This Fic Will Change Your Life

By Jagurandi

Jagurandi: As summoned by my dearly deranged manager, I have written yet another chapter.

Mihoshi: Am I back to being your manager again?

Jagurandi: Well, when I previously wrote, your only objective as manager was to kick my ass into writing chapters whenever I had a spare moment. As you have forced that issue, I think you can safely be called my manager.

Mihoshi: ((nods)) Sweet.

Jagurandi: However, dear manager, the joke is on YOU this time!

Mihoshi: What?!?

Jagurandi: I succeeded in updating before the week's end on the last chapter.

Mihoshi: ((is in a catatonic state of shock)) Good...Good Lord! So you have! I never dreamt it possible.

Jagurandi: You know what this means!

Mihoshi: ...no.

Jagurandi: It means, oh manager o' mine, that you owe me one coconut! And I get to keep all of my emo purple duck! ((huggles Xemnas))

Mihoshi: ((sighs)) Fine. I'll go out and get a coconut.

Jagurandi: By yourself...? Want me to go with you?

Mihoshi: Oh, no. I have some...uh...other things to arrange.

Jagurandi: ... ((shrugs)) As long as you're not putting out a hit on me.

Mihoshi: Oh, goodness no! See ya! ((departs))

Jagurandi: ...wow. The room of Authoress Noting is quite small when you really get down to it. ...and kind of scary...SQUEAK! Let's start the ficcy before vampires rip out my soul!

DAY 8

“Jagurandi, I love you dearly, what with you being my firstborn child and all...” Jagurandi’s mother said, tapping her foot on the floor. “But I will not have my house become a youth hostel.”

"Eh," Jagurandi asked, waking involuntarily. "What eats at your insatiable well of anger, mother?"

"This." Jagurandi's mom walked away to display a bouncing and smiling Mihoshi.

"Jaggy Jaggy Jaggy!" Mihoshi cried happily.

"What what what?" Jagurandi answered, rubbing her eyes.

"Come see come see come see!"

With a remarkable summoning of her strength, Jagurandi managed to wake herself up enough to haul out of bed and stumble after Mihoshi to the kitchen. "Now what—oh!"

"Hey, Jag, don't have much to eat around here," LittleLaurel said, rummaging around the kitchen. "Oh well. Ice cream for breakfast it is!" She took a massive box of Dove miniatures out of the freezer and began eating them as fast as she could.

"Laurel?" Jagurandi said with profound consternation. "What are you doing in my house?"

"Ea'in'" LittleLaurel replied through a mouthful of ice-cream.

Jagurandi was busy puzzling over this when she received a tap on the shoulder. "EYAUGH!"

Dark Lord presented her tea cup to Jagurandi.

"Dark Lord?" Jagurandi screwed up her eyes in dismay. "What—"

"You should hire cows if you're going to engage in manifestos against dairy, Jag," Dark Lord said.

"Um...well...I know we don't have any milk, but—" Jagurandi tried to open her mouth to ask.

"Oh, what, no huge diatribes about the sordid state of the milk industry for her, but when I ask if we have any milk," Mihoshi rambled, eating a handful of Corn Pops.

Jagurandi stared blindly at the three new additions to her household, some, albeit, newer than others. "Alright. Do you know what? I am not EVEN going to ask."

LittleLaurel raised a finger and waved it from side to side. "Whoopee!"

Sighing, Jagurandi slumped to the table. "Would someone just pass me some Pops?"

"No," Mihoshi said. She hugged the huge box of Corn Pops to her chest.

Jagurandi's eye twitched. "Why not? They are my Pops. My parents paid good money for those, not yours. In summation, GIVE ME SOME FREAKING CORN POPS BEFORE I EAT YOUR HEART!"

"No," Mihoshi repeated, smiling as she crunched on her Corn Pops.

Gritting her teeth, Jagurandi sighed louder. "Fine. Laurel, Mihoshi is being a bitch-head. Kindly give me some Dove minis."

"No," LittleLaurel said, sucking the ice cream out of a delicious chocolate-covered delight.

At this point, Jagurandi began to suspect foul play. "Dark Lord? Hon? Dearest companion? Would you do me a favor and grab me some honey tea? Laurel and Mihoshi are having serious personal problems that are keeping them from having a boyfriend and a social life."

"I think I should be offended," LittleLaurel said haughtily.

Dark Lord shifted her feet, guarding the tea.

Jagurandi hit the roof. "GYA! WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS HOUSE THAT I CAN'T WRANGLE A CUP OF HONEY TEA OR A TEASPOON OF PURE SUGAR! I NEED THAT!" She began bouncing up and down in her kitchen and punching the surfaces of all her kitchen counters. Seeing that her friends were beginning to back away with her delectable sugary substances, Jagurandi calmed down, affecting that strangely sane mien that somehow makes one three times more insane than normal. "Please, guys. You know how much I need that stuff! I need it to write, to think, to breathe, even! Sugar is the cocaine to my Rick James!" She inched forwards even as her friends inched backwards.

Sensing defeat, she stopped. "Ok. Fine. But will you at least tell me, after putting you up in my house for no reason, supplying you with food AND allowing you all the comforts that I can afford, you are denying me that which I crave most in the world?"

Mihoshi reached out with a very familiar bright orange book. Jagurandi rolled her eyes. "Oh good God," she sighed, sitting in a kitchen chair. "Is it really so bad?"

"That's the whole reason we came over, you see!" LittleLaurel said. Deciding she was full, she put the rest of the ice cream pops in the freezer, then proceeded to lock the whole refrigeration unit with a padlock and chains.

"You suck at life," Jagurandi hissed, crossing her arms.

"You are a member of a cult," Dark Lord said. "It's all very exciting."

Jagurandi glared at Mihoshi. "You told them I was in a cult?!?"

"No," Mihoshi said. "I didn't tell them anything. DL just showed up with Laurel this morning and said to keep all the sugar away from you if you wanted to be a good cult member."

"DL," Jagurandi sighed, "I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't use your omniscience against me. But tell me, what is the reason that you agreed to outside assistance with today's task, Mihosh?"

"I'm not done with my Pops yet," Mihoshi mumbled, cramming more food into her mouth. "So I'll stay over here. DL, you show her."

"Alright," Dark Lord agreed. She glided over to where Jagurandi sat.

"Um, DL," Jagurandi said with concern. "Are you aware that your feet aren't touching the ground?"

"Yes," Dark Lord replied, looking up suddenly. Her pupils were dilated to an extraordinary degree. "Red Bull gives me wings."

"Oh...oh my," Jagurandi managed to get out. "Alrighty then. Um, what is it I must do?"

"Here," LittleLaurel said, taking the book while Dark Lord, Red Bull taking it's full effect, communed with the ceiling. "'Day Eight: Addiction free day. Your body is your temple. Cut out addictive substances for the day and see how much purer you feel.'"

As she heard her dire sentence, Jagurandi's inner cokehead wept. "F...for the whole day?"

"Indeed," Mihoshi said, nodding as she recycled an empty box of Corn Pops.

"Does it have to be sugar?" Jagurandi asked, leaping at her one chance.

"Yes. That has been decided by a jury of your peers to be your greatest addiction," LittleLaurel said.

"But...I...I'm also addicted to...um...to golf! Yes! Why don’t you ban me from playing golf?"

"Ok," Dark Lord said, looking down at Jagurandi. "You are hereby banned from playing golf."

"Um, Dark Lord?" Jagurandi asked.

"Yes, Potassium?"

"Pota—never mind. But, could you come down from there? Please? It's rather disorienting to have a spookily psychic friend one minute and then God the next."

"Whatever helps you out," Dark Lord said, floating down from her lofty perch. "Poor thing. No golf all day long."

Mihoshi and LittleLaurel stared at Dark Lord with exasperation. "Um, DL," Laurel said.

"Yes, Lilac?"

"Li—never mind. What do you think you're doing?"

"It's a simple case of misappropriation, Lilac," Dark Lord explained. "When Jagurandi means to say, 'eat sugar', she says 'play golf' because she is scared of the realities that face her. I say we help her psyche by indulging her and letting her eat all the golf balls she craves."

Now all three took turns to stare at Dark Lord. "DL," Jagurandi said, speaking for them all. "Sometimes it is very difficult for me to tell if you are truly God in Its personification or it you are on some illegal substance that we have yet to name."

Dark Lord looked at her watch. "Tick tock, tick tock. You have eleven hours to go before midnight when you can play all the golf and table tennis you want, for that matter."

The full weight of the time seemed to sink into Jagurandi. "Oh God...it's only one?" she whined. A small muscle near her right eye began to spasm.

"What's wrong, Jagurandi?" Mihoshi asked.

"I should say that a lack of golf in our friend's life is making her go through mean cold turkey. A small muscle near her right eye is spazzing, and thus causing her some discomfort. And Jag, you may want to sit down, because your knee is kind of sha—"

THUMP!

"—ky," Dark Lord concluded, sipping some Red Bull. "Isn't it fascinating how we trick our very body into believing that it needs an outside source to remain whole?"

Mihoshi and LittleLaurel gave up on their omniscient friend in exchange for the one suffering from intense physical withdrawals.

"Jesus, Jaggy, you can't have been kept from sugar for more than forty minutes! That is way too soon to be spazzing out this fiercely!" Mihoshi cried, helping tie her friend to a chair with bungee cords.

"Oh, that's comforting!" Jagurandi said, trying to control the intense shaking going on through her whole nervous system. "Do me a favor and tell that to my nervous breakdown, will you?"

Later on, the physical needs give way to the mental.

((2:00 pm))

"Please, Laurel. Give me some sugar. I need glucose to maintain my vigorous lifestyle!" Jagurandi tried to reason.

"Would this vigorous lifestyle be the same one that involves sitting your ass down at a chair each day and making your fingers push down on keys?" LittleLaurel replied half-heartedly, flipping through a magazine.

"Hey, it's harder than it looks!" Jagurandi said defensively. "Sometimes a key sticks, sometimes I can't think of anything to say. Sometimes I have to go to the bathroom really bad but I don't want to move!"

LittleLaurel continued reading. "Give it up, Jaggy."

Jagurandi bowed her head in despair.

Later still, the mental needs bow to the emotional.

((4:00 pm))

"WaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaah!" Jagurandi sobbed, crying harder than she ever had in recent memory.

"Jesus Christ, make it stop!" Mihoshi cried, putting her hands over her head.

Dark Lord looked out the window. "Look. A bird. It flies with its wings. It beaks with its sings. A message spills out. It looks about. It flies to another young bird."

LittleLaurel shook Dark Lord profusely by the shoulders. "Dark Lord! Stop being so stoned and help us shut her up."

Dark Lord glared at LittleLaurel. "You have wrongly accused me, and for this, you will die."

LittleLaurel widened her eyes. "What?"

"I am not on drugs. I am merely drinking a Red Bull. That is not illegal, NSA. That is NOT illegal." With that, Dark Lord glared so hard at LittleLaurel that her head exploded.

Jagurandi stopped crying long enough to join Mihoshi's shocked jaw drop. "W...w...waaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaah!" she cried again after a few moment's silence. "Now I don't have any sugar and Laurel is dead! Waaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Pretty little bird," Dark Lord cooed.

Mihoshi took several steps away and sat down, reminding herself calmly that she did not share any genetic material with any of these people.

Later even than that, the emotional strains turn to those of fierce anger, the kind that promotes you to the fifth circle of hell.

((7:00 pm))

"IF I DON'T HAVE SUGAR WITHIN THE NEXT FOUR SECONDS, I SHALL BURN YOUR CROPS, MALIGN YOUR HONOR, AND DELIVER A PLAGUE UNTO YOUR HOUSES!" Jagurandi opened her mouth and tried as hard as she could to breathe fire.

"Wow oh wow," LittleLaurel said, keeping a good distance away from Dark Lord in order to preserve her new chance at life.

"How soon will this be over?" Mihoshi asked.

"Oh, relatively soon," Dark Lord said. "And then she will be limp and devoid of energy for several moments. I propose that we use that time to go out and get some Red Bull for us and ours.

"Ok," LittleLaurel said, happy to agree.

"Let's go," Mihoshi said, grabbing her coat. "We'll be back soon, Jaggy."

"I HOPE THAT ALL YOUR LOVED ONES AND YOUR DOG ARE KILLED IN A FIERY EXPLOSION!"

With that, the three set out to buy Red Bull, firmly locking the door behind them.

Jagurandi grinned malevolently. Dark Lord's omniscience had failed, and she would use this to her advantage. "Quickly, bungee cords!" She whispered to that which constrained her. "Fly from me! Fly, while my anger runs strong and gives speed to my cause!"

As bungee cords are inanimate in nature, they proceeded to ignore our heroine. This enraged her to the point of no return. "EYAAAAAUGH!" she cried, extending her arms so that the bungee cords actually snapped and gave her some severe gashes.

Jagurandi, being a woman on a mission, chose not care. She stormed from her house, running at an insane pace to the closest place she could mangle the cheapest sweets: a vending machine at the community college a few minutes from her house.

(Ca-ching)

"Thank you, miss," the cashier at Dales Jr. said, handing Dark Lord her Red Bull.

"You are most welcome, Divine Angel of the Bull most Red," Dark Lord replied creepily, causing the cashier in question to spaz. "Have you purchased your junk food, lambs on the altar of caffeine?" she asked, floating over to LittleLaurel and Mihoshi.

Used to Dark Lord's cult, the two replied in the affirmative, and began the walk back to Jagurandi's house.

SKREEEEEEEEEE!

"What in holy hell was that?" LittleLaurel cried, biting down hard on her Coke bottle in surprise.

Dark Lord turned serious. "I fear for Jagurandi's life."

"WHAT?!?" Mihoshi and LittleLaurel screamed, knowing that the omniscient Dark Lord was not just being paranoid.

"Her will was not strong, and her temptations overcame her. Fortunately, her body remains clear of the evils, but her life, both literal and legal, is being held in check by some very pissed off people." She frowned, downed the rest of her Red Bull, and threw the can neatly into a nearby recycling contained. "I shall return."

With that, she disappeared into air. LittleLaurel and Mihoshi were left staring into space, worried and confused about the unnaturality of Dark Lord.

"So..." LittleLaurel said.

"Should we...call the police?" Mihoshi asked, hand on her purse.

"I doubt it, knowing Jagurandi. Hell, we should probably avoid the police for a while." LittleLaurel joked.

"Heh, yeah," Mihoshi agreed.

The two laughed nervously. And then heard a police siren. They made eye-contact.

"AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!"

They ran at hell-speed for Jagurandi's house, ignoring demands of their respiratory system. When they finally arrived, red-face and out of breath, Dark Lord was supporting a very sad, very beat-up looking Jagurandi.

"Jaggy..." Mihoshi panted when they were all safely inside the Studio, "What the hell, man? What the hell?"

"Eh," Jagurandi said.

"Eh?" LittleLaurel asked.

"Eh," Jagurandi replied.

"Eh," Mihoshi repeated.

"Eh," LittleLaurel affirmed.

"Bed," Dark Lord said, turning out the lights with her mind.

And with that, all was silent.

END OF DAY 8

Mihoshi: Damn, Jaggy. Now, what have we learned?

Jagurandi: That sugar is necessary!

LittleLaurel: Somehow, I think you missed the point almost entirely.

Jagurandi: Hey! Laurel! Come to enjoy the Authoress Note party?

LittleLaurel: You know it! Mihoshi had to come pick us up, however, as no one knows the location of the Secret Room of Authoress Notation.

Dark Lord: 'Cept me.

LittleLaurel: Well, yes. Except Dark Lord. But you don't really count as human, do you?

Dark Lord: Nope. Here. ((hands Jagurandi coconuts))

Jagurandi: Dark Lord! Now it's a party!

Dark Lord: A party of thanks, to you! ((points to you at home))

Krizzie: Oh, the art of the evil laugh. There are simply so many choices...does one choose the standard Mua-ha-ha-ha, or the increasingly popular Bua-ha-ha-ha? Should the vowel in question be a u, as I Mua- or Bua-, or a w, as in Mwa- and Bwa-? And just how many ha's are acceptable, anyways? I thought your evil laughter was very nice. Keep up the good work, and keep on reading (your welcome in regards to Brazil, and many thanks for your enjoyment of my cheat chapter).

Moonstorm101: Ah, do I not win? Great to hear from you, as always!

Rioden: No one wants to know about Day 7. I don't want to know about Day 7, though I sadly admit to you that I do. Anyways, I'm glad that you enjoyed, and I hope you continue to do so. And I will send that boy some positive vibes. Does he still have his digestive system?

simsfanatique: That is indeed what this Fic is meant to do: to change the life of you! Hence the informative title! Thanks so much for tuning in, and I wish you much laughter in future chapters as well. And, by the way, while she certainly appreciated the compliment, Dark Lord in my stories is not the same as the Dark Lord (He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) from J.K. Rowlings famous and very copyrighted series, Harry Potter. She is merely my most omniscient best friend, and she proves entertaining to have around.

Dark Lord: I would also personally like to thank Red Bull for being so wonderful.

Jagurandi: ...join us tomorrow, when Dark Lord will be forced to endure a day without HER addiction, energy drinks.

Dark Lord: ...((death glare))

Jagurandi: ((is death))

Mihoshi: O.O Ok, we be closing the chapter now.

LittleLaurel: I think that would be best.

SUGAR IS THE COCAINE TO MY RICK JAMES!

(DAMN, I LOVE THAT LINE!)