A/N: This is a very random story co-written by Madness' Daughter, who helped with the quote and many of the random things in this story. We have nothing against the Scottish, or Oompa-Loompas, or Green Badgers, or, well, the list could go on and on. So let's just leave it at the fact that we have nothing against anything in this story. The quote at the beginning is from Phil Sorrentino, Faith's International Relations teacher.

Madness' Daughter's A/N: WOO-HOO! Fear us, for The Great Ones (i.e., Myself and Guitar Dude) have finally made an alliance! That's right, kids, we're collaborating. Be afraid. Be very afraid. And no, we weren't smoking anything. I swear. Really.

Japanese Ninja Santa Claus:

"All hail the Japanese Ninja Santa Claus! If you mess with him, like many infidels have found out, he will karate chop you in DANGEROUS PLACES! ...Like EYES!" - The Scottish Techno Bible --

No one would have ever expected it. Well, some might have, but they were quickly shunned as idiots or French people. Even the almighty Green Badger himself couldn't see this one coming. And the Green Badger knows all. Who could've known that the Scottish would have started the battle to end all battles? The "War Of The Guys in Skirts and The Oompa-Loompas".

Well, ok, so maybe people would've expected it from the Oompa- Loompas. Those things are whack. But honestly... the Scottish? They don't DO anything. Ever. But, to get to the good squishy part of the story; It started on a really antithetical sort of day for a war to start on. It wasn't Bright and Sunny, or Dramatically Stormy, or anything like that. It was just... kind of... a day. It was pretty boring, to be honest with you - about 74 degrees, slight breeze, partly cloudy with a 36% chance of showers later in the evening.

The Scottish never knew that the Oompa-Loompas preferred 74-degree days to attack. Sad, really. If they had only seen the Oompa-Loompas' history of battle. They would leave the battle if the thermometers were not hovering just below the 75 marks. However, this is the Scottish we're talking about, so you can't expect that much. But to make a boring story interesting, there was one x-factor. There was one warrior that only those who had obtained Supreme Scottish-ism (yes, they were that devoted to the Way Of The Kilt) spoke of. However, that is jumping ahead quite a bit. It all started with one dreaded party, thrown by those two unpopular Scottish boys in the corner, later known as The Scottish Techno Rap iPoodles. They were to throw a party, a BIG party, which would be able to accommodate the entire population of Scotland (a.k.a. the population of Rhode Island).

Because, you see, Scotland invaded Rhode Island a good while ago - around 1834. But no one really cared... because it was Rhode Island. And the Scottish. That's why the rest of the United States ignores Rhode Island, and the government likes to pretend it doesn't exist - they don't like to admit that they let someone invade us. Not just someone, though, THE SCOTTISH invaded us. Shameful! Those crazy Scots.

But ANYWAY. This party was being held for no particular reason, other than to do what Scots love to do best - Dance around in kilts, and drink a lot. The Scottish Techno Rap iPoodles, or STRiP for short, were big fans of the dancing in kilts and the drinking. Except vodka, because that's from Russia, and no one likes Russia anyway. STRiP was having a hard time finding a suitable facility for their party, though, until they started looking around in Canada (Because no one wants to live in Canada, there's plenty of room). Unfortunately, unbeknownst to them, Canada is where all the Oompa-Loompas live (Shhh, don't tell anyone. It's a national secret. They were so traumatized by working with Willy Wonka in that dreadful movie, that the US government shipped them off to Canada with hefty yearly pensions in order to keep them from revolting. The US government isn't always as stupid as it looks. THEY know how dangerous Oompa-Loompas are).

So the Scottish tried to swim over to Canada. Yes, they were in Rhode Island, but the water route was quicker (and safer. Ever tried walking long distances in a kilt?) They were unsuccessful, however, because everyone knows that the Scottish can't swim (and if you didn't know that, we want you to wear a foam finger on your head so we know who you are). Then an idea hit them like a frying pan (literally). You see, Mamma Scotland was sick and tired of her children living in such a crummy country. So, unbeknownst to her husband the Green Badger, she made the sky rain frying pans. One Scottish man (whose name has been deleted to protect him) figured out that said frying pans float. So, they piled their surveillance teams into the frying pans (it was very cramped), and shipped them off to Canada.

STRiP was happy about this, because it meant that they didn't have to provide transportation to their party, which was being held in a giant igloo in Northern Canada, near the Super-Secret Oompa-Loompa Underground Compound. Needless to say, though, the Oompa-Loompas, who're extremely territorial, weren't too happy about this. They didn't want to share their US Government-issued land with ANYONE else, not even animals. They swarmed over any polar bears that crossed the borders.

The Oompa-Loompas were ferocious. They attacked all of the Scottish men and women that came via frying pan. The Oompa-Loompas assaulted and started to chew on the Scottish's shins, which were left unprotected due to the kilts. After living on candy and sweets at the Wonka factory for all of their life, the meat tasted good. Two hours later, the Oompa-Loompas were wiping their hands with the kilts. Only one Scottish man got away, and he leapt into his frying pan, and drifted away to warn his comrades of the cannibalistic Oompa-Loompas.