Somewhere, something began to play "Für Elise" in a series of sharp beeps and pings. It took Carrie a few seconds to realize it was her cell phone. The thought didnítí occur to her that she should pick it up until the song got to the B section, the part in C major, and by the time she had dug it out of her purse, pressed the ìanswerî button, and said, ìHello?î she was almost too late.
Almost.
ìHey,î the voice on the other end muttered. It was Andy. ìUmÖ about tonightÖî he trailed off.
Carrieís heart seemed to simultaneously shrink and sink into the pit of her stomach. Bad news. ìLemme guess,î she said, resisting the impulse to sigh angrily, ìYou canít make it?î
ìSorry, Carrie,î Andy said, not sounding the least bit sorry. ìI just donít feel very social right now. You understand, right?î
Yes, I understand, Carrie wanted to say. I understand that youíre canceling our date. I understand that youíre too tired to hang out with me tonight, I understand that I just got all dressed up and clean and put makeup on, which I never do, so we could go to the dance club tonight, I understand that now I have to tell Jessica and Sam that weíre not coming with them, although whatís the point of even going out tonight if my soon- to-be boyfriend canít come with us so it wouldnít be a double date, it'd just be nothing.
ìYeah,î Carrie stated sans emotion. Inside, she felt pent-up gloom and rage and frustration swirling together in a huge cloud of blue emotion, churning and mixing and creating a thunderstorm in her thoracic cavity. ìYou sure?î
She heard Andy sigh over the phone, through the terrible reception she got in her dorm room. ìI just donít feel like going out tonight. Iím in a solitary mood, I guess. Anyways, I gotta go. Bye,î he said, hanging up the phone before Carrie could even open her mouth to speak.
Carrie threw her cell phone gently onto her twin half-height bunk bed, and then sank onto the ergonomically designed plastic chair that had come equipped with her tiny dorm room. Pressing the power button on her tangerine iMac, she dug behind her textbooks and printer to unearth a semi- squashed bag of potato chips. The internal maternal voice in her head warned her that, if she wanted to lose the ten pounds sheíd gained last year, sitting at the computer Instant Messaging her friends and munching on Ruffles probably wasnít the best idea. ìFresh air and exercise! Fresh air and exercise!î the mini-mom chirped. Carrie put on her headphones and cranked up the All-American Rejects to drown her out.
Carrie started up the Instant Messaging program. Luckily, her best friend Jessica was online, so Carrie explained to her how she and Andy wouldnít be coming along with them. Iím so bummed, Carrie wrote. I thought he liked me. Why wouldnít he want to hang out with me?
Couldnít tell ya, responded Jessica. I still donít get why you broke up with Sam. Heís such a great guy.
Carrie wrinkled her nose, and then typed, Andyís so much more perfect, though. Donít you think weíd be the cutest couple?
UmÖ Jessica typed. Almost half a minute passed by before she wrote anything else. Never mind, she wrote. I gotta go eat dinner anyways.
Wait a second! Carrie wasnít going to let her get away that easily. What do you mean ìum?î Heís perfect for meÖ I mean, he likes all the same stuff I like, you know, music, drama, all that good stuff. And heís hotÖ and the nicest guy on the planetÖ
Jessica responded almost as soon as Carrie had sent the message. Look, I really have to go eat. The Dining Commons are gonna close soon. She logged off before Carrie could do anything else. What was with people hanging up on her today? It just didnít make sense.
Following Jessicaís lead, Carrie logged off and shut down her computer. Today was just not her day. First her almost-boyfriend had hung up on her, her best friend signed off on her, she had a drama final the next morning, her roommate would be home any minute with her stupid boyfriend and theyíd tell Carrie to get out of the room so they could have it to themselves (Carrie didnítí even want to think of what they might be doing when they were alone in the room)Ö plus, to top it all off, Carrie was feeling slightly homesick. True, it had been her choice to go to the college six hours away as opposed to two hours away from home. Sheíd wanted to get away. Too bad that wasnít true right now.
She lay down on her bed, moving her cell phone onto the desk to avoid lying on it. Almost as soon as she set it down, however, it rang again. Whoís calling me now? She wondered. Checking the caller ID, she noticed it said, ìNumber restricted.î Probably Andy in that case. For some reason, his phone number was never recognized on hers. Her bad mood suddenly lifted at the thought that it could be he on the other end of the line. She felt as if she were emerging from between grey storm clouds into a ray of sunshine. ìHello?î
ìHey.î It was Andy.
ìWhat are you doing, calling me? I thought you were feeling anti- social,î Carrie teased.
Andy chucked wanly. ìYeah, well, I amÖ butÖ umÖî he began to stammer. ì. ìI know this is kind of sudden, but I canít stand having you not know. Thereís something about me I need to tell you.î
Carrieís heart skipped a beat. ìThere is?î she asked, trying to keep a casual tone.
ìIím sorry, CarrieÖ I just couldnít wait any longer. Iíve been talking to Jessica about this and I really feel like you need to know this.î Andy was beating around the bush, and they both knew it. ìI just couldnítÖ wellÖ I couldnít go out with you tonight. Iíve been thinking a lot about this. I have to tell you.î
Carrieís stomach was knotting itself into a series of convoluted twists and turns. Butterflies began to travel through them, like kids on a slide. ìYes? You know you can tell me anything, Andy,î she said, hoping he wouldnít notice the quiver in her tone of voice. Her heart began to race down the roller coaster (following the butterflies), faster and faster until it seemed like it was going to explode out of her chest in a spray of anxious apprehension. Was he going to tell her he liked her now? Was she finally going to get the boyfriend she felt she deserved? If that were the case, well, Carrie certainly wouldnít be opposed. The flutter in her heart turned to excitement as she figured this was probably his intent. Wait till I tell Jessica, she thought.
She heard him take a few deep breaths. In, outÖ in, outÖ until he seemed to get stuck on one and couldnít exhale. Finally, after what seemed like a hundred years, he spoke.
ìIím gay,î he said.
ìOh.î
Oh my God, Carrie thought. Oh my GOD, oh my GOD heís gay oh my god thatís what he had to tell me that heís gay because he doesnít like me like that because heís gay, oh my god, this is the most horrible thing that ever happened to me oh my god oh my god oh my god i am going to die i am going to curl up here and die right now right here and now help me oh god this canít be happening maybe if i pinch myself itíll go away because this is all some horrible nightmare oh my god oh my god oh my god ohmygodohmygod!
ìOh,î she said again. ìOhÖ ohÖ oh...î An entire millennium passed between each syllable.
ìIím really sorry,î Andy blurted. ìIím so sorry.î
Carrie couldnít think of anything to say except, ìOh.î
Andy took another deep breath. ìAre you okay?î
Of course Iím not okay. Why would I be okay? My world is ending. My heart is breaking. Thanks a lot. Thanks a goddamn lot. ìYeah,î she said weakly. To her own ears, her voice was nothing but the squeak of a mouse, but Andy heard her anyway.
ìAre you sure youíre okay? Iím so sorry, CarrieÖî
Carrie somehow couldnít seem to get rid of the layer of foam rubber that had suddenly appeared on her tongue. She swallowed a few times, and was finally able to speak. ìNot that it matters now, but, umÖ I used to like you.î
ìI know,î Andy sighed. ìThatís why I had to tell you.î
Carrieís thoughts were stuffed into a blender with ice cubes and set to ìliquefy.î ìWhat do you meanÖ you knew?î
ìJessica told me.î
All of a sudden, it was as if some unseen force had unlocked the floodgates to Carrieís eyes. Tears began to spill out of them, falling more and more quickly and making the side of her face holding her phone damp and sticky. Her face was flushed and as hot as her heart was broken.

Andy must have heard her sniffling over the phone, because he asked her, ìAre you sure youíre okay?î
ìI will be,î Carrie said raggedly. Her chest was heaving, the butterflies in her stomach had turned to a lump of cold, unmalleable lead, and her face seemed to have turned into a sauna. It was a good thing she was wearing her contacts instead of her glasses, because they would have steamed up completely. How could things have gone so wrong? Carrie had thought Andy would be the perfect boyfriend. Yeah, heíd be the perfect boyfriend all rightÖ for another boy. She felt like someone had taken an ice pick and skewered her heart with it, turning it around and around until her heart was completely ripped to shreds from all the pressure. ìIíll be fine,î she reassured him. ìI donít have a problem with it or anything, butÖî she sniffed. ìItís gonna take me a while.î
ìIím so sorry,î Andy said for the zillionth time. ìI was dreading telling you because I didnít want to hurt youÖ but Jessica kept telling me I had to tell you. You canít imagine how hard this is for me.î
Carrie wanted to slam the phone across the room and fling herself on her bed to sob in silence. You canít imagine how hard this is for you? Can you imagine how hard it is for me!? I just found out my crush is a fucking queer, okay? Can you imagine how Iím feeling right now? Huh!? ìYeah, Iíll bet,î she said instead, without even the slightest hint of sarcasm in her voice. She had to admit, it must have been hard for him to tell the girl he knew was in love with him that he could never like her the way she liked him.
ìI am so sorry, Carrie. I never wanted to hurt you. But I had to tell you, before things went any further.î Andy sounded so vulnerable. This was a side of him sheíd never seen before. He paused briefly, and then continued. ìAre we okay?î He asked.
ìOf course weíre okay,î Carrie reassured him, all hints of anger and sadness beginning to drift away. What he needed most now was a friend, not a judge. ìWeíre gonna be okay. Youíre, like, my best friend. Nothingís gonna change that. I donít care if you like guys or girlsÖî As she said ìgirls,î she felt her voice waver. The tears began to fall again. Vaguely, she wondered why she had considered Jessica to be her ìbest friend.î ìBest friendsî donít betray each other, Carrie thought. They donít tell their crushes that they like them.
ìYouíre one of my three best friends in the world,î Andy explained. ìI donít wanna lose that.î
The tears were still falling, but Carrie felt herself beginning to get a grip now. ìDonít worry,î she said. ìI donít, either.î
She would have said more, but at that moment, her roommate burst through the door. ìHey, Carr,î she announced, ìI need to use your phone for a sec.î
ìRachael, Iím kind of busy!î
ìCarr-ie, I need to use your phone!î Rachael rolled her eyes as she slung her backpack on the floor.
Damn, Iím beginning to cry againÖ ìLook, Iím talking to Andy. Weíre having a very serious conversation.î Carrieís eyes pleaded for Rachael to abort her quest and go use someone elseís phone.
ìCall him back. I need to use the phone.î Was it Carrieís fault that Rachael didnít have a cell phone of her own? She sighed angrily. ìLook, Andy, I have to go. Iím sorry,î she choked out. ìWant me to call you back?î ìNoÖ Iím sorry. I have to go. Iím sorry,î she repeated, accidentally letting a sob escape. Andy got the point. ìIíll talk to you later, okay? Feel better. I love youÖ I just canít be any more than friends to you. Please understand that, okay, Carrie? I still love you.î Carrie was speechless. She made no sound, save for the hiccups she had acquired from crying for so long. I canít believe he just said that to me. Could he be any sweeter? Carrie smiled. Those words meant something extraordinarily huge to Carrie, especially spoken by Andy. ìI understand,î she smiled through her tears, bidding him adieu and handing the phone to Rachael. As Rachael went to stand in the hall to make her phone call, Carrie flopped down on her bed and let the tears flow completely, run until they were all gone, until the floodgates were completely emptied and dry. Why did this happen to me? Why, God? Why are You playing this practical joke on me? How come the guys I like never like me back? Whyíd You have to make him that way? I donít understand it! I would have been able to handle it if Iíd been told he was dead, because then I wouldnít have to see him ever again. What am I gonna say when I see him next weekend? At church? This is so hard. Please, just kill me now! Kill me now! Carrie grabbed a bit of flesh on her hand in between two fingernails and squeezed as hard as she possibly could, over and over until the pain became as dull to her as her inside felt. This has to be a nightmare! Iíve died and gone to Hell. Please, somebody, get me out of here! This isnít really happening! Itís all a horrible nightmare!
Pinching herself did nothing, however. She squeezed harder and harder every time but nothing happened. She was still sprawled on her bed, still stuck in her tiny dorm room, still trying to face the reality that the guy sheíd liked for so long was never going to be capable of liking her back.
She might have lain there for a minute; she might have lain there for a day. Time was irrelevant at this point. But regardless of how long sheíd been thinking, she didnít remember what Andy had said to her at the very end until much later. He said he loves me. He said Iím one of his best friends. He said he loves meÖ
The thought echoed in Carrieís head until she fell asleep right there, fully clothed, on her bed. Somehow, she knew things were going to be okay after all.
It just might take some time.

PAGE PAGE $?%?&?(?)?/?0?2?3?ý???ôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôôí???? Normal Normal Heading 1 Heading 1 Default Paragraph Font Default Paragraph Font Footer Footer Page Number Page Number Body Text Indent Body Text Indent HalloranEdata:Personal Folders:Mara Jade:School Stuff:Level HalloranEdata:Personal Folders:Mara Jade:School Stuff:Level HalloranEdata:Personal Folders:Mara Jade:School Stuff:Level HalloranEdata:Personal Folders:Mara Jade:School Stuff:Level HalloranSOSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_3454 HalloranSOSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_3454 HalloranEdata:Personal Folders:Mara Jade:School Stuff:Level HalloranEdata:Personal Folders:Mara Jade:School Stuff:Level HalloranROSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_982 HalloranROSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_982 HalloranROSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_710 HalloranROSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_710 HalloranEdata:Personal Folders:Mara Jade:School Stuff:Level HalloranEdata:Personal Folders:Mara Jade:School Stuff:Level HalloranSOSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_2262 HalloranSOSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_2262 HalloranSOSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_2790 HalloranSOSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_2790 HalloranSOSX System:Users:halloranfamily:Documents:Microsoft User Data:Word Work File A_2790ÿ?? Times New Roman Times New Roman Symbol Symbol Margie Halloran Margie Halloran Halloran Halloran Halloran Halloran Margie Halloran Halloran Normal Halloran Microsoft Word 10.1 Margie Halloran Root Entry 1Table 1Table WordDocument WordDocument SummaryInformation SummaryInformation DocumentSummaryInformation DocumentSummaryInformation CompObj CompObj Microsoft Word Document .8