Do you know how much you hurt me? You hurt me enough to make me want to cut myself, enough to make me feel so small and dirty that I wanted to die. And yet I still don't hate you. I remember everything so clearly, and no matter how much I try to block everything from my mind, and not think about it, it doesn't work. Perhaps things are better that way? Maybe not hating you is a good thing.
The day before you first came to my church, I was writing in my journal about how I felt I was ready to forget about everything that happened, forgive you, and move on. And then I walked into church, and you were there. At that moment, I knew I was far from ready to get over the past. That kind of thing always happens though, doesn't it? Whenever you think about making a positive step, you suffer yet another set back. That doesn't mean I am going to give up though, because the fact is, I at least thought I might be capable of letting go, and even if I'm not, even thinking such a thing has got to be a big step forwards. I am mature enough to see that. It was just that you were in my church, my safe place, the one place where I can always relax and know that I won't come to any harm. Seeing you there made me suddenly think otherwise.
Hating you is not going to get me anyway. And besides, I couldn't hate you if I tried. You're too kind, too understanding, too much fun. But when you drink, Alex, you turn into someone else altogether. You turn into someone I don't want to know. But you're over that now, so I think it's time I took a leaf from your book, and try to put some of the pain from my past behind me. Even Scott thinks I am mad for wanting to forgive you and move on, and Scott has always supported everything I say. He doesn't understand how I can want to forgive someone who hurt me so badly, but in the end, it's only going to mess up my life if I can't let go of this, and I don't want to go back down that road again.
So here is me, saying that you're not forgiven, but I am working at it... I am working at letting go.