Screaming for Solace

Internally screaming for solace

Entwined in a sea of fear

Trapped in the void of "love"

The emptiest emotion I can feel

You draw closer in my nightmares

And I whisper your name as I

Bawl with raw emotion and horror

At what I should be grateful for

Rings, roses, and pearls, why?

Why do I want these things so much?

I shout to drive the wishes from my mind

Why do I want to hurt this much?

I try to withdraw myself from you

But I want love more each day

Wanting someone to care, to show me

That it's more than an evil lie

Shouting for my freedom, I run away

Just in free fall from my darkest fear

Fearing marital so-called bliss

And the empty trap of words

You reach for my fragile body

To shatter my porcelain spirit

Figuratively killing me more each day

And coming back to hurt me more

Hurt me by trying to love me

I look at you with the eyes of a child

Fearful of the one who decides my fate

And I pull myself down and tear

As I fall, you don't bother to catch me

I'm nothing to you, but a girl

The other half to an intolerable attraction

And you fade along with me

In my last few moments I see your eyes

And the evil glow is gone from them

You're a human being, trying to be happy

Only human eyes stare back at me

And the eyes are welling up with tears

For what we never could have had

For what I never wanted and always feared

And knowing that nothing will come

For the first time in our lives together

I feel as if I'm somehow safe

Not knowing where I'll wake up

If I'll ever wake up again

My eyes reopen to a room full of white

Sterile scented, covered in syringes

My spirit clinging to a frozen body

And I whisper your name over and over

Surrounded in bandages and bruises

Entombed with casts and "get wells"

My body doesn't matter anymore

At this moment, you don't see my appearance

You look at me, and are as terrified as I was

Terrified that you'll lose me forever

And all you want is for me to hold on

Even if it means never seeing you again

And that human glow returns to your eyes

As I see you for who you really are

And for that moment, my body broken

I know that you love me

I know that they'll fix my body

But you fixed my spirit and my heart

Please, just take me home again

Be there for me, I need you again

My bandages are slowly unraveled

And my syringes are pulled out

One by one, needle by needle

And you stay by my side

I slowly sit up and make my way out

Into the car that is now ours

Heading for the house I can call ours

As I embrace the love that is ours

And somehow I feel beautiful again

Gashes covering my arms and legs

Hideous scars of my own creation

All beautiful in your eyes

Because my body will heal one day

And I'll know that in that moment

You did more than chocolates

And flowers ever could

You loved me for me