Often as I stare out into an empty sea, I wonder my place within this world and ponder that very essence that spawned me. I thought of the childhood that saw me through to now, a time of infinite unanswered questions and yearn for freedom. Childhood was that time of discovering the true person that I am and simply beginning to understand that I stood on two feet. I thought of the limitless possibilities to move forward and progress into the future, though never ceased to dwell on the negativity of the past. It was not sown into my flesh, yet I blindly sustained it the power to influence me and constantly change my world.

I watched the world around me, feeling at such a tender age that all incidents were of my wrongdoing, such as the waves crashing against the rocky edge, loitering within the rock pools and foaming upon impact of dry, barren sand. I felt the grains of sand crunch beneath my toes as I travelled along the shoreline, throwing my gaze afar, almost as if hoping I would be seen by one drowning and save their life. Only then would I feel the absent self-esteem which is rightfully validated by the self. Even sandcastles represented a refuge for the seas, a haven for defenceless marine life and for my heart. With these creatures I felt equality, unity. Having never spoken, they could never argue – but if they could, what would they say? If they could hear my words, would they understand my confusion? Sometimes I even felt like running into that glorious sea and stealing the spotlight, just to be heard, just to be known.

No, there was something greater that I wished to attain, yet lacked the words to vocalise my feelings. I wished I could take off the loose binding chain of the devil and live the way I saw the world do so. The world was my great, maternal figure – constantly refreshing with new ideas and a broad spectrum of experiences, all devoid in the true parent of mine who dwelled in the same negativity that immobilised me, the power of the devil. The true parent had knowledge and wisdom paralleled by the world, but with unequalled assurance. Sometimes the world would lead me to strife and confusion, but the true parent was always right. That is not to say I was never bewildered by the true parent, but the teachings were vague and subtle. No, neither the true parent nor the world could decide these answers for me, they must be discovered from within. Looking back on the past now, on having to abandon my sandcastle and marine friends, having to abandon the great mother known as the sea and leave my childhood behind, sometimes I am relived that I had done so. One single idea or perspective of life could not have sustained me a lifetime, but constantly changing and rearranging ideas and perceptions is required. There is never a technicality in growing with age, and never are our old favourites lost. For as long as my ocean mother always remains, everything’s not lost.