A/N: Sorry again for the long wait. Blame it on history, and ten points to anyone who can find all the allusions to (gasp) HISTORY!

Dallas

“I don’t really like being a commie,” Sider muttered as we walked past some more of the ‘Don’t Vote for Sider ‘cos he’s a gay, Ken-doll-loving Commie’ posters. Amazingly enough, Shawn got them out approximately an hour after his fortunate (our unfortunate) encounter with Siri. I had to commend Shawn for his efforts though. Very quick and sharp boy, he is. However, anyone can tell it was Sider who would be winning this election!

“You’re not a gay commie,” I exclaimed, tearing down some computer manipulated posters of Sider holding a Ken doll and wearing a Soviet flag tutu. He had this very pleasant, wide-eyed scared expression. Most likely from one of those random-out-of-the-blue-photo-shots Shawn does on him every so often now. Siri snickered unhelpfully beside me. “Shut up, Siri! You’re the one who got us into this bloody thick mess!” She continued laughing…and laughing… Oy, it is amazing how much this lass could laugh over…well, nothing. She could be such an airhead sometimes. She has a creative mind, but all creative minds are idiots! It’s a rule of biology or physics or something. Or kind of like Darwinism…only the biggest nuts survive (which must be the case of our housemates). But I am anyway honored to be among the elite group of whackos.

Even if they lack common sense (like Siri). And are easily influenced by drugs (like Siri).

“I think I should give up,” Sider sighed unhappily, then slumped his forehead against the wall.

“NO!” I said immediately, grabbing him back. I was afraid he was going to start his unhealthy rock show against the wall again. Siri was still giggling madly. “You can’t drop out now! Elections are only a week away!”

“I’m going to be dead within a week,” Sider groaned.

“Psshaaaw! We just need to start our own anti-Shawn campaign, aye?” I chirped cheerily, leading the group down another hallway as we continued to rip down more Sider the communist posters. So far I think we’ve ripped down at least a hundred.

“How do we do that though?” Meryl asked. “Shawn has nothing on him.”

“Well, what about all the stupid stuff he does?” I suggested.

“The problem is he takes pride in doing those stupid things,” Meryl replied briskly. Oh, well that could be a problem.

“We just have to make something up then!” I declared.

“And chance getting expelled?” Sider asked with his eyebrows raised.

“Sure! All for a good campaign! It’ll be worth it! We’ll die fighting to our ends! Just like the Japanese at Pearl Harbor!” I exclaimed enthusiastically. I am so the driving positive force of this campaign. Gosh, all the negativity! It makes me feel so…not warm and fuzzy.

“I don’t like that idea,” Sider replied.

“Me neither,” Meryl agreed.

“Siri?” I asked.

“HAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!”

“I think that’s a ‘yes.’ Well, our votes count more since we’re the campaign mangers anyhow, so we’re going to run negative campaign ads! Hooray!”

“No, we’re not!”

“So what are we going to do then?”

“HAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAHAA!!! I didn’t know getting kidnapped would be so rewarding!” Siri giggled at the posters.

Oh, hey, I think I feel an idea coming.

---

“WHAT?! HELL NO I’M NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING!” Frank tried struggling out of our grasps as we shoved him into a chair, then proceeded to tie him down with our school jackets and sweaters and junk. Surprisingly it worked quite well, though we left him looking like a mummy…

“We’ll make a deal with you,” Meryl said quickly.

Frank’s ears perked up immediately, “Deal?”

“Yeah, we’ll give you Jigglypuff!” Siri giggled.

“What kind of flipping deal is that?” Frank demanded. Oy…

“We’ll give you money!” I said quickly.

“How much money?”

“Uuuh.” I reached into my pocket and found a penny. Siri reached into hers and found a couple of dollars. Meryl pulled out two also. And Sider pulled out…OH GREAT MOTHER OF PEANUT BUTTER; SIDER PULLED OUT A FIFTY!

“Why do you have that in your pocket?!” I stared at the crisp bill in his hand. Sider shrugged. Wow, you could definitely tell his parents loved him! I wish I was loved…

“Sweet! I get fifty bucks?” Frank asked.

“Um,” Sider shuffled his feet, blushed then muttered something under his breath. “I need to pay for my textbook.”

“Nonsense Sider! You need to pay Frank for his services as our source of blackmail,” I interjected quickly, then turned to Frank. “So now, what do you know about Shawny the scrawny boy?”

“Wait, how do I know you’re going to give that to me?!” Frank demanded quickly.

“Because no one is going to let you out of this room until Monday if you don’t comply with us!” I snapped.

“So?” Frank answered defiantly.

“Uh.” I was stumped.

Thankfully Sider finally thought of helping. He’s such a neat kid sometimes. A very neat, attractive boy. A very neat, attractive and smart boy! A very neat and attractive boy I wouldn’t mind… ahem, anyway. He shoved his fifty back into his pocket and then stared at Frank with this intense stare. Oy, I hope he really isn’t gay. That would be a great disappointment.

“You know what Frank?” Sider said. “You owe me. I save your butt by letting you copy my math homework every day.”

“So what? Then I can find someone else to copy from!”

“I know stuff about you, Frank.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Like how you still play Yu-Gi-Oh with that Magic nerd?” Sider suggested.

“HAAHAHAAHAHA!” Siri started cracking up immediately. “You play with Yu-Gi-Oh cards? Even I’m not that big of a loser!” Or so she says…

“IT’S NOT TRUE!” Frank struggled around his seat.

“‘Frank plays with Yu-Gi-Oh cards’ poster versus a ‘Don’t Vote for Shawn because of something very important you’re about to tell us’ poster; which one sounds better, Frank?” Meryl asked.

“Oh, definitely that last one,” Frank answered quickly.

“So, what do you know about Shawn?”

“Well…” Frank paused. “I don’t know anything interesting, except for of course how Shawn is madly in love with that magic nerd.”

“WHAT?!” we all exclaimed.

“I’ve seen Shawn jumping on the magic nerd before, but I didn’t think he was in LOVE with him!” I said dazedly. “That totally ruins his reputation as the conservative!” Suddenly everything was ten times happier…like a slushee on a nice sunny day…or while it’s raining. It was like having slushee with you everywhere you went at anytime of the year! CHRISTMAS HAD COME EARLY! HALLELUJAH I LOVE SLUSHEES!!!

“Yeah, well, why else would he jump on him?” Frank demanded.

“Because they were playing football?” Siri suggested.

“They were playing football,” Frank repeated sarcastically. “I can’t believe you guys haven’t figured that out yet!”

“Wait, did Shawn tell you he was gay?” Meryl asked.

“No? But come on! I’m dumb, and even I can figure out Shawn’s gay!” Frank exclaimed.

We all stared at Frank in silence (probably stunned by our own stupidity and inattentiveness). Shawn the conservative-republican-wanna-be was GAY! It ruined his whole position as a conservative. And although our Art School was overwhelmingly liberal, his inconsistency with his political beliefs would make all those people who thought he was at least competent for the job turn away from him!

“But if it’s not true…” Sider started.

“Oh loosen up Sider!” I coaxed him. “Don’t you want to get him back for his Sider-the-gay-commie posters? Those weren’t true either, aye?”

“Yeah, but…”

“Don’t you want revenge for his calls that have turned you into an insomniac?” I demanded.

“Sider is a Jedi! He doesn’t seek revenge for his enemies! Only justice!” Siri chirped.

“Justice by making ‘Shawn’s Gay’ posters!” I retorted.

“I’m going to make a will,” Sider mumbled then ambled tiredly out of the classroom.

“Do we have any pictures of Shawn doing anything to the Magic Nerd?” I quickly asked.

“I have some stuff at home,” said Siri.

“I bet we could look through the yearbook picture stock,” Meryl added.

“Excellent! We can make a collage!”

---

The next morning we had collages of Shawn with the Magic nerd all over the school. In some pictures, Shawn was choking him and in others he had his arm all-buddy-buddy-like around him. We even found one with Shawn gazing deeply into his eyes. And then in the center of the collage was (in bright red letters with hearts substituted everywhere for letters): “Is it Abuse or Affection? Vote Shawn and Magic Nerd for Best Couple of the Year!”

I had just gotten the last poster up when Sider walked over to me, fuming.

“What are you doing?” Sider whispered fiercely.

“Increasing your chances of getting elected?” I suggested.

“Shawn’s going to kill me!” Sider said, still keeping the same low, angry tone.

“We’ll get Claude and Jack to protect you or something!”

“You don’t understand! He is going to kill me, as in my life and my existence on this very sad world is going to end today!” Sider said, tearing down the poster I had just hung up.

“No he won’t!” I protested, trying to get the poster back. “He’s your friend!”

“He’s an angry little child who has a shrink!” Sider exclaimed. “In fact, his parents specifically went to this shrink because he was a wrestling champion.”

“You’re so funny,” I laughed. “Now, STOP IT!” I yanked the poster back.

“Why do you hate me?” he pleaded. “Why does the world hate me?”

“Now you’re just being a big unreasonable baby. BE A MAN!”

“I’m fifteen,” Sider replied dryly, “and that boy has a million weapons hanging in his house!”

“Pshaaaww, there were fifteen-year-olds fighting in World War I!”

“That’s like almost a hundred years ago when people only lived to the age of forty! Why do you want me dead? I thought you were my friend!” Sider burst.

“How hard is it to hide from him for a day, laddy? If you’re so scared, I mean.”

“The problem is he’s going to be tracking me down,” Sider replied sullenly.

Suddenly we heard something that sounded like someone was running furiously down the hall in the distance. Following the furious footsteps were some screams and some people praying out loud. My mouth dropped open temporarily and Sider gave me an “I told you so” look, then started sprinting away from the footsteps.

I could kinda understand running away from Lionel on the soccer field, who was tall and had a quite sturdy build, but I could not comprehend the boy running away from someone who was 1) shorter than him and 2) skinny as a stick.

Of course then, after Sider disappeared around the corner, I understood. A second later, something sticklike came up behind me, wrapped its hands around my neck and proceeded to strangle me. Oh yeah, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

I tried desperately to pry his fingers off. I made a little progress, but not really enough to be called successful at all.

“WHERE IS HE?! He was just here! I heard him!” Shawn tightened his grip.

“I…can’t….talk…let…me…GO-gag!” I tried to talk. Finally after a few seconds, the dumb boy understood and let go of my poor neck.

“Well, where is he?” Shawn demanded.

“He decided to ditch school for the day,” I lied quickly. “You know, to avoid you and all? I think he’s at the park.” Know what would suck? If Sider did ditch school and go to the park. Before I could exaggerate anymore, that idiot of a boy was off running again and wrecking more havoc in the school.

I rubbed my neck gingerly and wondered if Sider would be able to avoid that evil spawn of the devil.

---

It was nine ‘o clock, already dark and definitely past Sider’s bedtime. And the worst part was…he never got back from school. So Siri and I definitely should have organized a search party and started looking for him a few hours ago, since it was kind of our responsibility to protect him from the opposing party as campaign managers. But Siri was having too much fun with her homework and the history channel had a special on World War II, so I just absolutely couldn’t miss it. So Sider was basically forgotten and defenseless for the night. But the nice thing was that there weren’t anymore annoying calls for awhile and everyone seemed so much nicer because of that. Claude gave me his piece of bread and that British girl didn’t make any snide remarks about anyone! It was amazing. The cost of our peace was soon to arrive though.

The telephone rang and instead of ignoring it as usual, I picked it up. Yes, I admit my guard was just that low.

“Hello!” I answered cheerily.

“Did he get home yet?” a voice asked gruffly.

“Who?”

“The Norwegian.”

“Oh him!” I exclaimed. “Nope,” I paused. “Shawn, what did you do to him?”

“Nothing.”

“Shawn.”

“I swear! I didn’t do anything!” he declared.

“Well, okay then,” I said slowly. “Night!”

Then as soon as I put down the phone, Sider came in, looking the most tired he had ever been in the past couple of weeks. His hair was tousled, he had leaves sticking to him everywhere and he also had a ring of poofy purple-ness around one of his eyes.

“Hey it’s Sider! And he has a black eye!” Ewan poked his head around the corner and looked at Sider. “Oh, poor Sider! Who did this to you?” Ewan would be a good mother, I decided. He put an arm around Sider and led him to the couch. Siri started snickering madly.

Sider blushed, “The door slammed into my face.”

“Shawn never got you?” I asked. He shook his head.

“Let me get you some ice!” Lydia got up and rushed towards the kitchen.

“How did a door do that to you, clumsy oaf?!” Claude smirked at Sider. Sider shrugged, growing redder.

“So where were you this whole time?” I asked.

“I was on the roof,” Sider said simply.

“The school roof?!”

“Yeah, and then I ended up locking myself up there.”

“Ha, ha! Idiot!” Claude laughed heartily.

“Shut up, you!” I glared at Claude.

“Have you learned your lesson yet, mon copain?” Claude barked, getting a mad look in his eye. “NEVER RUN FOR THESE OFFICE POSITIONS!! Because you know what? There will always be some whacko like Shawn who will make your life a living hell. I swear it to you!”

“Uh huh,” I tried to fake a thoughtful look. “Are you done trying to dash away this lad’s hopes?”

“He’s done,” Sider answered for Claude. “I’m quitting right now. And afterwards I’m going to call Shawn and tell him he won.”

“NO!” I yelled then locked myself to his feet. “You are not going to quit!”

“I’m glad you’ve finally come to your senses, Sider.” Claude gave Sider a big pat. “I wish you would have realized your stupidity in running much earlier though. It would’ve spared us from all those midnight calls.”

“Heehee, that sounded kinky,” I giggled. Everyone stared at me. I didn’t like being stared at like that. “What?!”

“You’re clutching his legs,” Claude spat.

“That I am,” I responded.

“Will you stop so I can go save myself?” Sider begged.

“By confessing your sins to Father Shawn?” I asked.

“I’m going to die!” Sider exclaimed.

“Five more days and it will all be over!” I stated.

Sider shook his head. “There’s no solution for this except for me to quit! If I get into office, he will make the rest of my time here a living hell!”

“Five more days and then you can focus your energies into submitting a stalking complaint to the school or city or something!”

“I am going to die!” Sider tried shaking me off as he trudged up the stairs slowly.

“He wouldn’t dare kill you with me on your leg!”

“What?” Sider asked shocked.

“That’s right! You’re going to be stuck with me until you get elected.”

“Isn’t that a big extreme?”

“No?”

Sider stared at me for a second, then started yelling more than I ever heard him yell before. “RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!” Sider screamed loudly (in a slightly monotone manner).

“What?!” Lydia’s head poked around the corner.

“Sweet!” Jack suddenly appeared also.

“What now?” Jane was at the top of the stairway, tapping her feet and rolling her eyes.

“I’m not raping him!” I declared.

“Get her off me! Get her off me!” Sider whined like a four-year-old.

“Dallas dear,” Jane simpered. “Get off him so he’ll stop yelling. If you haven’t noticed, some of us have been TRYING TO GET TO SLEEP!”

“Use the force, Sider!” Jack made a hand motion. “You will get off of the Norwegian!”

“Oh come on now!” Lydia threw up her hands. “If you all vould only take psychology 101. This is merely Dallas trying to express her care for Sider! We shouldn’t be interfering!”

“But I’m tired and I want to go to bed! And she won’t let me!” Sider protested.

“That’s only because you’re going to quit!” I argued back.

“I suppose ve need some external help then! I can help!” Lydia declared. “Sider, you vill not quit the election because it is a good experience for you!”

“WHAT?!” Sider’s mouth dropped open.

“And Dallas you vill get off of Sider and let him rest!” Lydia continued.

“No way!”

“You vill get off of Sider’s legs!”

“Make me!”

“Jack, get her off Sider!”

“But…but… she bites!” Jack complained.

“FINE! I vill do it myself!” Lydia slapped my hands more forcefully than I thought she could ever manage with her little petite self.

“OW!” I yelped, finally letting go of Sider. Sider immediately took off up the stairs.

“And remember Sider, NO QUITTING! Or else I will let Dallas cling to you as much as she wants!” Lydia screeched, then turned to me again, while adjusting her glasses. “And just to see vhat Sider goes through, I think you should answer those calls vrom Shawn now on.”

“Er…sure?”

“Good!” Lydia clapped her hands then trotted off towards the kitchen. “I deserve an ice cream.”

---

A million phone calls from Shawn, too many cans of soda and five days later, Sider had regained most of his sanity and I was tired, but still in good spirits. In only five minutes speeches would be given and two hours later, we would find out who won the election.

“We made two speeches for you to choose from!” Siri waved two index card bundles in front of Sider. “I was supposed to prepare the speech, but Dallas said mine was stupid and wrote her own that she thought would win the election. I personally think mine is better because I put Pokemon in it.” Sider took both and immediately discarded the one Siri wrote in a trash bin. “BUT IT HAS POKEMON IN IT!” Siri protested. He began flipping through mine and then in less than two seconds later, also discarded that into the trash bin.

“What the bloody hell are you going to say then? Your speech is up next!” I demanded.

“I have plenty of stuff to say,” said Sider.

“I think that’s the first time you’ve ever said something like that,” I responded nervously.

“Heehee, he’s probably going to say something like ‘I’ll make your wildest dreams come true!’ like that one kid in that one movie!” Siri giggled.

“AND I PROMISE WE WILL HAVE MOOSES!” the Magic nerd finished his speech and left the crowd roaring in applause.

“And our next candidate is Sider Benyettes!” the principal announced, then motioned for him to come forward. Sider sighed heavily then trudged out towards the podium.

“I bet they’re going to laugh at him! He has such a funny accent!” Siri laughed.

“You have a funny accent.” I rolled my eyes.

“Well so do you!”

“Ssshhhh!”

“So,” Sider started. His voice echoed through the auditorium. “I guess you’re wondering why you should elect me for student body president. Well,” Sider paused. “I really like this school and I think that there are many things that could be improved also. I have an ability to see the little cracks and minor imperfections and…”

“Wow, you’ve just lost this election,” I muttered.

“Well, this is a great school,” Sider finished, then leaned into the microphone again, “I’m done.” The microphone did one of those awkward squeaky things and everyone groaned, but eventually gave Sider some applause. Pity applause… Sider didn’t look at me as he came off the stage.

“And now, we will have a speech from Shawn Treewaters!”

Shawn walked out relaxed and smiling, then made a cheesy gesture of straightening his tie before stepping up to the microphone.

“HI!” Shawn yelled into the microphone. “Know why you should vote for me?!”

“WHY?!” the crowd asked enthusiastically.

“BECAUSE!” Shawn motioned to someone in the light booth. A slide came up with Sider holding a teddy bear (clearly computer manipulated). “Number One: your other candidate Sider? He still sleeps with his teddy bear!” A chorus of “aws” came from the girls in the audience. I slapped my forehead, then started pacing around. Sider next to me was awestruck and horrified. Siri was laughing her butt off.

“It can’t get any worst,” I muttered.

“Don’t say that!” Sider said fearfully.

“NUMBER TWO!” Shawn yelled. A picture of a cabin appeared. “He has REAL-ESTATE TROUBLE!” A clamor of laughs filled the auditorium.

“AND LASTLY!” Another slide of the teddy bear came up. “HE’S CHEATING ON HIS IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND WITH HIS TEDDY BEAR!” The whole class was in tears from laughing now. The principal came out, took Shawn by the hand and started scolding him.

“We need to fix this!” I tore out a piece of paper from my notebook, then quickly began scribbling down a rebuttal speech. “HERE!” I shoved the piece of paper into Sider’s hands and pushed him out onto the stage. “READ THAT!”

Sider stared back like a deer caught in the headlights.

“GO!!!”

Again, he slowly trudged to the podium, then read the piece of paper aloud.

“Here are a few reasons why you shouldn’t vote for Shawn,” Sider squinted at my messy handwriting. “Number 1: He doesn’t even have the courage to admit his love for Magic boy. Number 2: everyone either hates him or is terrified of him.” Everyone giggled softly, as if they were scared the little bastard would appear at any moment and kill them all.

“Shawn is a little scrawny stick that would serve our school better as a flagpole.”

The auditorium erupted in laughter. And in less than two seconds later, Shawn was out on the stage again, with Sider in a headlock. Sider hadn’t expected this move at all and immediately collapsed onto the floor, choking like a fish and trying to wrench Shawn’s hands off his neck. Several administrators got on the stage and tried to break up the fight before Sider got killed.

“Oops,” I blushed, then grinned sheepishly.

The principal got to the podium. “Shawn and Sider, you are disqualified for malicious behavior. So therefore, the only candidate left to vote for is Cory Krempough!” the principal said breathlessly. “Cory, please come up here to take your oath as the class president!” The crowd cheered and Shawn and Sider were still onstage battling it out.

“I told you the Magic nerd would win!” Siri stuck her tongue at me. “I told you! I told you!”