HEADLINING! CANADA INVADES THE UNITED STATES!

February, 2004

The Prime Minister’s cabinet has unanimously decided to invade the United States. There is not one reason as to why Canada has decided to invade our Southern neighbours, in fact, the extensive list of grievances was cut rather short, as each member of the cabinet only had ten fingers to count on. The plausible reasons for an invasion are as follows: (1) Unhealthy cuisine causing severe morbid obesity. As a result, all Dunkin Donuts, Denny’s and Bob Evan’s “eating” establishments are to be rolled to the ground by all the overweight civilians. (2) The leadership of the country is somewhat…lacking. President George “Dubya” Bush has every quality of an elephant: large, lots of power behind him, big ears, slow and no personality. His decisions are rather mindless and leave the average Canadian stupefied at the pure, unadulterated imbecility of them. (3) Gun control- there is none. The Canadian cabinet suggests that all firearms in the United States should be exchanged for Supersoakers and other smaller water pistols, as the only times Americans use guns are to solve petty arguments and such problems could be resolved with a cold blast of water. It worked with the student riots in the ‘60s. (4) Assimilation and elimination of all culture is simply a useless destruction of dignity and humanism. To remedy this obscenity, all Canadian invaders will be of a heritage other than Canadian. (5) Starting too many wars with countries that ought to be left alone. The United States has a really big problem with this, and should refrain from any belligerent behaviour. The rest of the world will respect this, and perhaps everyone will stop despising America if they stop being so egotistical. And finally, (6) Strong dislike towards anything blatantly Canadian. This attitude is highly unacceptable. To fix this, 75% of Canada’s lumberjacks and mounties will cross the border and settle in American towns. Once implanted in their ‘culture’ they will start new hockey teams, open pubs serving only Molsen Canadian beer, wear Canadian flags on all outerwear and backpacks and own beavers as pets. This course of action ought to rot those bigots from the inside out.

With these reasons for invasion, the cabinet will finish tweaking all the paperwork and immediately put their plan into action. All this should happen by May 2026 at the soonest, as the definition of ‘soon’ in Canadian politics tends to mean not soon at all.