Patchwork Holiday

A One Act Play

Written for the stage by M.C. Griffin

Please, use only with permission.

(A girl dressed like a rabbit is crucified on a wooden cross (optional that the cross is an inverted female sign) Her head is bowed so that her face is hidden. (The girl's appearance should be rather voluptuous and curvy, so it might be prudent to use some kind of stuffing for the costume.) She wiggles and jitters every once and a while as she hangs there. )

(Out comes a sickly looking guy with rabbit ears atop his head and a bandana with a pi sign on the front (optional that he wear no shirt, but to pull this off the actor would have to be a real skinny mother fucker) He looks to the audience. His stature is as sickly as his appearance.)

CHI-BUNNY Ladies and gentlemen, I bring a parable for your consideration.

(Black out and nothing. Spotlight up on the rabbit again, before him is an elevated block of wood. (in the black, the cross is being moved off))

CHI-BUNNY Blessed be to the chosen one. Blessed be to the one who will protect our christ. Blessed be to the savior of our salvation... But I don't want this!!

(He smashes through the wood (possibly with a slightly comical Bruce Lee sound) Spotlight goes out.)

GOD (Shouting) You have no choice!!!

(Lights up on Chi-Bunny crouching before his God. God is another person with bunny ears, but he is wearing sunglasses (optional to have some kind of extra light on him that gives him some kind of holy glow))

CHI-BUNNY What future have you fated for me, my lord?

GOD I have a very important task for you, my warrior. Your purpose has finally come. Tell me, young one, have you ever wondered of your power?

CHI-BUNNY Yes, my lord.

GOD Have you ever questioned it?

CHI-BUNNY Yes, my lord.

(God strikes Chi-Bunny to the ground with one blow.)

GOD Never question my great plan!! You are because I made you so!!

CHI-BUNNY Then why did you ask?

(God kicks him while he's down.)

GOD Never question! I am omnipresent! I am omniscient! I am omnipotent! You're purpose is not a matter of understanding, it's a matter of obedience!!

CHI-BUNNY (Gasping for air) Yes... my lord.

GOD Much, much better. Your task is to protect my daughter.

CHI-BUNNY Your daughter, my lord?

GOD Yes, my daughter. She exists to spread my good fortune. She spreads love and forgiveness about her. You must make sure nobody disrupts her path.

CHI-BUNNY Yes, my lord.

GOD If anybody comes in her way, strike them dead.

CHI-BUNNY Dead, my lord?

GOD Death is all I'll have for any who shall defile my daughter.

CHI-BUNNY Of course, my lord.

GOD And if you fail me, I will kill you.

(He hesitates)

CHI-BUNNY Yes... My lord.

GOD Very good. (Turns offstage) Come to my side, daughter.

(The girl who hung from the cross comes skipping on stage. She stands with a smile, at attention next to her father, who speaks to her with a father's affection.)

SHE-BUNNY Yes, father?

GOD This is your guardian. He will protect you when you go out into the world, okay?

SHE-BUNNY Yes, father.

GOD (To Chi-Bunny) And you! This is your christ! Never forget the consequences of failure.

(Black out. She-Bunny begins la-la-la in the generic creepy little girl sort of way.)

(Spotlight up on Chi-Bunny. She-Bunny is dancing around him, still singing.)

(He at first has his head up, but as she continues to sing, his head begins to hang lower and lower. She eventually adds words to her singing.)

SHE-BUNNY (Singing) You are saved. You are saved. (repeat until blackout)

(Blackout)

(Lights back up. Chi-Bunny sits as She-Bunny plays on the floor (She could either have a toy of some kind, or she could just roll around, singing and whispering to herself.))

CHI-BUNNY Don't think I haven't been listening. I have. When God tells me that you are my christ, it's a good sign to listen to you. But I've been listening. and there is no rhyme or reason to what you are saying. You just play around. You are no messiah. But... you are beautiful...

(She is clearly not listening. There is a pause, until he shakes himself of those thoughts and gets up.)

CHI-BUNNY And it is her beauty that gets her in the most trouble!! (To She-Bunny) Can't you comprehend yourself! I mean... ( she just keeps playing) Or maybe...

(He walks to the other end of the stage)

CHI-BUNNY But I guess that's why she needs me... She walks around, paying no mind to how she appears to others. she's ignorant to the dangers of... (she looks upon her again) lust... A sin I must forget.

(He turns away again, throwing his head in his hands.)

(A person with some sort of woodland animal clothes on enters, approaching Chi-Bunny)

GORDY 'Ey, bud. Who'd you get permission to be here from?

CHI-BUNNY What?

GORDY This is a private park. You guys can't be here... is she okay?

CHI-BUNNY Ya, she's fine, man. We're fine here, don't worry.

GORDY Who did you get permission from?

CHI-BUNNY Him who you call I am. Get lost.

GORDY (Getting angry) You getting smart with me, asshole?

CHI-BUNNY Listen, boss. I just follow the girl. It doesn't matter where it takes me, and it doesn't matter what you say about it.

GORDY Oh. Well, I'm sure she won't mind leaving... (walks up to She-Bunny)

CHI-BUNNY Trust me... you don't want to talk to her.

GORDY (To She-Bunny) Excuse me, do you mind...

(She gets up to look at him)

CHI-BUNNY Hey! Don't talk to the girl!

GORDY Hey, what's a beautiful girl like you doing in a place like this? (strokes her chin)

CHI-BUNNY Hey!! Don't touch her!!

GOD (OFFSTAGE) Kill Him!!

(Chi Bunny rushes the poor bastard, kneeing him in the back. Gordy goes to his knees, and Chi Bunny cradles his head in his arms.)

CHI-BUNNY I warned you.

(Chi-Bunny breaks Gordy's neck like a twig, letting him fall limp.)

(He rests on his knees, almost mourning the death of his first victim.)

CHI-BUNNY This isn't fair.

(Blackout)

(Spotlight on She-Bunny sleeping on the ground.)

CHI-BUNNY (OUT OF SPOTLIGHT) And as I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep.

(Lights up. Chi-Bunny puts a blanket over She-Bunny while she sleeps.)

CHI-BUNNY This is a good deal for you. Every night I have to set up camp for the two of us. You just get to lie down. I don't get to choose where, I just set up wherever you lie. I must keep you comfy, and prohibit anything from disturbing you. Those are the rules I was given (he sits down) All I can do is sit and look at you. You're all I think about anymore... I don't understand it... (he lies down) Or maybe I do, but it's too much for me to say... (He tries to lie down) Just need to sleep... (a moment) Fucking lust!! (he sits up on his knees) When I close my eyes, I can only see you! When I sleep I can only dream of you!!

(Blackout)

(Spotlight up on Chi-Bunny sitting over She-Bunny's sleeping body.)

(He just breathes deeply, his anger building. He raises his arm to hit her. He begins to scream.)

(Blackout while he's still screaming.)

(Lights up, and he wakes up screaming. She-Bunny is gone.)

CHI-BUNNY She's gone... I lost her... but... (While getting up) for once... I'm at peace. (Suddenly very happy) I can't be tempted when she's not here... Yes... Maybe she was never here. Maybe she was just a dream and I've been stumbling around the city, killing people out of delusion. (He looks around) Maybe I can just leave.

(He begins to walk away, but when he's almost off stage, he begins to walk backward in fear. God comes onstage towards him.)

GOD Do you not remember the bloody consequences of your disobedience? The only reason you should leave this place is to find my daughter! There is no escape from your responsibility.

CHI-BUNNY But... how do I find her, my lord?

GOD It's YOUR job! YOU deal with it! You must hurry, warrior. If anyone touches her, if anyone corrupts her path in the least, you will die.

CHI-BUNNY But... if this is all pre-ordained... what....? I mean... if this is all a matter of your will, and you are omnipotent then why...?

GOD Again, you question me?

CHI-BUNNY I just don't understand why I'm needed, my lord. I don't want this.

GOD It is not your place to understand. It is not your place to want! Your choices are fight for her or die. Why doesn't matter. You don't matter! Now leave.

CHI-BUNNY Yes, my lord.

(Blackout)

(Spotlight up on Chi-Bunny running in place)

GOD Run because you live for me. Run because you love only me. Run because there is no reason. Run because you have no cause. Run just because I say.

(Blackout)

(Lights up on She-Bunny skipping from one side of the stage. A drunk walks in from another side of the stage. He stops as she passes. He begins to walk after her.)

DRINKY 'Ey, girly. Where you comin' from?

(She stops and turns around

DRINKY I betcher a libra, ain'tcha. Heh heh heh.

(as he chuckles, stumbling around, Chi-Bunny rushes him, punching him in the back, sending him to the ground. With a mighty growl, he dives at Drinky. Lights go out.)

(Lights come back on. Drinky is dead, covered in a horrible amount of blood. She-Bunny is spattered with blood. Chi-Bunny's hands are covered in the blood.)

(He looks to her. She is still smiling. She looks at the blood on the ground, fascinated. She reaches her hand down, but Chi-Bunny grabs it.)

CHI-BUNNY Don't touch that! (He sees her smiling face.) He... he's dead. Don't you understand that?

SHE-BUNNY (Gives him a hug) Don't worry. You are saved.

CHI-BUNNY (Turns away, crouching down, his hands on his head) Don't you ever stop smiling?

(Blackout)

(Spotlight up on Chi-Bunny. He stands, slouched, fists clenched, breathing heavily. (Optional: As he breathes more and more, blood splatters from both sides, covering him.))

(Blackout)

(God enters the middle of the stage. (During this segment, Chi-Bunny and She-Bunny could be getting cleaned up for the next scene.))

GOD My mind reals. I look back upon times and times over. Back before men would walk and chew gum at the same time. Back before less than two men could screw in the light-bulb. Back before someone, who came before someone, else wondered about who came before them. I look back at times before cure. I look back at times before my believers believed me. Back before ejaculate stopped meaning speaking out in public. Before the time when "for unlawful carnal knowledge" was bleeped out on t.v. stations. Before the times people would deliberate over other's deliberations there was possibly a slim chance of creation. On that day I decided to create the Earth and sky and water and the Arc de Triomphe and sand and Leonardo Divinci and Velcro and doubt. Before that, there is no memory. I don't know what created me. Maybe his name is Creoterac. Creoterac the unbelievably powerful. Creoterac commands all of space and time and all of my decisions. He commands my every will. He helps me make the pigs fly and the birds shit on children's heads. If it wasn't for Creoterac there would be a great emptiness in my eternal life. I love you Creoterac, and I will enjoy being the only one in your heaven.

(Blackout)

(Spotlight up on She-Bunny. She stands upon a soap box. Clears her throat and begins to preach.)

SHE-BUNNY Listen now, for all are saved. All listening, and all seeing my holy presence now know redemption and can laugh. Laugh for you know you cannot be dragged to the depths of hell by your heavy sin. My presence has cleared your slate, so you may make marry with your friends, wrestle with your brothers and make love to your wives with a clean conscience. Let your mind not wander to the trespasses of days old, for you are forgiven. Yay!

(Blackout)

(Lights up on She-Bunny sleeping, Chi-Bunny is just lying down)

CHI-BUNNY (After a moment) It's still night. (He turns to her.) I can't help but stare at you. (He shakes himself, and quickly sits up.) Goddamn lust!! (He is at first tense, his head in his hands, but he relaxes, surrendering to his thoughts. He looks at her) I wish I could have you. (He gets frustrated) Stop! (He gets up, yelling at her) I hate you for being so beautiful!! (a moment, then he relaxes) But she just sleeps. (He winces) Lust!! (There is a long moment. He relaxes again, and once again, surrenders to it. He looks at She-Bunny, then all around, then up) Maybe God is sleeping... (he walks toward She-Bunny) Maybe he can't see.

(Chi-Bunny walks over to She-Bunny and shakes her awake)

SHE-BUNNY Good morning.

CHI-BUNNY I can't sleep. You want to talk?

SHE-BUNNY Sure. Over there (motions to the edge of the stage)

(They sit.)

SHE-BUNNY You are saved.

CHI-BUNNY Thanks.

SHE-BUNNY Don't thank me, thank God.

CHI-BUNNY Ya... anyway... um... I was wondering... what do you think of me.

SHE-BUNNY You are holy and worthy of heaven, just like all of God's creatures.

CHI-BUNNY Okay... but I mean, what do you think of me as your guardian and stuff.

SHE-BUNNY You are a wonderful guardian, and for your efforts, shall bask in God's glow.

CHI-BUNNY How about your personal opinion? What do you think of me?

SHE-BUNNY My opinion is irrelevant to the will of my God. For he is great and strong.

CHI-BUNNY Don't feel you can't speak your mind because dad's opinion is different. Be yourself for once. He can't stop you. He's not watching. If he was truly omnipresent, he would have stopped this conversation from even happening.

SHE-BUNNY I'll forgive you for blasphemy. Your slate is clean.

CHI-BUNNY Okay... but...

SHE-BUNNY Worry not of how I feel about you. Your salvation is all that matters. Others around you are not your concern. You are you and they are they.

CHI-BUNNY But I-

SHE-BUNNY You are saved-

(He immediately kisses her.)

CHI-BUNNY What do you have to say about that?

SHE-BUNNY Nothing.

(She pulls him on top of her and they start making out)

(Blackout)

(Spotlight up on Chi-Bunny)

CHI-BUNNY Cut down the city tree! Punch your boss! Lie to your wife! Rob your congressman! Fuck your cousin! Shoot your neighbors dog! To hell with the consequences! Live fast! Die young! Blame your parents! I am tired of apologizing! I am tired of fear! Hey God! Your daughter is the best lay I ever had! And I love her! I am happy in spite of you! Kill me! I'm tired God... so put me to bed... I think I can sleep.

(Lights up. Chi-Bunny holds a fighting stance, She-Bunny is watching)

CHI-BUNNY Remember, the most important thing to know about killing a man with your bare hands is to never stop. If you stop punching, kicking or whatever, they might still be alive.

SHE-BUNNY So... I just keep attacking until they are dead.

CHI-BUNNY Yes. How do you know if they are dead?

SHE-BUNNY Caved in head. Broken open chest. Exposed organs. Fractured spine. Significant blood loss.

CHI-BUNNY Very good, but I usually don't stop until at least two of those requirements are filled.

SHE-BUNNY So, are you going to show me how to fight now?

CHI-BUNNY Of course not!

SHE-BUNNY Why not?

CHI-BUNNY These are martial arts, not martial crafts. I just teach you the basics, you come up with your own style.

SHE-BUNNY I wouldn't even know where to start.

CHI-BUNNY It's like a dance, but the difference is, you can perform a dance more than once, but no fight is ever the same way twice. You'll get it. Soon enough, you'll be equal to all the masters. Soon, art collectors will look upon your kicks and punches, wishing there was a way to materialize it and put it up on their wall. Coroners and cemetery workers try to sell your victims on the black market for fortunes of cash.

SHE-BUNNY So... why do we need to do this?

CHI-BUNNY God wanted me to take care of you, but now we can take care of you together. You won't need me when I'm gone.

SHE-BUNNY Oh.

(Blackout)

(Spotlight up on Chi-Bunny)

CHI-BUNNY Or maybe I just want to share something with you.

(Spotlight moves to She-Bunny)

SHE-BUNNY Okay... what kind of kick is unique to only me?... what kind of punch is representative to me as a person?... How can I express my inner beauty while tearing a person's head off? (She attempts some wild move and falls) Art is hard.

(Blackout)

(Spotlight up on Chi-Bunny walking with She-Bunny, holding hands)

SHE-BUNNY Here. We can sleep here.

CHI-BUNNY Here? Why here?

SHE-BUNNY 'Cause it's nice.

CHI-BUNNY Y'know, ya can't do this anymore.

SHE-BUNNY 'Cause why?

CHI-BUNNY 'Cause God doesn't exist, silly.

SHE-BUNNY No, he doesn't seem to, does he?

CHI-BUNNY If he did, I'd be dead.

SHE-BUNNY So much for Daddy. Come and sleep with me.

CHI-BUNNY Not now, baby. You get some sleep. I'll look after you. I'm a little wired right now.

SHE-BUNNY I've been developing my art.

CHI-BUNNY Good, hon. Maybe we'll get a chance to exhibit it soon.

(She sleeps)

(Blackout)

(Spotlight on Chi-Bunny)

CHI-BUNNY I can't believe it. I'm free. Is he gone now? Is he dead? Why am I free? Why can I have her? It must be true... I'm truly free... God doesn't exist!!!

(Blackout)

(Horrible screaming begins)

(Lights up. Chi-Bunny has fallen asleep. She-Bunny is asleep)

(A group of four guys come around.)

STU 'Ey. Check this fool out.

CHRIS Sheeit. I hate these hobo pieces of crap!

ORVIL Get a house you piece of homeless shit!

DALE Hey you guys! Homeless Joe's got a biddy.

(Chi-Bunny and She-Bunny get up)

ORVIL Wow. This is one fine ass bitch.

STU Hey! Don't be callin' 'em bitches! That ain't cool... So... who wants first.

CHI-BUNNY I'm only warning you assholes once. You won't leave here alive if you keep going.

CHRIS We're runnin' a train on your girlfriend homey, and there ain't a goddamn thing you can do about it.

CHI-BUNNY Not before I kill every single one of you idiots.

(They all roll up on him)

STU Ya? And just how were you intending to do this?

(She-Bunny sneaks up behind Stu and breaks his neck.)

(The rest of the thugs chase her off stage. She backs up quickly, still facing them.)

CHI-BUNNY I'll let her go at it. This is just practice for her. She makes such beautiful art in such wonderful shades of red.

(God enters)

GOD Funny how you keep finding ways to romanticizing your own sin.

CHI-BUNNY Wait... hey! You don't exist!

GOD Don't I?

CHI-BUNNY You said if I ever lead your daughter astray, you'd kill me.

GOD Won't I?

CHI-BUNNY I don't understand! Why not earlier? Why now? Why now after I'm finally happy?

GOD Don't you see? I intended all of this! It's preordained. All of this is already decided.

CHI-BUNNY I... what?

GOD Yes! All part of the plan

CHI-BUNNY Why? Why me? Why do you want me to go to Hell so bad?

GOD I am God! I am not one for you to understand! I am above you! I am your ruler! It doesn't matter why!!

(She-Bunny comes onstage. Covered in blood (possibly holding a body part in her hands))

SHE-BUNNY What's going on?

CHI-BUNNY Get back, baby. Every thing's alright.

GOD My daughter... Covered in infidel's sperm and innocent's blood. What I must do now pains me so.

SHE-BUNNY Who... are you?

GOD All part of the plan.

(Lights go out, and Chi-Bunny screams. The lights flicker on and off as Chi- Bunny holds a dead She-Bunny. The lights continue to flicker with Chi- Bunny's scream until they come up on one and start fading slowly.)

CHI-BUNNY But you said you would kill me!

(Lights are totally out. Only darkness)

CHI-BUNNY Answer me!!

(Lights up on Chi-Bunny Clutching himself closely, rocking back and forth on the ground. God steps beside him)

GOD Do you recognize my power now, guardian?

CHI-BUNNY Yes.

GOD Yes what?

CHI-BUNNY Yes... My lord.

GOD Very good. (Turns offstage) Come to my side, daughter.

(She-Bunny comes skipping on stage. She stands with a smile, at attention next to her father, who speaks to her with a father's affection.)

SHE-BUNNY Yes, father?

CHI-BUNNY What?

GOD This is your guardian. He will protect you when you go out into the world, okay?

SHE-BUNNY Yes, father.

CHI-BUNNY You... you're alive?

SHE-BUNNY Yes, alive and holy. Holy like every thing on this Earth, and we are all saved.

CHI-BUNNY You... No... No!

SHE-BUNNY Have I upset you? I didn't mean to make bad first impressions. Fear not. You are saved.

CHI-BUNNY This isn't fair.

SHE-BUNNY You are saved.

CHI-BUNNY This isn't fair!!!

(Black out)

GOD C'est la vis, mother fucker!!!

(Close Curtain)

(THEND)