So Here it Is

Hmm..So here it is. Here I am wanting to bleed.
This is me and how I deal
I don't have the strength to end it forreal.
At times like this, I want to end my life,
Questions in my head, what is right?
Where's Kivorkian when you need him?
I will never see my freedom
From that shiny steel
From all that it is that makes me real.
I want to bleed! I want to hurt!
I've been tortured by life ever since my birth.
Never knew just how much I am worth
I want to hang! I want to fall!
What is it that keeps me going through it all?
Through the horror, through the pain,
What kept me from dancing in the rain?
Through the blood and the tears,
All these bruises, cuts, and wasted years.
Through the torment and the times I was broken
In a nightmare of my past I have awoken. . .
Up to, up in my bedroom
I was alone then, as I am now,
But there was always something that kept me saying, "Wow.
I want to fucking die. Why am I here, why??"
The deeper into my sickness I sink,
The less I talk and the more I think
The more I think, the more I do,
Cut my flesh all the way through.
Cut out everything that makes me crazy
They think I'm lazy
Know what I say to them?
Fuck you!
My pain is so real
I push harder on that steel
Blade
The one that saves
My heart and soul
The one thing that gives me control, makes me whole
Keeps Celest and Heather
Balanced, not broken, together
Celest is the one everyone loves
When I was 16, the girl I dreamt I was
Heather is the one who lost her mind
Remember that time?
Which time?
Oh, the times that inspire my rhymes.
The times I bled and shook
My entire life, each one took.
They killed me. . . I'm simply existing now
What am I saying? What am I thinking?
Far into my sickness I am sinking.
Should I bleed or just die?
You say you love me. . . why?
Because I fell in love with you first?
Of all the things to say that felt the worst.
It made me feel like you pitied me
The depths of my love, you'll never see
They go past human sight
Now can you tell me what is right?

December 2002

* I realize it may sound like rambling at parts but it was showing, I
guess, my continuos thought process. How I flow in my mind from one
thought to another. This is how I was actually thinking. And it is meant
to be done as spoken word. *