The arguments were still happening now more vulgar than before. Now my mother actually swore in front of us. Something we had always been told against. I was locked in my room, lying on my bed. Suicide seemed like a good idea now. As soon as I hit my bed, my body began wracking with tears. I looked in to the corner of my room, my mind was racing with ideas. Talk about mood swings. Every time I thought of something good my wind turner in the corner turn to the right but when I was not thinking at all it was immobile and when I was thinking of suicide and other depressing thoughts it turned to the left. Strange, I doubted it would ever happen again. People and events were flashing in my head. My best guy friend at school Tyler, did he really have a girlfriend why was I attracted to him, The wind turner turned to the left. Tyler is so funny. to the right. everything is so screwed up. to the left.

"what is it I need to do?" I sobbed . I wanted to talk to god. But what if he didn't listen. what if he didn't want to. I had always made a point of hating god. or anything to do with religion. Why would he help me now. I cried more.

"God!!!" I muttered. Not sure whether that would count as addressing him. Hoping it would, but also hoping it wouldn't seem like I wanted to talk to him. Maybe I would sound like a skitso. But at least people wouldn't think I believed in god. Yet I was hoping he was looking down on me. "What do I do? What is my point in life? Why am I here? What can I do to help other people? I need to stop being so selfish!!!" Maybe I had no point. Maybe this was a life before life. I heard people talk about life after death, so the must be something before life, Right? Maybe this was all fake, a con to see if we could handel the real world. if it was? What would the real world be like? Could it be like the Matrix? Or something completely different?

"I need a sign." I remembered in a magazine a girl had asked for a sign of who her ex boyfriend had cheated on her for. And she had gotten one. Perhaps I would find out what it was. My body was still shaking with tears when the doorbell rang. My little sister, Makayla, was still upstairs arguing with my mom. So I went down stairs I could feel the tears still on my cheeks so I wiped my cheeks with the sleeve of my navy blue sweater, (I had been picking away at the arm of the sleeve for quiet some time. And there was a whole in the pocket where some mice had eaten through it when I left it at my friends' cottage for a month, I had left some cookies in the pocket. Unluckily for me the mouse found my sweater before I did. It was definitely my favorite sweater)

I opened the door and found Tyler standing there. He was in the shadow, I had forgotten to put on the porch lights. But I could see his chestnut hair. One wavy strand was hanging in front of his eyes. But he blew it away with his breath.

"Hey" He said. Oh god, his voice was sexy. Deep and soft. I often imagine it whispering in my ear as his lips traveled up my neck. I could almost feel his soft lips caressing mine.

"Hi!!!" I said. Giving him a hug. Realizing what I was doing I quickly towards the road, where I imagined his dad had dropped him off. His dad had already driven away. If his dad saw me hug him. I don't know what he would do. and I'm not sure I wanted to find out.

"Come in!" I smiled at him. I turned around and motioned with my hand. I had already gotten cold and I was only outside for a couple of seconds. In the front hall I turned around. And looked him straight in the face. I could hear my mom and Makayla fighting upstairs and only hoped HE couldn't. Mainly it was me who fought with them the most. But occasionally, they had to do their share.

"Noelle, are you OK?" He asked. He raised his hand to just underneath my eye, and wiped away the remnants of my tears. DAMN!!! I thought, I CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS TO HIM, NOT YET. WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER WELL ENOUGH YET. HE'LL THINK I'M SOME SAPPY CHICK AND NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN.

"mmmhhh, uh ya." I said uncomfortably shifting my weight for one foot to the other. "ya. Why do you ask?" I continued trying to seem clueless.

It didn't work. He knew me to well.

"Hmmm lets see." He said in mock seriousness. "You're incredibly tense. You aren't answering my questions, and you were crying."

Damn him! Why did he have to know me so well? How did he know me so well?

"Come" He said. He put his arm around my shoulder, as only a friend can do and guided me to our living room.

It was a mess. Things were strewn everywhere. Coats, homework. (Especially mine.) I was really embarrassed. My mom had told me to clean this up today. Moms know best.

He sat down on the sofa and I plopped down next to him, one leg was draped over the front of the couch one lay casually in front of me.

I was trying to come up with a reason to why I had been crying. Then it came to me. Perfect. "I was watching a chick flick. You know how emotional I get when it's my time of the month"

That shut him up. Heh heh. It always worked. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before. When he was leading me into our living room. then at least he wouldn't have a reason to think I was lying. And he couldn't have thought I was trying to come up with a reason

"Which one?" He asked raising his eyebrows into his hair line. Which drew my attention to his beautiful hair, it was so shinny, but not a greasy shine, the kind of shine you get from using the right conditioner, I could only imagine what it felt like to run my fingers through his hair.

"Don't do that. It'll give you wrinkles." I told him. I knew I had to answer his question. Or he would know I was lying. He was good at catching me in my spidery web of spun tales, tales I had spun quickly and carelessly. I had to be swift at spinning good tales to stay in the game.

"Save the Last Dance" I said casually, "That part after the ballet always gets to me."

Well it was true, that part did always make me cry, and he knew it. I had made him watch it with me twice. And I had cried both times.

"Oh." He said. He had bought it. SCORE 1-0 FOR NOELLE!!!

"I was just at the part where Derek lets Sarah off at her house. Do you want to come up and join me?" DAMN IT!!! Why had I asked that? The movie wasn't even here!!! I had lent it to Sharon! It was her favorite movie. (Sharon is by the way one of my best buds)

"No. That's OK." He replied slowly. I almost sighed in relief but caught my self just in time. Now THAT would have been obvious. "I came to talk to you. Not watch your shell break up over some stupid movie." He teased.

I punched him playfully. "It's not a stupid movie." I told him pretending to be pissed. But he was right. (not about the stupid movie part, but about my shell) The one thing I had learnt from my father was NEVER to cry in front of people. and Tyler was the only guy I had ever cried in front of. The only other people who had seen me cry were my family and some of my friends. I remember once at school, some jackass had said something and it upset me. I ran to the bathroom so no one would see me cry.

He grinned and punched me back lightly.

"So. Sup" he asked casually.

"That's my conversation starter!!! Stop stealing everything I say." I smiled trying to hide a laugh.

"Not that it ever works!" he teased. Followed my a snort, he was trying to hide HIS smile.

"Once again Ty, that's what I do." I told him shaking my head as my smile grew. One time I had snorted in class. And he had never let me live it down. I don't think he ever would. Since we started hanging around each other about a month ago. We had be taking after each others' habits.

"Oh, what's-it-called." Tyler teased. It always used to piss me of when he said that, now I just pretended.

I sighed in mock exasperation. And rolled my eyes

We just sat there smiling at each other for what seemed like forever. And truth fully I wish it had been. But just then we were interrupted my older sister, Elisha, and her boyfriend, John, falling through the door. Their lips were locked in a passionate kiss. They stumbled up the steps to her bedroom and slammed the door.

I could feel the color rising in my face. I knew right about then I was probably nearing the shade beet red.

Tyler chuckled.

"Fine example she's setting for her kid sister" he laughed.

"Screw you." I said, only half joking. But still smiling. I loved it when he teased me. "You're only 6 months older than me."

"Only." He said smiling. He knew he could hold it over my head. And trust me he never missed a chance to.

Once again we said nothing. And I could hear my sister's passionate moans upstairs and my face turned a couple shades darker.

"Uh. OK. Ya." I said to fill in space. Hoping he didn't notice how much fun my sister was probably having upstairs. But judging by the smile on his face. (and the volume of my sister's groans) I'd say he heard her pretty damn well.

I put my hand underneath the couch cushion searching for the control to the CD player. I found it next to some sticky substance. (Which I was worried could be, uh never mind, I'll just leave out what it could be. Knowing Elisha, it could be something you don't want to hear me say.) I pulled it out and quickly pressed the ON button.

Any music would do to cover the sound of my older sister having a little fun. (Luckily enough, my mom hadn't left one of the CDs she did yoga to in there with the whole wind-instrument-exotic-lets find-our-special- place-music.) It was one of my CDs The Red Hot Chilly Peppers. Which reminded me. . .

"Have you listened to my CD yet?" I asked curiously. Sort of already knowing the answer

"No." he answered casually like he had every time I has asked him the question this week.

"You've had it for a week and you're saying you haven't listened to it yet?"

"No. I haven't but I'll listen to it tonight. I have nothing to do. So you can count on it." He said

"I've been talking to Sasha." He continued.

AGAIN WITH THE GIRLFRIEND!!!!! My muscles tightened. I half hoped he noticed how uncomfortable I became whenever her mentioned his girlfriend. I had never met her. but I was sure I deserved Tyler more than she did. Honestly.

"Oh??" I asked trying to sound falsely pleasant. I wanted to give my voice some bite to let him know how much I hated the girl. But obviously I didn't do a good job. "Did you say hi for me."

"No" he replied just as casually as he always did.

"You know Ty, People would think you're ashamed to be my friend." I told him raising my eyebrows so he would know I was joking.

"Never would he hear me say such a thing!!" he gasped trying to sound shocked, and he did a good job. He sounded like a guy from some old movie.

I knew he was joking around but at the same time telling the truth. I knew he loved spending time with me. I knew I intrigued him. But not enough. No. He still had a girlfriend and that I would have to take care of. (But I don't want you to think of me in the wrong way. Oh no. I'm not the kind of person who breaks up people who she knew were a good fit. No.) The reason I was doing this was because I knew Tyler and me were so perfect for each other. We shared a bond I had with no one else. I always knew what he was thinking. Or at least almost always. But now I had no idea what was going through his mind. But I'll tell you what I wished it was.

IF ONLY NOELLE KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND WAS ONLY TRYING TO MAKE HER JEALOUS. Hey a girl can wish right?

"No. I doubt I would hear you say a thing like that. At least I wouldn't hear you, cuz you know I can kick your ass right?" I said smiling "Oh my god. After school today I spent the whole day trying to clean out the boxes in the basement. My back is killing me!!!" That was a lie. I had done no such thing. I just wanted a massage.

"Are you done? I could help you if you want." He offered his eyebrows furrowing. In a concerned look.

"Oh no don't worry about it." I told him. My forehead had begun to break out in a sweat. I hope he didn't catch me in a lie. I was getting better and better at telling little lies that wouldn't hurt anyone. But then I got an idea, that would solve my problem of not needing help, and give me a chance to get him a little jealous. "Spencer's coming by tomorrow. He offered to help. I promised I would give him a snack later of my specialty. Oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies. I would hate to disappoint him." I smiled.

Hey if he talked about Sasha I could talk about Spencer (Spencer is my other best guy friend, he looks like Heith Ledger and has a great sense of humor, he nice and is basically a dream guy.) I made a point of talking about Spencer when he talked about Sasha. I also talked to my friends about him when Tyler could hear (If I couldn't find a way to work him into the conversation for revenge.) Natalia would say, something like 'so how's Spencer!' and I would say. Something about how we had hung out lately. And how sweet he was. And of course how hot he was. Then our convo would go on akmost exactly like this, Amy (my other best friend) would exclaim 'Bring us a picture.' Then I would say 'Jeez ams, I wish I could, but I won't see him till Boxing Day.' Then amy would say ' dont' you have any pics of him?' 'No.' I would reply.

When Tyler talked about his girlfriend it made my blood boil so the least I could do was make his steam a bit. An eye for an eye.

"Oh I'm surprised." He teased, smiling. "I thought you were gonna screw him" he said

He put his hands on my shoulders. And turned me around before I had the chance to punch him.

"Turn around. I'll give you a massage." He said.

SCORE 2-0 FOR NOELLE. I thought.

His hands work around my spine and I squirmed.

"That tickles!" I whined jokingly.

"Oh like this?" he asked playing into my hand. He squeezed the sides of my stomach making me practically leap out of my seat in surprise.

"You ass!!!" I scolded jokingly turning around to stop him from tickling me.

"I know it's sexy." he said turning me around again. He continued with my massage. His hands were kneading my back like bread. I smiled and sighed as I felt all the tension release.

My shoulders slumped. And I inhaled and exhaled deeply.

"Maybe that's why you're back hurts so much!!! Your posture is crappy!!!" he said. Poking me in the back. (In a pressure point he knew always got me.)

My back straightened as fast as a whip. I fell back onto his lap. I could feel his manhood pulsing against my back. HEH HEH!!!! My seductions were working. (SCORE 3-0 FOR NOELLE!!!) I put my head on his lap and looked up at him. He didn't protest. He raised his hand and tuck my hair behind my ear. His neck was bending and he was lowering his head down towards me. SCORE 4-0 FOR NOELLE!!!

Just then the door opened again. And in walked my dad. Prefect timing HUNH?

Tyler shot back up as did I. My dad was so strict about things like that. The whole guys touching girls thing. If he saw us kissing. Like I knew we would have, had he come in just second later. He would have freaked.

He was never home. He was always working, working, working. He had his own business. And the couple times we did spend time together we almost always discussed my future. And what lay ahead for me. What I wanted to do for a living. When I told him I wanted to teach Math, English or Science. I could almost see the steam rising from his ears. But he managed to keep the bitterness out of his voice when he told me "It's a tough way to live but if that's what you want to do with you're life, go ahead." I had learnt to read between the lines of what my dad said. I knew he had always expected us to start OUR own company. . . or maybe become doctors. Or some other well paying job.

So no one in my house had good relationship wit each other. My mom my sisters and I were always fighting. (and Makayla often resorted to biting and goring away at my arms. And Elisha was the best fake crier around. So when ever I started yelling at her, she would break out into a well practiced fake cry. My mom would buy it and I would get in trouble. Then I would yell at my mom.) My dad was almost never home. And when he was, my mom was always fighting with him so I was worried about then getting a divorce. I realized that tons of kids my aged had step moms and step dads, but still I could never imagine it happening to me. So life was not going to well for me. And now my dad had just walked in on me. While I was luring Tyler into my trap. That idiot!!! WAY TO HELP!!!! NO HELP!!!!. That was something Elisha always said. Frankly it drove me nuts but I must say it was quite fun to say.

Tyler and I were now sitting on the very opposite sides of the couch. My dad had already explained all the rules to him. And I think he remembered them. It was hard to forget what my dad told you. He was a pretty scary guy. So when he talked you listened. And now. well I'll just say. He was talking all right.

"This is inappropriate behavior, what kind of example are you setting for your little sister?" He asked his voice was rising to a yell.

IF ONLY HE HAD SEEN WHAT ELISHA WAS DOING!!! I thought.

OK this is what he was saying and we didn't even do anything. Lucky for Elisha the music was on pretty damn high. So dad couldn't hear her passionate squeals of ecstasy.

Speak of the devil. Down she came. Dressed completely different than she had been. (When she came in with John, she had been wearing slutty clothes. But now she was wearing a dignified black top and pants. And I'll bet you John had never left the room once.)

"See? Your sister isn't doing anything with guys and she has a boyfriend" My dad yelled looking from Elisha to me and back to Elisha again. My sister had lied so successfully to my parents during her 15 year old life, she knew exactly how to react. And so she started staring at me in perfectly faked confusion.

"Noelle what were you doing? What would make daddy so unhappy?" She asked raising her eyebrows and pouting her lips slightly.

"She was making out with Tyler." He yelled looking at me like I was some sort of demon

"Dad you know I wasn't. . . We were just. . . I was just." I tried. But I was interrupted by Elisha.

"No! Noelle you couldn't have. No you didn't. I won't believe it. And he has girlfriend." She turned away from me in a perfectly mimicked 'disgrace'. When she turned back around he face was 'livid'

"You little slut!! You whore!!! Don't you ever talk to me again!!!" She 'cried' as she ran up to her room.

"Out boy." My dad said in a low voice.

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows and looked at me to say a silent goodbye.

"OUT!!!!!" my dad yelled. And he strode right over grabbed Tyler's shirt and dragged him right out the door.

I could hear my dad yelling out side.

"How could you do this to my daughter. I'll bet you fucked her to!! You just ruined my daughters life!!! Are you happy. I'll bet you had fun doing it to. Get out of my sight!! I never want to see on my property again." Tyler had thrown in the occasional "no" and "but" but it didn't help. My father wasn't in a listening mood. (Not that he normally was) So he threw Tyler off our porch. Came back in and slammed the door.

When he looked at me his face was beat red, (like mine had been, when Tyler had heard Elisha and John upstairs.) It was one of the things I had gotten from him, I got his brown eyes, his round face and his carbohydrate addiction(and therefor his tendency to gain weight) and so as I'm sure you can imagine I wasn't keen to get any other things from him. Like his tendency to over react or his drinking problem or the fact that he never saw his family. I could only hope that those were things I wouldn't develop in the future.

"I have nothing to say to you." He said his voice was flat, hid disgrace wasn't acted. HE ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS A SLUT!!! "Go to your room."

I did. The walk up there seemed really long. Longer than it ever had been, but I guess that was because I had never walked up to my room and hear my dad muttering under his breath things like "Fucking Whore. Stupid slut. Maybe I should fuck her up her tight little pussy whole" (he must have been drunk.) His eyes were burning into my back, or was it my ass, the whole time.

By then a new round of tears had come but these were silent tears. Soft tears. And comforting tears. And they carried on long into the night. Instead of spasming my body with sobs. They cradled me and I felt calm in a way I never had. The saddest calm I had ever been but still calm the tears kept coming and coming. I was surprised I had any left. I was surprised my eyes hadn't shriveled up and fallen out of my head. That would teach them! They would come in, in the morning and find me dead. With my dry eyes rolling around on the floor. They wouldn't ever forget me. But I new that would happen. My eyes wouldn't shrivel up and they wouldn't come in, in the morning. Oh how right I was.