This is dedicated to a very special someone. I love her with all my heart. I just wish I could tell her.

How many nights has your smile gotten me through, reminded me of the good in this world? The smile that lights up even the darkest recesses of my soul, warming me. How many times have I replayed your voice over and over in my mind, the honeyed sound and sweet accent the calms me? The only one that can save me from myself is you. And the best part is, you don’t even know it. And that makes me laugh and cry at the same time. A crazy laughter, even as the burning trails of salt travel down my cheeks.

How many times have I slept beside you, your body warming mine, the steady rhythm of your heart soothing my ragged nerves, your even breathing washing over me? How many times have I had to listen to you talk about how cute he is, or how sexy she is. It’s then I want to yell and curse you. Why can’t you see me like that?

If only I had the guts to tell you. I’m a coward though, so cocky in front of others, but it comes to my feelings, I’m afraid. Afraid of things I thought I’d forgotten how to feel. But I’ve come so far. I’d rather be here as your friend than unable to be near you at all. You’ll always see me as the protective older sister. Yeah, you think I’m protective. I think the term is jealousy. But you don’t see it. I wish you would smile at me, they way you smile at her. It drives me crazy. How can you love her?

I’m crazy for thinking this way, it’s wrong, so very wrong. My best friend, my sister in your mind, and yet I can’t stop. Don’t want to stop. Males, they make me feel as though I’m a whore, but you… You aren’t a guy, are you? You make me feel pure and clean, something I most certainly am not. No, I doubt I was ever innocent.

How many times have I cried for you, my silent tears leaving dark spots on my pillow, leaving the salt to dry on my lips? How many times have I said it was because of a guy, lied, for fear of you finding out? I wish you could see past my façade. I guess sometimes I lie too well for my own good. But if you knew, I couldn’t stand it if you didn’t feel the same, especially if you rejected my friendship as well after that.

Every time you put yourself down, I want to take your gorgeous body in my arms, hold you tight against me, and tell you how beautiful I think you are. I want to kiss your amazing lips, that do that damn pout. Why can’t I say no to that pout? You are the most amazing person to me. You saved me. More than once! And you keep on saving me, even though you are unaware. But even as you save me, you slowly murder me. The pain in my heart, like a spike being driven it, twisted, and then pulled back out, in an endless cycle.

She asked me tonight if she should ask you out. I told her no. God, how I didn’t want her to. But then I remembered. I want you to be happy. So I told her to go ahead. I made her promise though, not to hurt you. And she knows that if she does, I will seriously hurt her. Because you are my angel, my light in this dark world.

She says she loves you. I wanted to tell her how much I loved you too, my perfect angel, my goddess, my unattainable dream. Am I forever doomed to worship you from afar? Yes. I’ve come to accept my fate. Because how could someone as magnificent as you, ever love an unholy demon like myself? The scars that mar my skin and the anger in my eyes, the blackness in my very soul would only taint the pureness that is you.

I pray for her own safety that she never harms you, Angel. I know I never would. I’d die before ever hurting you. And if I could, I’d take your pain, every ounce of it, and take it upon myself, so you would never have to suffer. Because I love you.

I just wish you loved me too.

Yeah. I know I’ll get a few flames from this, seeing how I’m a girl and my unattainable dream is a girl. But oh well. Not like I care. The heart is blind to who it loves.