word I think. Well, I have to go now and do my
homework so until tomorrow. P.S. Dad is finally coming home from his
conference tomorrow. I can't wait to tell him about my touchdowns!
Today wasn't as good of a day as yesterday was. I couldn't finish my
English test because my right hand was too weak to grip the pen. I just
told the teacher I didn't know the rest of the questions. I was getting
kind of scared because that's pretty serious business isn't it? Oh shut up
John it's not serious I'm just being a wimp. But man it was so
We got to watch a movie in history which meant "Nap Time!" That had to
have been hands down the best in-school nap I have ever taken. Now I know
you're not going to believe me on this one, but you have to. I barely
believed myself but hay I have to because I'm the one who saw it. Ok, here
goes. When I was waking up from my history nap I could have sworn that in
the corner of my eye I saw the desk next to me floating, but when I turned
to look it had resumed its natural position. At first I was scared because
I was seeing a desk floating. I very seriously doubt I was the only one
that saw the phenomenon. I mean it was as plain as day! Oh, now I get it
they all saw it but no one wanted to say anything for fear of looking or
sounding crazy. I'm going to look into this further; I'll ask around and
see if anyone else saw it. Let's get of the subject of science fiction and
on to non-fiction.
I got to sit by none other than the wonderful Miss Sandra Conrad today
at lunch. We didn't talk much, but I could tell she enjoyed my company
because she kept glancing at me, and whenever I would catch her glance she
would blush. It just occurred to me that you don't have any idea what
Sandra looks like. Ok be prepared to have your socks knocked off, Sandra
Conrad is tall with brown, shoulder-length hair, and the prettiest green
eyes I have ever seen. Beverly mentioned to me today that Sandra might want
to go to the Halloween dance with me. It's coming up in about a month. I
almost fell down when she told me this. I have liked Sandra probably as
long as I can remember!
Dad came home this afternoon, like I said. When he came through the
front door, I gave him a big hug. He threw me off in an angry manner
saying, "Boys don't hug other boys." Everything I do is either not quite
good enough or totally wrong in his eyes. Sometimes I wonder what could be
wrong with me. Can't I do just one thing right!?
I think Dad still blames me for my Brother Tucker's accident. Brace
yourself because this is a pretty long story. Two years ago it was a cold,
November morning, and I was supposed to be watching Tucker while he climbed
some trees in the woods. He eventually got bored with the small trees and
he went off on a long walk in search of the ultimate tree to climb.
Meanwhile I was preoccupied by this little squirrel, he was so cute the way
he would stuff nuts into his cheeks. Apparently Tucker climbed up a tree
trying to catch a woodpecker, he stepped on a week limb and fell. He was
paralyzed from the waist down. Tucker and Mom forgave me, but I don't think
dad has yet. Dad always used to talk about the big dreams he had for
Tucker. I remember once when Dad got so mad, at something that happened at
work, he came home in a rage and screamed at me, "You ruined Tucker's
future! He was going to be a soccer player or a runner! But you took his
future from him and then had the guts to say it was an accident! I knew you
were always jealous of him!" But what made matters worse was when I started
crying and he picked me up and threw me onto the couch and put his finger
in my face and said that God hates liars. You see I never was much of an
athlete but Tucker was Dad's trophy.
I bet your wondering why I'm not outside helping Dad chop wood to
store in the cellar. Well, I went out there and chopped a few but on my
third swing; my right hand became so weak I dropped the axe. I was hoping
that Dad didn't see but he did, and he yelled at me and told me how much of
a weakling and a liar I was. He knew I didn't want to do it from the
beginning so it was all the more worse.
After that, I started thinking that maybe my weakness has been my body
rebelling and saying "You're not going to do this because you don't want
to." That would make some sense because I didn't want to chop wood or take
the English test in the first place.
Sorry I haven't written in like a month, partly because I couldn't
find you for the longest time. Here's an update on my floating desk. No one
else saw it, and its not just desks that can float, I have seen other
things float on bye while I wasn't paying attention. It's weird because I
can't focus on them directly. Maybe it's my eyes?
Today was also a very sad day in more ways than one. I know your
thinking well how could today be sad since today was the day I had to go to
Sandra's and help her with her math homework. Just wait and see (Those
faint of heart turn away now for this is the most terrifying thing that has
entered my plain of vision as of yet). I went home with Sandra after school
as I have already told you, but the problem didn't arise until we entered
the realm of solving equations and Sandra got so frustrated with one
problem she stormed of to the bathroom and didn't return for sometime. But
when she did return she had on a long sleeve sweater and if she hadn't made
the comment of how hot it was in her room before she left this would have
gone unnoticed to me. I asked her about it and she started screaming "Why
does it matter! I thought you were here to help me with Math not fashion!"
I grabbed her arm to calm her down but when I did it was wet. A red syrupy
substance began to seep through the fabric. I pulled back her sleeve and
she had carved the words "Life Sucks" in her arm. I was disgusted and
frightened at the same time as to why someone would inflict so much pain
I immediately ran out of her room, out of her house, and I just kept
running. About halfway back to my house, I began to feel sick and my right
arm was totally numb. When I got inside I tried to lean on the wall with my
right arm but it collapsed. I fell on the floor and started vomiting. It
was the worst sensation I have experienced, my arm was numb, I was vomiting
and I was beginning to get a headache.
Mom, Dad, Tucker, and I got into the car and headed for the hospital.
Now after that it gets kind of blurry. I remember the doctor asking me what
was wrong and if I had any other symptoms. I told him about the floating
things, and he went outside and talked with my parents for a long time.
They took me home, and the next day drove me up here to Tranquil Acres
Mental Hospital, they signed me in and checked me out of their lives.
Man it's been awhile hasn't it? This is the first time that the
orderlies have let me use a pen for something that wasn't related to school
work; they said I may have suicidal tendencies. You can consider this my
last entry because I got made fun of by this guy in group therapy because I
said I kept a journal.
It's been almost one year and five months since I was admitted here at
the "Nut House". I'm sixteen now and all the normal kids are outside
learning how to drive and are going on dates, while the selected few who
are staying here are denied that.
It's not all bad I guess; I'm doing much better in therapy than I was
at first, partly because I tell them what they want to hear. In reality
things are worsening, the floating desks have gone away now, but turned
into walls. My headaches are sometimes so severe I cry. It's gotten to the
point where my whole right are is always weaker than my left.
I wonder why all those things happen to me. I can't get an explanation
out of anyone as to the exact reason I was landed in here. The orderlies
just look at me, and my therapist tells me the same old thing every time.
"Well, why don't you tell me that", is what he says. I wish I could just be
normal. "Why me? Why do I have to suffer?"
My parents have totally abandoned me; they just keep paying the bill
so I'll stay locked out of their lives forever. The last time I saw my
father was a year ago. I wish I wasn't such a screw up, I wish I could make
him proud instead of making him want me to disappear.
I'm sorry I lied, I managed two years but I just had to tell someone
what happened today and you were the only one I could think of because I
don't have many friends here. They say I may be going home within the next
few months or weeks even. "Going home, to what?" I haven't seen my family
in almost two years; I might as well be dead to them, as long as they have
the perfect child.
I was doing my school work in study hall today and I had to pick one
word to describe me and my life. Several words ran through my head, crazy,
freaky, weird, bad etc. It wasn't until I came across the word ignis fatuus
it meant many different things but the one definition the stood out to me
was "An illusion that misleads" I knew then that I had found my word. My
disorder and my family are all misleading illusions to me.
You will never guess who I saw in the lunch room today, Sandra Conrad.
I guess her parents finally found out about her little problem so she will
be staying here until she gets better. I could barely recognize her, her
hair was tangled, her skin was as pale as snow, and her eyes that once held
that majestic spirit were merely empty.
That was the first sign I got that the outside the white walls of the
hospital the world had left me behind. I've wasted three years of my life
in this place and to everyone else I'm getting better everyday, but I know
and you know I'm screaming inside. I'm screaming for it to stop. I wish the
world would just stop so I could get off this horrific ride.
I got a phone call today; it was from my dad. He said that he loved me
and that he would come pick me up in my new car on Sunday. That's two days
from now. The head nurse finally let me see my file and it said I was a
recovered Pathological Liar and Hypochondriac. I know I'm not anywhere near
recovered, but I'm functioning ok like this. Who am I kidding? I can't
drive if I see other cars floating by me! I'll manage, I always have. My
dad loves me; he'll know exactly what to do.
P.S. I have changed my life word to loved. P.S.S. Thank you God I'm
John Wingate was found dead in his room
at Tranquil Acres Mental Hospital on the
morning of Sunday May 1970, he was 17. An
autopsy later revealed that his symptoms were
those of a benign, slow growing tumor in his cerebellum.
"He it made home"