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aim: ashes chan

Disclaimer: The following contains many shameless uses of the word "you". Subjects who may be allergic to second person are warned they may break out in spontaneous hives. Also, the author would like to declare she has no responsibility from harm that may come to an individual stupid enough to follow her advice.

The Art of Procrastination
Preface

When assigned a personal essay in my college creative nonfiction class I was at a loss as to what to write. All of the essays we read in class seemed to point to writing about what you know. What am I good at? What do I know? Is there a person, place, or thing I can present to the world in a fresh light? Can I use this essay as a way to present my soul to the world? What subject could be my vehicle of inspiration? My mind was racing, trying to come up with some topic that would get me a shiny 'A' on my graded paper. And then, as everything in my life seems to turn out, I completely forgot about the assignment until ten minutes before the next class.

In an act of desperation, I plucked out my dictionary and flipped through to find something, anything, to save my sorry ass. My eyes settled on a random word in the 'D's "dreams".

Well! I thought. That should be easy to fake deepness! A little Shakespeare quote here a made up dream in a fake dream journal there and I was on my way to sweet 'C-' land. Now, I'm sure that most readers will be wondering: Isn't this your essay? Didn't you just tell your professor that you're a lazy lay about who likes to cheat? Are you stupid?

Why yes fair reader, I AM quite stupid.

Days flowed into weeks and I still had not put pen to paper, or even pen to proverbial computer screen. There was always something better to do. Shiny video games called out to me to kill zombies and rid fantasy worlds of evil aliens. Pretty books arrived from and I hurriedly consumed "Artemis Fowl" in one sitting. School work and due dates were a far away dream. Even the little nagging voice in the back of my mind was too busy watching television to prick my conscious. There was always tomorrow. Tomorrow I would start on that paper. I have weeks to finish.

And then I had a week.

And then I had days.

And now I'm faced with hours.

Excuse the imagery, but the proverbial fecal matter had hit the fan and it was time to clean out the carpet. My laziness had backed me into the wall. It was sink or swim, do or die, and other cliche phrases. As I sit at the computer screen watching the clock slowly tick by into 2:30am I wonder...what AM I good at? I've done a bit of research on dreams, but it's not enough. The topic is stale and too "intellectual" for me to wrap my mind around. In fact, I'm starting to dislike my whole set of dream notes. I have the irrestible urge to go out and burn them all, setting the notes up in a blaze of fire. Burn the neighborhood down and run away to Canada. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Lawyer Disclaimer: If in the future my client's home, neighborhood, or place of business happens to errupt in flames this document does not in any way incriminate my client or act as a confession. Furthermore, any boxes of matches, cans of gasoline, or caches of C-4 found in her home is purely coincidental.

What am I interested in? Would video games, comics, or anime be appropriate? My professor was an all around hip, interesting, nice, understanding, easy grading, and most importantly merciful guy, but I wasn't sure he would appropriate it. Books might have been interesting, but I still felt something amiss. The subject of karate only lended itself to two paragraphs. I felt too flabby and weak to write about that far off time when I was skinny and in shape.

Then reality ran me over like a protestor in Tiananmen Square.

Procrastination is what I'm good at! Laziness, cutting corners, putting off assignments until the last minute, that was what I excelled at! I was one of the masters of the art. I could write a book about the subject, if I wasn't so lazy to begin with.

Thusly, I present my guide to procrastination. Presented in the only way a guide on procrastination can be given: rushed, poorly edited, and at the last minute.

The Quick Guide to Procrastination, Cutting Corners, Laziness, and Turning in Last Minute Assignments to Still Get a C-

Part One: Philosophy Changes

First off, abandon any lofty goals and stigmas you may have in life. They will only lead to stress. For example, do you refuse to eat food that has fallen to the floor? Don't sweat it! Making new food will only take time and wasted effort. Didn't your mother ever tell you about starving children in Africa? Pick up that sucker off the floor. Five second rule? More like, five minute rule! If no visible bugs are present, a simple blow on the food or wipe it off on your pants and it will render the food delicious once more.

Goals, hopes, dreams, they're all opsticles to every human's true dream: sleeping till noon.

Part Two: Clothes

Many people throughout the ages have wasted time, money, and energy on useless extra clothes. Forget about the makeup, cologne, jewelry, or whatever else you try to use to make yourself look less ugly. It's all useless. Nothing will ever change your ugly mug. All anyone ever needs in life is a good pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt-shirt. Sweatpants are the essential clothes for an lazy person. They come up easily. They go down easily. Best of all, you can get way fatter than you are now and your pants will still fit!

Despite the common misconception, clothes can be worn several times before they are "dirty". How does one tell if clothes are dirty? A simple smell test will do. Put your clothes up to your nostirls and take a deep breath. Smell rancid to you? If not, they're good for at least another day! Also, by turning clothes inside out, you can discover a whole new outfit! Double your wardrobe!

Part Three: Education

While welfare may seem tempting, I urge every reader to get an education. Being on "COPS" may seem fun at first, but eventually being known as 'Bob: the guy with the stained white shirt who threw watermelons at his neighbors' will become annoying. Never fear, education, like everything else in life, can be accomplished half-assed and with the least amount of effort. There are simple do's and don'ts's for last minute education.

Stupid Mistakes

1. DO NOT COPY AN ENTIRE PAPER. Professors know what the Internet is too. The rewards are not equal to the risks.
2. DON'T MISS 90% OF THE CLASSES. Just because you're there doesn't mean you have to pay attention. Usually there will be too many students for the professor to even notice you. Be there as a statue and it's as good as paying attention. However, make sure your gaze is aimed in the right direction. There is no professor on the ceiling.
3. Too lazy to think up another mistake.

Shortcuts

1. Buy a cliff notes version. These handy little pamphlets will tell you what those pesky poems and books mean. No need to read the whole thing.
2. Makes friends with a shy smart kid. There's a price for your friendship. Answers!
3. Spaces are your friend. As Mr. Roger's would say: Can you see the spaces kiddies? I knew you could!

Part Four: Love Life

Marrying for love usually means being stuck with someone poor. Rid yourself of these useless Disney-esque sentiments. Being poor means less stuff and less waking up at noon. No, what you need is what the street calls: A Sugar Daddy/Momma.

There are dozens of rich, lonely, perverted old men and women looking for a young thing like you! Take advantage of this. Cruise the retirement homes. Sure their bodies' are wrinkly, saggy, creaky, and sometimes they forget your name. But don't sweat it! They won't live that long, and then you'll be left with a large sum of money!

Repeat as many times as necessary.

Part Five: Money

Does grandma really need to be buried in that cherry oak casket with the steel vault? Is that hand carved tombstone really necessary? Of course not! Grandma's dead! She's not going to know the difference. Get a cheap pine box and bury Granny in a six foot grave in the back yard. It's perfectly legal.

Part Six: Health

If you're not pucking up blood, you're not sick enough to go to the hospital. The human body is well equipped to fight off diseases all by itself. As long as nothing is falling off or falling out, doctor's are really unnecessary.

Part Seven: The Joy of Mooching

Last but not least, if the most important aspect a slacker should know. And that's....and that's...alskdfjasldkfjasfasdlj. Oops. Fell asleep and hit my head on the keyboard. Anyway, a slacker needs...Oh wow! I Dream of Jeanie Reruns! Be right back..................

As I was saying, a slacker needs to be skillful in the art of mooching. Setting up relationships is crucial. If you're parents aren't complete psychos, be nice to them. A true slacker knows there is no shame in living with your parents for the rest of your life. Privacy pales in comparison with free room and board. And, if you're lucky, free laundry and food!

Etc.

Next, is... Wait. Should a essay in procrastination need to be any longer? Does it not go against the very nature of the soul of my essay, to continue on? Would the God of Anti-hypocritical statements smite me down with his hammer of justice? Yes! I would be killing the very soul of my paper! I refuse to commit literary homicide (literary suicide on the other hand)! I beg of you, paper grading Gods, to have mercy on my pitiful soul. I emplore you to ignore this cheap ploy to pad out the paper with long winded diction!

Fare thee well, I take leave of you to off into the afterlife of C- greatness. Remember slackers: What you can do today, you can put off till tomorrow!

Or the next day after that. Or the next day...or the next day.....

[Authors note: I got a C+. Aim for the sky people! AIM FOR THE SKY!]