Locked Out

Oh shit. No way. It can’t have happened. I mean, I just went out to get the mail! There wasn’t any wind, no noise from the door – just that loud bang a few seconds ago. Oh shit. This isn’t possible, this isn’t happening. It’s not real. All right, all right, stay calm, stay calm. Don’t panic. It’s not as bad as it looks. Try the door again, it mightn’t have completely closed. Damn. Nothing. Try again. Push a bit harder this time. Oh shit. This doesn’t look promising.

Quickly, check around the back door – maybe I unlocked it or something. Ah, Hell. No such luck. Any other doors? The one behind the computer perhaps? Nope, wooden door’s unlocked like it always is, but the grille…shit. Where did I leave my keys? If it’s somewhere near the computer, I can get them. Oh, damn, that’s right. I left them inside my pants, on the couch. Smart move, man. Why couldn’t you have left them near the floor of the computer door. Shit. Why didn’t I take my mobile phone, or even the house phone? Well…no time to mull over it now.

Where’s the nearest payphone then? Oh shit, about 250 metres down the road. And I have to go there in a loose shirt and boxers? No way, no way in Hell am I doing that. I’ll just sit tight and wait. Maybe check to back door again, or see if there’s any way up from one of the rooms under the house. Oh no. no fucking way in Hell am I going to smash my hands trying to get through those wooden beams. And think of the termites and bugs that must be there as well! Oh, gross. That I do NOT want happening to me. Man, don’t take the easy way out. Focus, focus, focus. Is there another way in from anywhere? Maybe one of the holes that the possums go through up on the roof. Hmmm…maybe not. It’s like, a four metre jump from the ceiling to the floor anyway, and with all the shit I have on the floor of my room? Yeah right. But then that opens up another can of worms…climbing on the roof of the garage and swinging over to Mum’s balcony? Yeah, I guess that could work, but I REALLY don’t wanna fall onto solid stone. Even if I make it, how the fuck am I supposed to open the glass door? Smash it open? Then how the fuck am I supposed to explain the shattered glass to Mum when she gets back?

Okay, slow it down a tad. Maybe I can’t do that Tarzan shit, but I might be able to shift the glass on the front door so I can slip through. Oh shit. It’s stuck on – like welded. Ah shit on a stick. Can I get in some other way? An open window? Damn. No such luck there. All locked from the inside. No way in. Man, this just isn’t my day. Shit. What time is it? Looks to be about 3-ish maybe. Should be cooling down in about…oh, say…four hours. Fuck. It’s like, thirty degrees already. Shit. Shit. Shit. Not good. Not good at all. Try the back way again. No difference. I can see the inside of the house, dammit! So fucking close but so far. Man, I wish I could teleport.

So it’s come down to this. Man, stupid freak gust of wind, blowing the fucking door shut. Fucking payphone near the park, too damn long to walk in this fucking heat. Oh shit. How the fuck am I supposed to pay? Eh, reverse call charge. Now, let’s see…1800…hmmm…7383773. all right. Now we’re getting somewhere. Number that I want…got it. Connecting…connecting…ah, finally! What? What the fuck do you mean it’s a damn answering machine! Maybe they’re all out to lunch. At 3? Come on! Try again. Aha, connecte…what the fuck? A damn closed connection? Ah shit. Try again later. Go back home.

Damn, it’s hot, but the sandstone’s freezing. Ah! Stupid flies! Get off me you damn insects! Fucking bees as well! At least there’s no spiders out in this heat. Damn, I need something like a stick or something to try to get one of my socks. Damn, I saw something here a while ago. Bingo! My first bit of good luck since the lockout. Yuck, it’s a bit dirty, get the hose to wash it off. Who gives a shit about those farmers? Stuff the water restrictions, I need a sock to keep my scab from breaking off…oh Hell, spoke too soon. At least it’s not bleeding that badly. Shit. I need that sock ASAFP! Finally, it’s dried. Open the computer door, why we keep it unlocked is a mystery to me as well. Hold on, closer, a bit more…YES! At last! Something to stem the blood…for now. All right, time to try the phone again…hope I get better luck this time!

Dialled the number, let’s see if it works this time! Fifty bucks says it…whoa. It worked! Connecting…still connecting…got it! I knew they weren’t at lunch! Okay, so I basically have to wait at home?! What the fuck do you think I’ve been doing for the past God knows how long?! Okay, tell her, but if she laughs, I’m socking her. Okay. Time to wait.

This should be interesting.

The End.