Dear family

I’m sorry.

I didn’t want it

To turn out this way.

I had so much planned for my life.

But life had other plans for me.

It had plans of pain

And turmoil.

Of a criminal

Out of the reach of the justice system.

It would seem

That a poor girl’s psyche

Is not very important

To the justice system today.

Don’t blame yourself

Because you didn’t see the signs.

The slipping grades,

The wavering attendance,

The fact that you had to try

And try

To get me to smile,

If even only for a brief second.

I’m sorry

I stopped living

Long before my body did.

I’m sorry

That it really is your fault.

I blame you,

But you shouldn’t.

Ultimately,

I guess you were just too caught up

In your own problems

To see mine.

You were blind to the pain of your child.

It’s your fault,

But not really.

You were blind long before

These thoughts had entered my mind.

I wanted you to be blind.

I was afraid of it myself.

Don’t worry about me,

I am released from my misery.

I’m sorry

That I wasn’t stronger.

I’m sorry

I couldn’t endure.

I’m sorry

My heart has never been broken

Because it was made of stone,

And I’m sorry

I never lived to be blind

To my own child’s pain.

I’m sorry

I never grew old enough

To want one.

I’m sorry

You had to be shocked

By the news of my inevitable demise.

But my apologies

Mean nothing right now.

These empty words won’t calm your soul.

But perhaps they will keep you

From making the same mistake twice.

I was sick of the ‘white lies’ and blind eyes.

Sick of the blame game,

The bad names.

I was so sick and tired of everything.

It was you that showed me

The microcosm of what the world

Would be like to me.

A friendless,

Loveless

Fool.

Stupid,

Arrogant,

And ignorant.

Last of all I’m very sorry

For the guilt you must be feeling,

Righteous as it is.

I never wanted you

To feel the way I did.

To feel that the world

Is closing in on you,

Ready to swallow you,

And being unable to do anything about it.

Nothing seems right,

Does it?

Isn’t it all just a blur?

Don’t you just want

To shut yourself off

From the rest of the world

And cry sometimes?

Well so did I.

But I got sick of crying.

Now I cry no more.

Dion…

I was always on your side

Shaun…

It was you that I admired

Tianna…

I wanted to see you grow

Mother…

I saw your pain even if you didn’t know.

If you didn’t see it coming

Then I guess there was nothing you could do.

It was too late anyway,

To stop

My suicide.