I hate how easy it is for me to be here.

I wish there was somewhere else to be, some place else to go. Somewhere else I would rather be but there isn’t. I’m stuck here, half-way between reality and fantasy wondering where I stand. So, I sit on your expensive sofa waiting for you to return with my glass of expensive red wine, looking around for a million and one things that remind me of her. I don’t know why I bother; I am always reminded of her. No matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing.

I hate how easy it is for me to be here.

My eyes rest comfortably on that photo of you and her. That photo of you and her taken at the high school prom, you haven’t changed much in five years. You still look the same, the same handsome face and dark, soulful eyes, the same hairstyle although a little longer now. I don’t know if she’s changed, I’ve never seen her, never met her. I know her only as that smiling seventeen year old, all blonde hair and blue eyes, a pink satin dress that is more than likely still sitting in the wardrobe upstairs.

“What are you thinking about?”

I look up with a smile and gratefully take my wine, sipping at it elegantly before placing it on the coffee table in front of me. You sit beside me, an arm casually thrown along the back of the sofa, curling around me. I love this feeling, you always look at me with those deep brown eyes and I know exactly where everything fits into place. It’s as if the answers to life, love, the universe and everything lay in your eyes.

“Nothing,”

You smile down at me, I want you to kiss me but you don’t. You always have the power when we are here, we’re playing on your terms, your territory and I am at your mercy. We talk about things that make no difference to our lives; books we’ve read, movies we’ve seen, music we’ve heard, you politely ask about work and I politely answer. We could be mistaken for civilised members of society were it not for the huge, dark secret we are harbouring from everybody who loves us. And then… you ask the question and I know that it is time.

“How’s Andy?”

I smile into my wine and take a long drink from the glass before looking up at you.

“He’s fine,”

You lean down and press your lips lightly against mine. I close my eyes, falling deeper into the void of emotion that swirls around me like a whirlpool. Rushing up around me like a vortex of sound and light. I think I’m falling in love with you, although I would never admit it out loud. To speak it aloud would make it too real and I’m not ready for that yet, I don’t think you ever will be. And once more, my eyes are drawn back to that photograph of you and her. I close my eyes tightly, let you kiss me again. I don’t want to see her perfect smile; I don’t want to remember she exists.

“Let’s go upstairs,”

You take my hand so gently and walk me up the grand spiral staircase; I trail behind you like a puppy dog, being led to where I’m supposed to be. I’ve lain on this bed a million times or more but it still hits me every time I see it, she sleeps here. You sleep here with her. I push her from my mind as we make love in a valley of silk sheets, pushing them up with my fingertips as we move. I wish she didn’t exist. I wish Andy didn’t exist. I wish we had the chance of starting anew. Starting again, just us, just the two of us. It’s a pipe-dream. It will never ever happen.

“Are you okay?”

I nod and cuddle into your side. You put your arm around me and I sigh contently, I wish this was our home instead of just yours. I wish that we could live here like a proper couple. I wish… I wish…