That's right; I'm killing my dog. Not intentionally, mind you. In fact, I had no idea I was even doing it. Then I had a run-in with...a crazy lady.

I had made plans to go to In & Out and get some fries. My dog, being a dog, likes to go with me in the car, so I took him. As we approached the drive-thru, I realized this was going to be a bitch because the line was winding around buildings eight blocks away, and even FORKED, not to mention the fact that fast food places undoubtedly hire the biggest idiots on the planet besides the 50,000 people who voted this year. So I just said "fuck it" and pulled into the closest parking spot. I cracked the windows slightly, went inside, got some food at the much shorter line and came out. Time to get FUCKING STUPID.

As I step outside the place, there's a group of people, all women if I remember correctly, standing in front of my car, obviously being led by one woman in particular. At first, my reaction was just, simply put, "YES! They may be twice my age, but they WANT me!" Then, I slowly realized that this was simply more insanity in my fucking town.

At this point, I smiled widely and nodded.

There was an awkward pause.

And this point I got into the car, trying to get rid of the feeling of impending doom.

Just for you obsessive Animal Rights people, or whatever; it was actually cooler in my car from driving around with both windows down when I got inside it than it was OUTSIDE. You don't buy that, huh? All right, you got me. I didn't actually go inside to get some food. I went inside to get some plastic knives and forks. Over the last two years, I've created an elaborate program of tenderizing my dog and, real soon, he will provide the best damn meal ever tasted. In fact, the reason why I decided on that particular day to get the previously mentioned utensils was because my friend was visiting from Vietnam and I wanted to make him feel at home.

As I drove back, I tried to decide if she actually called the police. After a brief discussion with my dog, which consisted of "well... she IS crazy...", I decided that yes; she did call the police. But, what kind of officer answered the phone? I hoped, for some reason, that it was a stupid cop who answered the phone because then I'd have more free material later on: writing about me explaining to the cop exactly why the serial killer loose in our city provides more of a threat than a kid who thought it would be nice to take his dog for a ride. However, for other reasons, I hoped that the cop wasn't a complete moron so my make-believe conversation between the lady and the cop would be funnier based on the fact that it's probably true.

Another part I enjoyed (which you probably don't but hey, if you got this far...) was when I thought about things that should have been said but weren't, because I was left pretty much fucking speechless by the whole thing. Infact, I still have trouble completely grasping exactly what the hell happened. I mean, I'm not going to jail... am I? Anyway, here's what I thought of the whole thing (oh, and I'm aware of how lame it is to write about what would be cool if I had said so just shut the fuck up):

And me, not being clever (which you've probably noticed by now), could only come up with that much. Well, there were a few more things, but it all consisted of me claiming she had testicles, telling her to eat me, and, of course, talking about her mother.

Perhaps the funniest thing about this whole situation was that the group of women actually decreased down to this one woman while she tried to make sense of this crazy world. I'd say that half of the other people left when they realized that we just went inside for some food and not, as the Nut Job probably told them, to the "Secret Dog Torture Shop" located where the In & Out restroom used to be. The other half left about 10 seconds after she talked and I replied. This whole situation was enough to make me wish I could communicate with my dog telepathically more often, because if my DOG knew that this lady was trying to deprive him of rides in my car, she'd be dinner right now instead of him. Ha ha ha...I'm kidding, of course.

Well, that's it. Now I've got some other things to do, like cook my dog- WALK my dog. WALK. Ha...ha.