The Bill Collector by Sterfish

Characters:

John Willis
The Bill Collector
Rebecca Willis, John’s Wife
Mrs. Taylor, John’s Mother-in-Law

Setting: The stage is set up so that there are two sides separated, each with a phone on each side. One side is a normal house, the other is an office.

(A woman walks and sits in the office side and picks up the phone. She dials a number, and waits as the phone rings. On the home side a guy walks over and answers the phone)

John: Hello?

Bill Collector: Hi, I’m calling from Money Money Mortgage Corp. Is John Willis there?

John: Umm, hold on. (holds phone) Crap! It’s a bill collector! What am I gonna do? (Thinks for a second) Umm, John isn’t home right now, can I take a message.

Bill Collector: No, that’s okay. I’ll call him later. Thank you. (hangs up phone)

John: Whew! I’m glad that worked!

(John’s wife walks in)

Rebecca: Sweetie who was that?

John: Just a bill collector.

Rebecca: Okay. I’m going to start dinner. Could you answer the phone for me? I’m expecting a call in a few minutes from my mother.

John: Okay.

(Rebecca leaves. John waits a while. Bill Collector picks up phone and dials number. Phone rings in home)

John: It’s probably Becca’s mother. (picks up the phone) Hello, Mrs. Taylor, how are you?

Bill Collector: I’m sorry, this isn’t Mrs. Taylor. I’m a representative from Money Money Mortgage Corp. Mr. John Willis owes us two hundred and fifty dollars on an unpaid loan...

John: Damn!! (hangs up phone)

(Bill Collector looks surprised, then smiles deviously.)

Bill Collector: Now I’ve got him!

(Bill Collector picks up phone and dials again)

Rebecca (offstage): Was that my mom?

John (a little nervous): Nope.

Rebecca (offstage): Okay then.

(John’s phone rings and he picks it up)

John: Hello?

Bill Collector: Mr. Willis, this is Money Money Mortgage Corp.

John: I’m not Mr. Willis.

Bill Collector (sarcastically): Okay, then who are you?

John: I’m...umm...I’m...Damn! (hangs up phone quickly) (loud) Damnit!

Rebecca (offstage): Who was that?

John: Umm, uhh, bill collector.

Rebecca (offstage): Again? Hmm. Okay.

(Bill Collector dials number again and John’s phone rings.)

John: What am I going to do? It could be that woman again! I won’t answer, I won’t!

(Phone keeps ringing. Bill Collector has a devious smirk on her face)

Rebecca (offstage): Sweetie could you please answer that phone?

(John pretends not to hear her)

Rebecca (offstage): John! Answer the phone!

John (reluctantly): Okay! (to himself) Why couldn’t we have caller ID? (picks up phone) Hello?

Bill Collector: Mr. Willis, this is Money Money Mortgage Corp.

John: Que?

Bill Collector: Excuse me?

John (speaking in broken Spanish): No, no habla ingles.

Bill Collector (in perfect Spanish): Donde esta John Willis?

(John hangs up phone)

Rebecca (offstage): Was that my mother?

John (upset): No!

Rebecca (offstage): Are you alright?

John (nervous): Yeah.

Rebecca (offstage, critical): Okay.

(Bill Collector picks up phone and dials number again. Phone rings. John looks at it in fear and picks it up)

John: Hello?

Bill Collector: Now you know good and well not to try to avoid me using Spanish. Half the people I call are Latinos. Now, Mr. Willis, about the two hundred fifty...

John: You are an evil, evil woman! Just pure and unadulterated evil!

Bill Collector: All you have to do is pay us the money and we’ll go away.

John: Hell no! (hangs up phone. As soon as he does, the phone rings and he picks it up) Stop calling me you nasty, disrespectful, evil, witch! Don’t make me come down there and beat your...(pauses)

Mrs. Taylor (on the phone): John! My word! What’s wrong with you? You don’t talk to your mother-in-law like that...

John: Sorry, Mrs. Taylor. I thought you were somebody else. Hold on, I’ll let you talk to Becca. (to Becca) Becca, Telephone!! (pause)

Rebecca (offstage): I got the cordless!

John: Okay. (hangs up phone)

(Bill Collector dials number and gets busy signal)

Bill Collector: Alright, if you wanna play hardball. (Dials a different number.)

(John looks down and feels his pager)

John: Who’s paging me? (Gets pager, looks at number.) I don’t recognize it. I guess I’ll call whoever back on the cell. (Reaches in pocket, gets cell phone and calls number. Phone rings)

Bill Collector (enthusiastic): Mr. Willis! Hello! Ready to negotiate paying off what you owe to Money Money Mortgage Corp...

John (mad and surprised): How the hell did you get my pager number.

Bill Collector: Here’s a tip...never throw away old address books.

John(extremely pissed): Look. How many times must I tell you. I cannot pay you the money! Do not even attempt to contact me again. When I get the money, I’ll contact you. If you so much as...

Bill Collector: Fine, I won’t call again (Bill Collector leaves office)

John (surprised): What?

Bill Collector: Please contact us when you get the ability to pay the bill. Good day. (hangs up)

John (relieved): Wow. Cool.

(Rebecca walks in)

Rebecca: John, I just got off the phone with my mother. She said you accidentally insulted her calling her all sorts of names thinking she was somebody else. Tell me, who called those times before my mother?

John: A bill collector from Money Money Mortgage Corp. I owe them two hundred and fifty bucks.

Rebecca: A bill collector calling all those times for two hundred and fifty bucks? (pause) No bill collector would call that much. Are you lying to me?

John: No! Of course not!

Rebecca: Are you cheating on me? Is that why you have that cell phone in your hand?

John (looks at phone for a sec): No! The bill collector paged me.

Rebecca: How could the bill collector page you? Look..(interrupted by doorbell) Hold on, I’ll get that door.

(Rebecca goes to answer door. She walks back and looks very mad)

Rebecca: That’s it, I’m leaving you!

John (surprised): What?

Rebecca: First you lie to me and claim a bill collector was calling you, even as I caught you red-handed and now you invite the tramp over the house? While I’m here? You bastard! (leaves house)

John: Invite who over? What? Becca! Wait!! (Bill Collector walks in)

Bill Collector: Hi, Mr. Willis. It’s the pure and unadulterated evil bill collector. Now about the money you owe...

John: Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! You, you, you, you, you...oh...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! (Runs away)

Bill Collector: Oh, you can run, but you can’t hide, Mr. Willis. (walks off stage)

END SKETCH