AN: This story is co-written by two friends and me. It was an in-class English assignment where we were supposed to have one person in the group write a bit, and then pass the paper on. Helen, Jenn and myself were all very bored and decided to have some fun with the prompt, which was, "I want to be a millionaire, stop asking me!" I ended up finishing the story at home, so it's mostly by me after a point. I noted who wrote which parts. Be warned, the story makes little sense and is crazy. Enjoy!

~Trinity

Who wrote what - text surrounded by symbols for your reading convenience -

Helen - ~~~text~~~ Jenn - ***text*** Me - text (not surrounded by symbols)

The Millionaire

"I want to be a millionaire, stop asking me," Lionel said with frustration. This is the worst game show ever, he thought. But maybe it would be worth it if he could win the money.

~~~ He had some tough competition though, he thought as he eyed the other contestants, all on the edge of their seats, wetting their pants in anticipation. He'd have to try a lot harder. ~~~ *** But he decided he could do it. ***

*** The first contestant, an eighteen-year-old girl right out of high school. Her cleavage-revealing tube-top and dangerously low pants made her seem like a slut. I hope I get to bang her before I go, thought Lionel. She was going to be easy. to beat of course. ***

*** The second contestant was an aging, bald salesman. His nervous stammer had made him already bankrupt, and he probably wouldn't get any more points. ***

Some of the contestants were like the previous ones, but others varied. Some of them were pretty good contestants, and all had their reasons for wanting the money. Lionel. he was young and handsome, and he had a stable job in selling cars. But he was tired of dealing with the customers, and sick of being friendly. So he was excited to have this chance to win $5 million and live as a crazy old miser. He wanted to be able to roll in piles of money and not have to work. So he had entered the stupid new game show, "Who Really Wants to be a Millionaire," where the contestants had to prove that they wanted the money most by arguing over it.

~~~ Need money to get through college. Lost my job. Wife and children to support. Sob stories started piling up as they all shouted their lifelong angst over each other's voices. Then, out of the blue, Tube-Top burst out in tears. Uh oh. Crying girl. Uh oh! Uh oh! Where the hell is the game show host when you need him. The two men looked over to the ~~~ *** Metalhead, AKA the Metallica-liking robot. ***

Metalhead, having been specially prepared for this show, knew what to do. He rolled (he had wheels, you see) over to the bawling skank girl and sprayed water in her face from his handy internal hose. The girl sputtered and stopped crying immediately. Then it registered with her what had happened.

"Hey, stupid robot, nobody sprays water at me!" She got up from her seat and kicked at the robot's metal body. Lionel and the other contestants shared a look that said, "Damn, that girl's stupid." Metalhead didn't like being kicked, and with his robotic intelligence, he determined that Tube- Top wasn't worthy of remaining on the show. So he extended his metal arm, equipped with a powerful taser, and tased the girl for a good twenty seconds. The audience cheered, as Tube-Top slumped into Metalhead's arms. Metalhead dragged the now unconscious girl offstage.

After a commercial break, the contest resumed. Metalhead arbitrarily decided to kick off all the contestants besides Lionel and the old guy. The disappointed contestants didn't protest, because they didn't want to get tased, and they walked away sadly. So Lionel and the old dude were the only contestants left. Metalhead was getting sick of going for so long without his Metallica fix.

"This is your last chance to say why you need the money most," Metalhead said in his tinny voice. "You first, old man. You have thirty seconds.

The old guy used up ten seconds trying to summon up the courage to speak. The he said, "I. I n-need the mo-money bec-cause I'm old a-and c- cant keep a j-job. P-please p-pity me." The audience muttered their sympathy for the poor old man, but Metalhead shushed them.

"Okay, Lionel," he said, "Tell us why you deserve the money more."

Lionel cleared his throat and began to speak. "People are a bunch of idiots. I realize this even more after being on this stupid show. I want to use the money to live in complete isolation from all of you idiots. All that I need is the money and a beautiful young and intelligent woman to get me everything I need from civilization and to live with me. That way I'll never have to see another stupid person for the rest of my life," Lionel finished triumphantly.

The audience was shocked. They were silent for a few moments, and then one person started clapping. More and more people began to clap until the whole studio was full of the sound of applause. Lionel took a bow proudly.

Needless to say, Metalhead chose Lionel as the winner. The old guy ran sobbing offstage as Metalhead awarded Lionel with a giant check and wired $5 million to Lionel's bank account.

After the show was over, Lionel exited backstage. Right when he was at the door to outside, he turned around. Lionel saw Tube-Top lying motionless in the corner. Poor girl, he thought. In an instant, Lionel realized what he should do. He gently shook the girl by the shoulders.

"Hey. Girl. Wake up."

She opened her eyes.

"You still want that money?" he kneeled so that they were level, and she nodded.

"Come live with me," Lionel said. "It'll be great. You can handle all the shopping; I'll buy you a Porsche for it. And we'll live alone in a mansion with nobody around for miles. You just need to be entertaining and smart. What do you say? Do you think you can do it?"

Tube-Top's eyes were bright with happiness. She kissed Lionel.

"I guess that's a yes, then," Lionel said as he helped her up.

"It is," the girl said. "I would love to live with you."

"Good. You'll just have to get used to me and my five million."

"I think I can do that."

"And what about your plans for college?"

"Oh, that. I lied. That stupidity on the show was just an act. I already graduated college. I am still eighteen, though."

Lionel became ecstatically happy. So the girl was smart, a genius in fact, if she had already graduated college so young. Still, he had to be sure. "Prove it."

"The derivative of y = cos x3 - ln dy/dx is."

Lionel cut her off. "Okay, I believe you."

"Well, let's go then," Tube-Top the braniac said taking his arm.

The two new millionaires walked out to their new private jet, compliments of Metalhead, on their way to a new life.

The End