This is what happens when I get depressed, am listening to Dropkick
Murphey, and I want to write but I don't want to get really descriptive and
detailed, just want to write something and get it out. Go figure.
" What's wrong?"
His shadow falls over me. But I don't bother to look up because I
know who he is, why he's there.
" You are a liar."
He sits down in front of me on the other side of the stone picnic
table that I had chosen to sit on.
" Only with you."
I'm tired. I don't want to talk to him. But he won't go away, and I
know he won't until I tell him what's wrong with me. I don't know to start.
" I'm lonely."
" Then go and interact with people."
I shake my head. It's not that easy.
" It's not that easy."
" Why not? Tell me how hard it is to go and talk to people."
I don't raise my eyes to him, because I know that that's what he
wants. He wants me to look at him. I won't do it. If I do, I'll get
suckered in again. It was hard getting out last time. I won't be able to
get out again.
" I can't talk to people. They want to know things about me, what I
like and when my birthday is and what I watch on tv."
I shake my head again, making it so that my hair falls over my face,
in case he's trying to sneak peeks at me.
" I don't want them to know, because so many other people already
know. I just want to talk to someone who already knows those things about,
" They left you."
I'm shocked into looking up at him, and he is not looking at me, but
over to the picnic that I had just left.
" Or rather, you left them. When you planned this whole big thing,
you weren't planning on being a part of it, were you?"
I nodded. I hadn't wanted to be at the party that I had thrown for
some reason. I made it fun, I made it everything that anyone could want in
a party, but I hadn't wanted to be part of it.
" You're leaving again, aren't you?"
I nod again, because this time he's asking the question and I only
have to answer them.
" Please don't."
Shaking my head, I stand up and pick up my backpack.
" I don't have a choice. I have to leave. I hae ta."
I hated slipping into my accent in front of him, because he had
always thought that it was the cutest thing about me, but at times of great
stress it came whether or not I wanted to.
" You don't have to. I'll talk to them, make them understand-"
I hit him in the face, not hard, but it was something I had never
done before and so it shut him up.
" I'm leavin' and there's naught you can do about it."
I reached out to touch his face, where I had slapped him, as in an
apology, but he flinched and so I didn't touch him.
" You don't understand, boyo. I'm leavin' because nobody listens
anymore when I sing. You canna know how that hurts me, you canna begin to
understand. My songs are meant to be listened to, to be sang along with,
not this background music that its been turned into."
I think it was the most that I had ever said to him in a single
sentance, and I was proud for some reason. The look on his face was almost
as if he understood me for once.
" I'm leavin' now. Don't you dare try an' stop me."
I turned to go and a pair of arms enveloped me like a warm blanket.
He hugged me as close to him as my pack would allow, and he held onto me
for a very long time. Tears fought in my eyes as I tried to take his hands
off me, but he wouldn't let me go, so I stood there and let him cry
silently into my hair, huggin me to him. I knew he expected me to say
something, but I kept myself quiet.
" I'm leavin'."
I said this with finality in my voice and he let me go. I went a few
steps to make sure that he wasn't going to latch onto me again, and then I
walked out of the park, past the party that I had planned and people were
having fun at. I walked, and I didn't look back.