"Incredible!" shouted Dr. Ashford, adjusting his thick glasses with one hand and balancing his torch in the other, "Simply astounding!"

"You gonna open this tomb or just stand there all day saying how amazing it is. Cuz if it's the second one, I'm gonna go get a soda," grunted Frank, the large muscle-bound man that always seem to be around during big archeological discoveries.

"Yes, of course, we'll have to open it someday I suppose. . ." the doctor fingered the heiroglyphics adorning the towering stone door. "Now, use the utmost care, we need to preserve- -"

Frank immediately crammed his crowbar into a tiny crack between the door and the wall and jerked it outward. The door split into two pieces and smashed into the ground, most of it disintegrating on impact. "How was that?"

There was a thud as Dr. Ashford hit the stone floor.

Thirty minutes later Ashford began regaining consciousness. He groaned and pushed himself up on his elbows, fully expecting to be at home rather than in an ancient Egyptian tomb that up until that day had been totally unviolated.

"'Bout time," sneered Frank, "C'mon we got work to do."

"Why I even bother bringing you I can't imagine!"

Frank, Ashford and their heretofore unmentioned crew of Egyptian natives proceeded into the newly opened crypt, brushing the dust of the sacred door off their boots. Dr. Ashford stopped in front of the sarcophagus and dropped to his knees in almost orgasmic pleasure. Not wanting to wait for him to take his sweet time yet again, Frank pushed Ashford out of his way and proceeded to open the casket.

A few minutes later the final in a series of what seemed like a thousand lids was removed, and the group was staring into the decomposed face of a mummy. Suddenly, much to the absolute horror of everyone present, the mummy twitched. Dr. Ashford jumped backward a few feet, dropping his torch by his feet. The mummy stirred, and stood shakily to its feet, brushing some of the accumulated dust off of his wraps. Abbot and Costello screamed and bolted from the cave. Ashford was frozen in shock, Frank had a look on his face like he'd been expecting this all along.

"Man," the mummy groaned, "It was getting' hot in there. Anyone got a can or somethin'? I gotta piss like a race horse."

Ashford fainted again. The mummy blinked its nonexistant eyes and looked at his unconscious form. "What's with him?"

"He's a little. . . easily shocked."

"Ah. You got some food on ya? Seems like a couple thousand years since my last good meal."

***

"HA HA HA HA ooh man that Mr. Bean! He cracks me up!" howled the mummy, reclining in an armchair with his skeletal feet on the ottoman.

In the next room, Dr. Ashford spoke in a hushed voice to Frank and his associate Dr. Miller.

"He's been laughing like that for three days, he's eaten all my food, he smells awful, and I'm fairly certain he sacrificed my scottish terrier to Ra. I don't care what happens, I want that thing out of my apartment."

"I'll go get my shotgun," Frank stood, but was stopped by Dr. Miller.

"Wait. . . I think I have an idea that could get rid of that thing and make us very rich."

***

Next time on the Real World. . .

"Mummy!" shouted Catherine, "Did you just drink directly from the carton!?"

"Yeah, what are you gonna do about it byotch!?"