This Fic Will Change Your Life

by Jagurandi

~ I immediately disown the idea for this title. This title came from THIS BOOK WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE, an excellent piece of literature that you should go buy now. I SAID NOW!~

Jagurandi: This is the story of an idiot, (THAT'S ME!) who goes out and buys a book that makes her very entertaining. A complete ass, but very entertaining. Go ahead read about the idiot (STILL ME!), and have a few laughs. God only knows my manager laughed. And laughed. And laughed at what a colossal ass I made out of myself many times over. For punishment, I shall write places into the story to make her my permanent friend comrade the whole time. So please, begin to read.

DAY ONE

"Come, Mihoshi, let us skip and sing show-tunes!"

Mihoshi stared at her friend Jagurandi very strangely. They were freezing their asses off outside at the best outdoor mall in California, the Grove. Jagurandi, surprisingly, was having a marvelous time. She was jumping around with apparent excitement, probably a combination of the twenty-six bags of gummy coke bottles and thirty donuts.

The pair had already caused havoc throughout the shopping center, twirling around at Cost Plus, rode the trolley eight consecutive times so that they could yell at two boys who were running pathetically slow after the trolley and so that they could wave a queenly wave at the people below, and reading books they had no intention of buying to irritate the clerks.

It was when they made their third stop at Barnes & Noble that Jagurandi spotted it. A bright orange book on the humor shelf, entitled THIS BOOK WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE jumped out at her from the shelf. Actually, she accidentally knocked over a shelf and found it while she was re-assembling the contents.

She stared at the book for a moment, then knew it was destiny, completely ignoring the fact that there was a display of the same books on the side, and she would have seen it anyways. Mihoshi was on the other side of the building, sipping coffee and reading manga, so it was necessary for her to run at the speed of light to the cafe, knocking over several employees in the vicinity, to express her newfound joy with her companion.

On closer inspection, the two found out that the book was a weird kind of instruction manual/cult. If you followed each days instructions, you were bound to become rich and famous. Jagurandi was more than happy to purchase the book, and her and Mihoshi spent many happy minutes reading over the book waiting for the day's chauffeur (Jagurandi's mom) to come pick them up.

"Oh, Jaggy, look at Day 114! 'Tattoo a banana and display it in your window'!"

"That's nothing! Look at Day 150! 'Reconnect with your aquatic origins by spending all of today underwater!' For my sake, I hope that's in the summer sometime!"

"What about Day 261? 'Today, give someone a totally useless gift!'"

"Oooh! That'll be fun! And look at Day 94: 'Today, avoid all sources of electromagnetic energy.' Oh look, here's mom," Jagurandi said, slapping the books shut on Mihoshi's hand.

On the way home, Jaggy's mother blared such loud music that Mihoshi and Jagurandi had to yell into each others ears to hear each other and yet were still completely inaudible to Jagurandi's mom.

"HEY JAGURANDI," Mihoshi yelled. "WHAT DOES IT SAY FOR DAY ONE?"

" I DON'T KNOW! LET ME SEE!" Jagurandi opened the book, and by way of passing street lights was able to read the first day's instruction to Mihoshi. "AS THIS IS YOUR FIRST DAY, YOU SHOULD WARM UP WITH AN EASY TASK THAT WILL ONLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE A LITTLE. CHOOSE ONE OF THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS.'"

"OOH! I'LL TELL YOU WHICH ONE TO PICK!"

"NUMBER ONE: DO ONE PRESS-UP!"

"WHAT'S A PRESS-UP?"

"I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA, SO MOVING ON...NUMBER TWO: Uhhh..."

"COME ON JAGGY, READ!!"

"FINE! 'NUMBER TWO: PERFORM A STRIPTEASE IN PRIVATE!'"

Mihoshi laughed, then continued the conversation. "YOU'D NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT FROM TWINKLE FLUFF!"

"'NUMBER THREE: TRIPLE TIE YOUR SHOE-LACES!'"

"TOO BORING!"

"'NUMBER FOUR: LEARN TO PLAY CHOPSTICKS ON THE PIANO!'"

"YAWN!"

"NUMBER FIVE: INCREASE YOUR TYPING SPEED--"

"IMPOSSIBLE!"

"GOOD POINT!" Jagurandi yelled, waiting for another streetlight. "'NUMBER FIVE: JAYWALK IN A PEDESTRIAN ZONE!' I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT!"

"SEVERAL TIMES! BUT LET'S SAY IT DOESN'T COUNT FOR THE HELL OF IT!"

"NO PROBLEM!"

At this point, Jagurandi's mom sensed the yelling in the back and popped in her portable CD player headphones so that the two in the backseat could hear themselves talk.

"And that was the difference between my mom and yours," Mihoshi said, massaging her ears thoroughly. "Jaggy, how do you maintain your hearing?"

"EH?" Jagurandi said, whamming the side of her head.

"Never mind," Mihoshi told her near-deaf friend, imagining an anime sweatdrop sliding down her head. "Just tell me the rest."

"Uh, let's see...change thickness of combs, tell someone your middle name, set all your clocks to the right time, hold the phone up to the other ear, bookmark a new website, try a new sandwich filling, say yo instead of hello, leave work five minutes early, fantasize about your partner..."

"What partner?"

"Oh, rub that in, why don't you? Lessee, decide which of your toes are prettiest, uh..." O_O

(The Authoress feels she must use a face right now, although when she writes in paragraph context she normally doesn't)

"What is it Jaggy?"

"Uh, read that one."

O_O "This book was written by men, huh?"

"Yeah, but skipping that sexually-related one, let us go on to insult an insect and go on a one minute hunger strike."

"Oh, Jaggy! Here's an insect! Insult it, Insult it!"

"With pleasure! Yo, fly!"

The fly, obviously, did nothing.

"Hey fly! I'm talking to you!"

I'm sure the fly took this point to say, 'Good for you. Now shoo kid, you bother me."

"Well, fly, you mama wears combat boots!"

Mihoshi, for the hundredth time that day, stared at Jagurandi very oddly, then told her tactfully, "Jaggy? That insult sucked beyond all reason."

"Yes, I know, That is just the thing that THE BOOK," at this point, Jagurandi rose the book above her head to signify it's holiness before continuing, "will help me to change. Next year, Mihoshi, I fully intend...to be able to sincerely insult an insect so badly it will drop dead on impact rather than beating it's brains against the car window in it's utter amazement at my low intellect."

Mihoshi burst out laughing, and stopped only when Jaggy's mother said, "Jaggy, Mihoshi, we're here," and they were indeed at Mihoshi's house. Mihoshi jumped out of the car, hugged Jagurandi, and ran to her safe haven of a home where she would be greeted with sanity.

"CALL ME TOMORROW, DAHL! KISSES!" Jagurandi yelled out the window as she leaped into the front seat and her mother burned rubber, but Mihoshi could hear the blaring music for five minutes before it began to fade into the distance like the lone ranger riding off, and did not begin to greet the rest of her family until Jagurandi's call of "HI HO SILVER SATURN STATION WAGON AWAAAAAAY!!!!!" faded into the distance.

END OF DAY ONE

Jagurandi: This has been day one. I hope you have enjoyed me making a complete ass out of myself in front of...AN INSECT! Should I become rich and famous one day, I suppose the fly shall be the first to be interviewed for celebrity trash mags.

Mihoshi: What about me?

Jagurandi: You don't count. You're asinine.

Mihoshi: I see. Uh, what's that?

Jagurandi: -_- Asinine AND a small vocabulary. What an impressive package.

Mihoshi: I'll cry.

Jagurandi: Yeah right. Bye-bye viewers! Stay tuned for ~gasp~ DAY TWO! I shall make an ass of myself in front of more important things than a mere fly!

STUPID INSECT! YOU WEAR COMBAT BOOTS!!