I had stopped crying, tears run out for now, and I still lay upon the
ground, my cheek pressed to the cool tile. The dark marks were now dry,
still ashes marking me, marking my pain and marking your rejection. My
breathing was steady now, different from the hurried sobs before. Lucas. My
sweet Lucas, I loved you so much. What was the truth? In all of this, there
had been so many lies, so many deceptions, and now, all I wanted was the
You loved me that was what I knew; I knew it with all of my being. You
had said it before, when we were together, but that night, that night you
had lied to me. You had refused to admit our love. And you were still
refusing, denying your true feelings; feelings that I knew had me in your
heart. I was in your heart, silly, foolish, out of place me, with my
romantic notions and my embarrassing tendencies to laugh too loudly, to
dance in public. All of my faults, my hatred for my Father, my stubborn
nature, my dislike for shoes or corsets, everything, my imperfections that
made me myself, you loved them as well. Why did you have to listen to him?
I hated him, with his overly dressy suits and his permanent cigar, lit and
in place. Smoke curling by his ears as he charmed everyone, except for me,
I saw past his silky charisma. He was Satan, yet he accused me of having
satanic blood? Idiot.
You were being an idiot for listening to him.idiot. Oh, I was being an
idiot now for hoping on something that was hopeless. Was it hopeless? Oh,
Lucas, how I loved you, how I needed it not to be hopeless. How could one
being enrapture me so, entangle me in this mess of emotions and devotion.
My whole life, I had fallen in love with the sound of rain, the taste of
fresh orchard fruits, the song of birds, the blessing of a baby's smile,
the alluring beat of music surrounding me, but never had I loved someone,
since my mother. And I had fallen in love with you, I had been swept away
by your desire for something greater, something you seemed to find in my
On shaky legs I stood and walked to the door of my balcony. Opening
it, I shivered as the night air touched me. It was raining softly, just a
bare little tingle against my shoulders, bare, one strap of my under dress
had shifted. My bare feet tickled the surface, and I stood, staring out at
all that was this place. This place confined me, my Father's land. The
orchards, the fields, the gardens, all well kept, showing his wealth and
predominance, not as grand as your Father's, but still rich. He was rich
enough to be accepted, even when his own daughter was not. I was never
accepted to the parties, with the other girls, the other girls who had been
raised to be the perfect wives and mothers, I had raised myself to be the
perfect me. They had never understood me. He had never understood me. But
you, you understood more than anyone. You understood me more than I really
understood myself sometimes. You understood why I felt resentment towards
my Father, you understood why I craved acceptance, though hated wanting it,
and you understood the loneliness and the sorrow of my mother's death.
"Mama." I whispered. How I wanted to see her, to have her smooth back
my unruly mane of night and comfort me, to tickle my sides, to hold me
close, and to tell me that it would be all right. She was an Angel now,
dancing among the stars, through my dreams and memories. Compelled, I
climbed, so I was standing on the edge of my balcony, my feet gripping the
wet frame. I spread my arms, fallen angel, I could just move forward, an
inch, jump, and end this internal suffering. End all thoughts of you, all
thoughts of you and her, join my mother in the stars. Join Mama, it was
addicting, this thought. Without realizing it, I had begun to cry again.
Silent tears, the rain had helped disguise them at first, but now I could
feel their heat.
"Lucas." I spoke your name out loud. It echoed through the night. MY
words became choked with feeling. "Lucas, am I to be your fallen angel?" I
was screaming now, "Is this what you want? Do you want me to fall? Should I
be your fallen angel, Lucas?"
"No." My breath caught and I turned to face you. My footing slipped,
and it was then that I saw you, your clothes wet, your hair dripping, your
expression tortured. I started to slip backwards and my eyes searched yours
as my body lurched forwards and backwards, unstable now. I heard a sound
slip from my mouth, your name, was I to be your fallen angel? My body
tilted backwards and I grasped for something anything, there was nothing.
But then I was in your arms, somehow you had managed to reach me,
reach between the empty space and you were warm, real, solid. And my heart
was pounding and I was shaking, shivering and weeping in your strong arms.
"Lucas." All I could do was repeat your name.
"Senia." Your voice answered, trembling just as mine. You held me
tighter, your hands cradling my head, running through my hair. "I almost
lost you." You kissed my lips hurriedly, "I almost lost you."
"Why are you here?" I asked, sense beginning to pour its way into my
"I have to tell you the truth. The real truth, Senia, the truth that
is, I love you. It's time for me to stop lying. I was a coward for what I
said, for what I did, for denying what was in my heart, what is in my heart
and it's you. I was a coward for hurting you, for making you almost." Your
eyes searching my face as your hands grasped my shoulders, "God, I love you
more than you'll ever know, I love you for everything you are, for your
blood, for the gypsy inside you. My Father.he'll never understand, he'll
never accept you or our children, and he'll never accept us. And that
scared me, because I've always been accepted, by everyone. It's always been
easy to follow his plan, his rules, because nothing was worth defying him.
But you are worth defying everyone."
I was crying, happy tears now, bitter tears, but happy. Bittersweet.
You continued on, "I know I was a coward, a fool. But we can run away from
this, we can run away from them, we can be together, Senia, together for
all eternity. I love you. I tried to forget you, to erase you, to replace
you, but I can't. Senia, you are the air I breathe, you are my essence, and
you complete me. I've never loved deeper than this and I don't think I can.
You are so deep in my heart, I can feel your pain, I can feel your
suffering, I can feel your love. You are a part of me. I looked in the
mirror, and I could see my Father in my face, but I could see myself, and I
was stronger. You are the one that showed me myself, you are the one that
showed me I could be stronger than him. Run away with me, God, please, run
away with me."
My lips were upon yours and it was raining, harder now, as I cried,
drinking in your taste. I loved you. You loved me. Your fingers caressed my
face, as we broke apart. "You taste like honey." You whispered, testing my
"You taste like happy tears." Your smile warmed me, despite the
chilling rain. The rain that was pounding around us, as if in rhythm with
our love, and then.
You let me out of your arms and I was suddenly freezing, why had you
let me go? I reached out for you, unsure of what was happening, you shot me
a reassuring grin and my knees felt weak. When did you become capable of
that? Since the day I met you. You lowered yourself on one knee, holding my
hand in yours; you lowered your gentle lips to kiss my knuckles, rough from
climbing trees and cooking. "Be mine, Senia, for eternity and a day."
I didn't answer, didn't think, all I could do was feel. My philosophy
for life. I threw myself into your arms and I knew everything was all
right. For we would be married and we would have gypsy children, with both
of our blood, with their Father's green eyes and their Mother's dark skin.
Beautiful children, shadows of their parents, beautiful and wild. Just like