This mood is taking over again, and I don't know why. I was perfectly fine
not five minutes ago. Just being me, flying free and high along with my
friends, no worries at all. So why does the black cloud pick me to follow?
And how can I rid myself of it? Is there some special way that I can't
yet find? In music, song, and harmony? In sports, or competition? Or in
the world of virtual reality? I know the paper provides little release.
Words that seemed so clear in mind seem to slam into a brick wall the
moment a pen touches the surface of my notebook, or my fingertips brush the
keys. Music provides little release, for the topics of the day being
unrequited love, lasting pain and scars, or gratuitous sex, and two out of
three I have the most chance of seeing in life. Am I doomed to the fate of
the "Lonely Guy?" Steeped in mediocrity for the rest of his life,
succeeding but never excelling, hoping but never envisioning, saving up but
never obtaining? It's so hard to describe the feeling. A slight heaviness
in the chest, with a growing emptiness in the gut, as though being dragged
down and spread thin in the same motion. And so many adjectives to
describe it: depression, adrenaline-low, bitchiness even. Even words fail
to hit close to the truth of this sensation, a feeling of pain and
worthlessness beyond all else. And for what reasons? There are none.
There are those who have it worse off than I could ever go. And yet, the
feeling remains. And as I look up I can see Mediocrity staring back at me.
Being average at everything, having little to even distinguish me as a
person. It is that absence of humanity and individuality that scares me,
more than death, poverty, or loneliness combined. My friends don't
understand. Each of them has a specialization: art, writing, dance, drama,
music. Perhaps it is their level of commitment that I lack, the
willingness to devote myself totally, mind, body and soul. Or perhaps it
is a natural skill that I seek, a talent undiscovered to set me apart from
everyone else. A Jack of all trades, yet master of none, I will seek until
I find, ask until I receive, and knock until the doors are opened, and hope
that the path I walk will lead me to the lifting of this black cloud, to
the answers I seek, and to the love I am capable of embracing.