This is another one of those things i have been wanting to put in here for a while, but am hesitant to do so. It might ruin my reputation.

So i am warning you all right now that what i am about to divulge has no bearing on my ultra rad self-ness. It is just weird.

You know that old ploy men pull; the i've got a baby with me cuz it'll help me pick up chics - thing? Well it just doesn't work on me--mainly b/c i am not all drawn to babies. Gaa Gaa Goo Goo barf.

Well i have met my match.

2 of the coolest people i know recently procreated. i was scared. i had previously known them as individuals. Super --and i do mean red yellow and blue Super-- cool folk. Radness personified. Then they combined their genetics into one smaller compact version of the 2 of them together.

feebz is going: ummmmmm

i have seen lots of pregnant people, ok they were all pregnant women, excpet for arnold schwarzenegger that one time, man what a butch chic Professor Trelawney is, anyway-- i have never gone gaa gaa goo goo for it. i never cared. in fact i was more often repulsed than even apathetic. But this couple. Man, i just smiled so big it hurt everytime i saw them. Or one of them. And she is so adorable in such a real way that i am half convinced that she is a living doll, more alive than any of us. And she was about to pop her stuffing.

i couldn't believe i was actually anxious about it. But i heard the news and was almost in tears and i hadn't seen anybody yet. Weird i tell ya. weird.

So i am standing there talking to new-daddy when he tells me that li'l super-kid is on his way, with mommy, grammy and the fateful uncle monkey in tow. i waited.

i waited an hour.

then they showed. motherhood suits mommy. her perfect doll's face was just as perfect as ever with that sewn-on smile just stuck there. wow. seriously never seen that before.

and then uncle monkey. (Cue foreboding music)

mommy's brother came in carrying 11 days of prepotentent radness

(is that a word?--it is now)

there was no baby talk. nobody started acting like an animal, or like a retard, at least no more so than they had 9 months prior. But there was a whole nother center of gravity in that 10 foot diameter. Even i--the almighty shortest--was subject to its awe.

i never got close to the babies in my family. my mother used to tell me that i insulted the mothers by not holding their children. but i never wanted to, and i still dont see any social value in doing so against one's will. critters smaller than me arrive and i depart. that's just the way it works.

so i was really nervous about being anywhere near this gravitational smile-force. banter went on all round me, with me even, but i was riveted to the silent face-making bundle in uncle monkey's arms. And scared to be so close to the super nova.

you know how some stars are binary systems? well li'l gravitron himself had a binary partner in uncle monkey.

now i don't go for that touchy feely sensitive man hogwash. i like my men hairy, burly, hungry and gruff. now picture wolverine holding a newborn. yeah doesn't work for me either. you see the diaper-clad in the arms of someone less likely to floss bugs out of their teeth.

now uncle monkey is neither a hogwash man, nor wolverine. he's your average joe, somewhere in the middle. The guy who makes up for his lackings in the handsome and dashing department with an abundance of inane knowledge and wit. Wear glasses? yes. Card carrying member of the nerd club? no. he's a closet member, a weekender, in the reserves. much like many of those i call my dear friends. not the type to draw my fire.

but every time he looked up from the 3rd member of the dynamic duo to meet my eyes, i was feeling a whole nother magnetism.

we were all getting sucked into the black hole. it was starting to look like a group hug in the personal space addictives therapy group when mommy says: you think that blanket is soft? touch his face.

i froze.

touch? we're never in the same room as the human larvae, let alone this close. and she wants me to touch superboy?

clearly i have a tickertape on my forehead. either that or a comic thot cloud over my head displaying my thots to mommy who then says: it's just a touch, you can't hurt him.

i'm stuttering when uncle monkey holds out his hand and says: here i'll help

i look up at him--he's a normal dude i never thot a half a thot about before, but now i am having more than one at a time--he's looking back at me with a clear gaze

and i still cant believe i put my hand in his

not the most intimate of moments for anyone, but i'm not a touchy person. if i am comfortable enuf to make rogue contact, you can bet i think highly of you, and not just b/c you're bound to be taller than me. (val being the obvious exception to this)

truly li'l beetelguese's cheek was the softest thing i'd ever heard tell of in my universe or any other, and the sparkler laffed at me when i touched him. now that i tell you is a cool kid, destined to be paragon of heroic coolness as soon as he's old enuf to walk.

but when my hand drew away from his rosy wee cheek and uncle monkey's hand hesitated with mine own in its gentle-but-firm grasp i was headed for a planet of other thots at maximum warp. and in about the time it takes light to travel from my hand to my head i realized what i was thinking and drew back my hand.

uncle monkey had the kindness to look surprised, as if holding hands was the most natural thing in the world.

well maybe on his planet it is.

so my conclusion is that i must have been on vacation in rome, doin' like the romans do, cuz on my planet, holding a baby does not make a guy more attractive.

i still can't believe i let him touch me, on the hand of all places...willlingly. this just begs the question: what kind of mind controlling powers does li'l baby X have?