Chasing Rainbows

The worst part of being high, she decided, collapsing dejectedly on the couch was that moment in the night when suddenly reality hit you in the gut. Shoving air clear out of a person's body, leaving them with nothing but the sting of flourescent lights against sore eyes.

Her pupils swam, struggling to regain focus, blurry objects moved around the room, voices bouncing off her techno assaulted eardrums, like high frequency beats in another repetitive turn table mixed melody.

"Panda, you alright?" She glanced up at the sound of her nickname, a slight groan escaping her cotton candy colored lips as the bones in her neck gave way to distinctive cracks.

"Fine Trey," she managed, her voice cracking as her throat begged for water, "Just crashing you know?" Her friend came into focus, bright orange hair, bracelet covered arms, rainbow colors dancing across the baggy pants that adorned his legs, white t-shirt that smelled distinctly of sweat.

"You want anything else?" He asked, a silly grin on his face.

"I wanna sleep," She answered, "Got blankets?"

"Weren't you going to go home tonight?"

"I was, but then, I decided I didn't want to," She watched him walk to the closet and pull out two blankets.

Panda let out a yelp as the blankets flew towards her, crashing into her small frame and throwing her backwards on the couch, "My reflexes aren't that good, Trey," She sighed, trying to pull the blankets off her face, but finding she had no idea where to begin, her brain swam, as the heat of her breath made the area around her head unbearably hot.

She relaxed as cool air hit her face, and Trey removed the oppressive covers from her face, "Relax babe, go to sleep, things will look brighter in the morning."

"Don't talk to me, you still have the luxury of being messed up. Reality's something I don't want to deal with."

Trey sighed, ruffling her chin length pink hair, "Don't worry about it babe. Morning's morning, we'll deal with it when it comes."

"What if I don't want morning? What if I want the night to last forever," she reached underneath her rainbow bracelets with a shimmery orange fingernail, scratching her itchy skin slightly.

"Nothing lasts forever," Trey responded, pulling her against him, partially for her comfort, partially because he didn't want the night to end either. And believing she really existed was much easier when she was leaning against his chest.

"Why not?" her voice took on a high whiny tone, as Trey tapped his fingers lightly across her bare upper arm, reveling in the electricity that shot through his fingertips at the feel of her skin, courtesy of ecstasy.

"Because everything has an end," he toyed with the flashing purple ring around her finger.

"That's unfair," She yawned, "I hate reality," she dug her nails into the yellow nylon of her oversized pants.

"That's why I don't live in it,"muttered Trey, burying his face into her hair.

"I try not too," spoke Panda, turning to look him in the eye, "But everything ends eventually, eventually it all has to be over and done with."

"You need more drugs," Trey decided fumbling around to try and find some kind of substance.

"No," Panda shook her head, "I'm going to sleep."

"Whatever," Trey sighed, finally finding what he was looking for, but upon glancing down at her, he saw she was already out, green mascara covered eyelashes laying like bright stains against porcelain white cheeks. Her chest rose and fell underneath the blue cotton fabric of her top, for once she looked peaceful.

Trey sighed and glanced around the room, there was Jamie, asleep as he laughed hysterically, Anna in a corner, slumped against a wall, eyes looking out at the world as if seeing it through a thick pane of glass. This was the life he lived.

He fumbled with the lighter in his hand, taking a shaky breath as the substance in the pipe lit up, and the drug mixed into his lungs. Soon he was the only one awake, his brain buzzing with more drugs than he could remember taking. His mind a deluded entity in which he could float away comfortably, reality becoming nothing more than filaments of imagination.

The first thing Panda noticed was the music. From outside the doors, the bass shook her clothes with it's rhythmic intensity. The bouncer stamped her hand, security felt her up and down, rummaging through her pockets and turning a blind eye to the array of pills and drug paraphernalia stashed in small pockets throughout her clothing and oversized cloth bag. They didn't care, wasn't this what raving was all about? Escaping everyday drone for a few hours of peace, love, unity, and respect?

The second thing she noticed was the people. Moving as one giant body, hips flowing in sync with the obtrusive music. She let out a small giggle, taking Trey's hand in her own, jumping at the feel of his skin against hers.

"Let's dance babe, let's dance," She swung her head backwards, moving her arms above her head.

He laughed, as he followed her into the crowd, "you're crazy."

"No, I'm rolling," She shivered as she pressed her palm against his, clasping his hand in hers and waving it around in time to the music.

Trey simply grinned, tipping her head up and kissing her lips firmly. She wouldn't remember the kiss, and if she did, she'd brush it off as an simple incident on a trip outside of reality.

He watched her bounce her hand still firmly clasped in his, eyes sparkling underneath entire containers of shining eyeshadow, glow sticks hanging off of every possible part of her body, her neck, her wrists, around her waist, a blur of light, Trey laughed at the thought.

"What's so funny?" She asked, wrapping her arms around his waist and swinging against his form.

"You're not human," he giggled, "you're a blur of light."

The statement made no sense, but she found it hilarious, and she joined him in laughter.

Panda felt her jaw lock, and she picked up the orange pacifier she had hung around her neck, putting it into her mouth. Trey couldn't help himself, she was beautiful. Her hair swung around her face, mouth curled into a smile around the pacifier she'd bought from KB toys with him earlier that day. He cradled her chin in his hands, gently prying the plastic from her mouth, he placed another long kiss over her lips. She wouldn't remember it once she hit sobriety. She couldn't remember, the mind blocked things out that it didn't want to see.

But at least at night, in the false sense of reality created by a variety of variables, Trey felt comfortable expressing his exact feelings. Without worrying about her reaction.

He remembered the conversation he'd so recently shared with his mother, 'Why Trey?' She had asked, sobbing, 'why do you need to escape what's real? People love you, don't you know people love you?'

Trey pulled away from Panda's lips, who shoved the pacifier back between into her mouth and continued dancing as if nothing had happened.

Here standing in front of him, the reason why. The reason why he had to get messed up, because in the real world, she wasn't his. In the real world, he could never be good enough, people always told him he was chasing rainbows. But with the help of drugs, capturing rainbows suddenly seemed wonderfully possible.

The rave ended too soon for Panda's taste. Too soon, she found herself on Trey's couch, head in her hands as the real world beat her up until choked sobs escaped her mouth. And the worst part was she had no idea why she was crying, there was no reason to be crying. But somehow, she found it necessary.

"Panda?" She looked up to see Trey, he handed her a cup of water, the glass felt slippery against her hand and she almost dropped it, "What's wrong?"

She shook her head, taking a sip of water and refusing to answer, but agreeing to curl into his side as he sat down on the couch next to her.

"Come on," He insisted, suddenly feeling very sober, Panda wasn't ok, and for him, that wasn't ok.

"It's like one of those dreams," She looked up at him. Huge blue eyes stared out from underneath purple lashes. She looked so naive, so innocent, and sadly, she could hold claim to none of those characteristics. And she was so young. "The ones in which you're falling, and it never ends, until you wake up. That's what its like to crash, you fall and fall, and then, when it ends you hit the ground so hard that your entire perception of the world shatters, and then you remember everything, and suddenly living is that much harder."

"The world's a beautiful place, Panda," Trey answered mindlessly braiding a strand of her hair.

"Easy for you to say, you never crash, you're never in the world," Panda glared angrily.

"The world is what you make of it."

"It's shit Trey, that's all it is, and what do you get at the end? You get death."

Trey sighed, "You aren't born with a guarantee, you can't just go and get your money back, and buy a new life, it doesn't work that way."

"It should," Panda nodded, "that would at least be fair."

"But everyone would be changing their lives so much that no one would ever reproduce."

"Why reproduce? The world is an ugly place anyway, why bring more children into the world, so they can end up like me?"

"You didn't end up that bad," Trey tried.

At this Panda stood up, "Don't lie to me Trey, I know I'm a screw up. I spend my weekends messed up on X, only to spend four hours a night crying because I can't deal with the life I lead."

"So start dealing with it Panda, what are you afraid of?"

She sighed, her lower lip beginning to tremble again, "I don't know, so many things. Failure, what if I can't do it? What if I can't succeed at anything without drugs. Or worse yet, what if I try and stop raving, try and quit everything, and find that without it my life holds no meaning, then what?"

"You wont fail though," Trey spoke softly, "you couldn't fail."

"Sure I could, I'm not smart Trey, I'm really kind of stupid. I mean come on, who but an utter idiot would waste their life away like this? Who?"

"I do it," He responded, crossing his arms over his chest.

"But you're different Trey," Panda turned to look at him, "you don't care, I wish I didn't care, it would be so much easier not to care."

"I do care," Trey corrected her. "You're the one who doesn't care, you're the one who doesn't mind throwing your life away, stop being so afraid Panda, just let go."

"I can't," Panda sighed, "I can't, because if I did, then I'd lose you. Face it Trey, the reason we're friends, the reason we connect, is drugs. I don't want to lose you. You're my best friend, you mean to much."

Trey bit his lip, he was the reason, and somewhere in the back of his drug fried brain he'd always known it, "I'm sorry," He whispered, fighting back tears, "God Panda, I'm so sorry. I never meant to mess you up, really, I didn't."

Panda reached up to cup his chin with her hand, "you didn't. I messed myself up."

"And to think, all I wanted to do was love you, be there for you."

"You are," Panda assured him. "You're the best friend I've got."

"All I wanted was for you to love me back," Trey whispered, his gaze meeting with Panda's, his stony cold gray eyes, hardened from years of emotionless existence. Emotionless until Panda had shown up. Fifteen years old, full of life and energy, he'd wanted to show her how to live life. Instead he'd shown her a clean cut path to death.

"Love you back?" Panda asked, shocked at his roundabout declaration, "I've always loved you Trey, you know I have."

"Why?" Trey lifted his head, "I've only caused harm?"

"Sometimes, you fall in love with people, even if they're bad for you."

Trey was silent, "You should go home, cut me off, live your life right, you're so smart Panda, don't waste your talent, please?"

"It doesn't work that way Trey, I wish it did."

Trey sighed, "yes it does, you're going to walk out of this house, and then, you're going to go home, and you're never going to talk to me again. I don't want you to remember me as the one who ruined your life, I want you to remember me as the one who saved it."

A solitary tear moved down Panda's cheek, smearing her purple mascara, leaving a violet line along the side of her face, "You're so good Trey."

"No I'm not, I'm just going to do something right for once in my life, I'm going to push you away."

Panda took him in, her best friend, his eyes were pleading 'save your life!' they practically shouted, 'don't do this to yourself, don't do this because I love you' all the words he could never say, so he told her with his gaze instead.

In a moment's decision Panda leaned forwards, meeting his lips softly, this time, she'd remember the kiss, she was dead sober, this time, the kiss was reality. Trey sucked in a breath and sobs shook his body, as he kissed the one girl he loved but could never have.

Panda found herself crying harder than ever before, because she knew that no matter the decision she made, she would lose something. Here was her guarantee on life. She was getting her money back, being offered an out, and she knew she had to take it. Their tears mingled. They continued kissing, both too afraid to break the embrace, because it meant the end of everything.

Panda pulled away first, she laced up her shoes in silence, and stood up, bag in hand.

"Bye Trey."

He didn't look up, he couldn't, he didn't trust himself to, because if he looked at her, he wouldn't be able to let her go. They said love conquered all, but love couldn't conquer him. No matter what, he wasn't ever good enough for her. The only thing he could do, was harm her.

"Forget about me ok Panda, Just forget about me."

She gave a half smile, "I could never do that."

"Promise to try?"

"Alright." Trey heard the door slam, and she was gone.

Panda walked down the street, the cool air hit her face, bathing her in it's promise of new life. Of better life. She glanced upwards at the sky, it was brightening. The numbers on her watch read 4:30am, in a few hours it would be day. She had so much apologizing to do, so much to get back on track.

The wind picked up slightly causing her hair to fly up around her face, it was reality. And for once, it wasn't beating her down, it was lifting her up.