AN: This seriously random short story was drafted and expanded in my Creative Writing class. Just so you know, I was in a group with about five others, and our instructions were to piece together a coherent story based on a series of randomly distributed cards. They just so happened to be cards from the game Fictionary, and we decided to use every single one we had to make some sort of story, regardless of the likely random aftermath. Anyway, we had to use the characters: an incognito starship captain, a vegetarian songwriter, a homeless person, a pizza delivery guy, a superhero with unhelpful powers, and an inquisitive reporter. Basically every setting and plot twist (of equally random proportions) existent in this story, and I mean EVERY, comes from a card we were given. It’s crazy, so just read it and either laugh hysterically or shake your head. Or both.

“The Pizza Hut Strikes Back”

by J.T. Morrissey, Judy Lee, Peter Vanderford, Ryan Hutton, Nina Lagunzado, and Chris Walden (all six known as “Hutton Chops, Inc.”)

            Once upon a time, in the modern world, an unnamed man was living in the only apartment on a remote tropical island. In fact, it was the only building on the remote tropical island. After living in the upstairs apartment, the man heard the first sound in years. A woman was screaming. Screaming in a painfully shrill tone, but nonetheless screaming. Unfortunately, the man in the upstairs apartment had locked himself inside his room, and could only listen.

            Meanwhile, in the room where the woman was screaming, a bulky and gruesomely charismatic man in a yellow Star Trek uniform was lifting up a spunky young woman in his arms. The woman had green hair with pink streaks, and she was wearing robes of all black as she slapped the monstrous assailant with her hands and screams. Guitars and vegetables were strewn all over the floor, and the man struggled not to trip over them all as he carried her to the only window in the room.

            “LET US GO YOU TOFU-LOVING-TURD!” She screamed.

            The man responded with an announcer-esque tone as he brought her into the sunlight of the window. “You’re not safe here, you sexy, sexy woman…I mean! I must bring you to a safer dimension… safe from the Evil Pizza Delivery Empire.” With that, the man leaped through the window, with the woman in his arms, and landed in a back alley.

            They were in a huge city, with skyscrapers all around them. The woman stopped screaming, since she had no idea where she was. “Where are we?” She asked.

            “In another dimension,” the captain said, “Observe.” He turned around to let her see that the wall of the building behind them was an interdimensional doorway phasing in and out with the current reality.

            The woman starts slapping the man again, who is still holding her in his arms. “LET GO OF US!!! WE WANT TO GO HOME, BACK TO OUR ADORING FANS!!!”

            But no sooner had she said this, the interdimensional portal closed of entirely, revealing the rest of the building. They were stuck in that dimension. The trekkie-wannabe froze in place, ignorant to all the slapping barrages of the woman in his arms.

            “Oh…. I guess it’s just you and me, honey.”

            “HONEY?! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU BEEF-DEPRIVED BUFOON!! LET GO OF US!!!”

            The man looked her in the eyes, and she stopped resisting altogether.

            “I love you. Can’t you see? We were destined to be trapped here together.”

            His voice was that of the romantic soap opera announcer, and she was captivated at once. “You love us?” She sniffs sympathetically, “Oh… WE LOVE YOU TOO!!”

            They smooch and kiss for a good five seconds before breaking the moment.

            She asks him inquisitively, “What’s you’re name, anyway?”

            The man drops her to the ground and makes a James Bond pose, except without the gun. He smiles like a superhero and says, “The name’s Clive. CAPTAIN Clive, of the U.S.S. Allister.” It was then he bore a striking resemblance to William Shatner.

            She gets up and slaps him in the face. His expression was a dazed mix of love and surprise. “Thanks for helping me up, you sexy beast!” She pauses. “Oh – we’re Lucy. We’re a famous songwriter where we come from. We don’t like meat.”

            “Well in that case, I think we should go out together.”

            “Okay. Where at, sweety-bumpkins?”

            “How about that diner across the street?”

            “Okay. What time?”

            “How about now?”

            “Okay. Let’s hold hands while we cross the street.”

            The two proceeded to cross the empty street to the diner in the dim dawn of the city morning. It was closed, but Clive opened the door like it was unlocked and escorted his date inside. Nobody was working there, since it was closed, and the lights were off.

            “What do you want to eat, Lucy?”

            “We don’t know. How much does breakfast cost?”

            “Uh….” Clive shuffled his hands around in his pockets. “I don’t have any money.”

            Lucy slapped Clive again and stormed out to the back exit, dragging Clive with her, since they were still holding hands. “Where are we going, Lucy? Where are you taking me?”

            She shushed him just as an FBI agent walked into the diner, spotting them immediately. They duck and sneak out of the back fire exit of the diner, and decide that this dimension was too dangerous for them. “Let’s go home, Clive.” The Captain smiled charismatically. “Okay, Lucy! Let’s go!”

            The problem was that they did not know how to get back home, especially when they didn’t even know where they were.

            “Where do you live, anyway, Clive?”

            “I don’t know.” Lucy slapped him again, and the two kissed for a disturbing two seconds. Clive stops the kiss and continues as though nothing had happened, “But one of my old undercover assignments had be posted as an employee at an ice cream shop not far from here.”

            “Okay. Can we… uh… you know… when we…”

            “Of course! Why else would we go to my place?”

            “Hey! Is that the place?”

            Lucy was pointing across the street at an ice cream store, still closed like everything else in the city. “Yep! Let’s – OOOH! Look at that!”

            “What?”

            Lucy and Clive turned around to see a homeless man wandering around on the sidewalk nearest to them. He was grungy and disgusting, and was holding a giant sign that said, “HIT ME, ALLMIGHTY GOD!” It took Lucy and Clive several times to fully understand the pronunciation of the English written on the sign.

            “Well that’s a really funny thing to put on a sign…” Clive said.

            A sound broke the innocent silence of the windy city. The sounds of tires screeching against black pavement echoed throughout the highways of the urban labyrinth. The sounds of a highly revved engine with exceedingly high bore rumbled through the avenues. Out of nowhere, a pizza delivery car zoomed around the corner and shot straight for Lucy, Clive, and the homeless person.

            “CLIVE!! HELP US!!”

            “Stand aside, Lucy girl, I’ll handle –“

            KABOOOOOOOM!!!!

        Six weeks later, Lucy wakes up in a hospital bed in a busy hospital. She looks around and sees Clive also in the same bed, right next to her.

            Lucy doesn’t respond, only noticing that the bed across from her view is empty. That must have been Clive’s bed… Lucy thinks. Clive inches a centimeter closer to her in the bed. “Ooooh… where are we, Clive…?”

            Clive was starting to breath faster, panting almost. “We are… in the dimension’s… only hospital. It has wings... so it can… float… in… the sky… Romantic… isn’t it?”

            Clive extended his arm around Lucy and the two hugged each other, snuggling next to each other in an intimate embrace.

            Lucy got closer to Clive so that they were almost touching, and she responded in equally spaced words. “Oh…Clive… that’s… so… roman-“

            Just then, a hospital nurse stops from walking by their bed and addresses Clive directly, completely ignorant to the event yet to occur. “Oh, Mister Clive. Now that you’re awake, we thought you should know. You’re impotent.”

            Clive was so shook up by that thunderous repetition of words that he fell out of the bed and onto the cold, smooth hospital floor. He got up, covering his nether regions with his blankets, and shouted back at the nurse the same time Lucy did.

            “WHAT?!” The nurse just looked at them with a cold stare.

            “I told you, Mister Clive. You’re impotent. Do you want me to repeat myself?”

            “NO!! I – CAN’T – BE – NO!! IT’S JUST – WRONG – NO!!!”

            “You’re impotent. You’re impotent. You’re impotent. You’re impotent.”

            “SHUT UP!!! GO AWAY!!!”

            The nurse leaves. Lucy and Clive look at each other.

            Lucy is enraged at him. “You pervert! You dragged us all the way out here, and got us into this accident just for the two of us to be together, AND YOU’RE IMPOTENT?!?!?!”

            “Hey! I didn’t mean to be impotent, you senseless sex queen –“

            “Don’t call us senseless sex queens, you meat-eating-spam-sprinkler!”

            “HOW DARE YOU CALL CAPTAIN CLIVE A meat-eating-spam-sprinkler!”

            During all this arguing, an inquisitive reporter is standing nearby and does a twirly superhero spin and exits in a rush.

            Just then, a man shows up on the scene. He’s wearing a full-body yellow spandex suit, red rubber gloves, red utility belt (stocked with condoms), and heavy rubber red boots. He enters upon his white stallion, between Lucy and Clive, speaking in a deep and resounding heroic voice. “Fear not! Your savior has arrived!” Lucy and Clive just look at him like two sharks eyeing a guppy. “I am: TROJAN MAN!!!”

            He shoves two small boxes at the two of them. “HERE! These will help!”

            Lucy and Clive look at the boxes. “What are they?” Lucy asked.

            “They are… condoms!!!”

            Lucy and Clive paused for a moment longer before blasting Trojan Man. “THAT DOESN’T HELP!!!”

            In the same deep, heroic voice, Trojan Man starts to make and exit, “My work here is done!”

            Just then, the Aflac duck comes in and bites Trojan Man on the leg. Trojan Man yells “MOMMY!!!” and jumps out the window.

            Unfortunately for him, flying is not one of his superpowers. Trojan Man hits the pavement far below the hospital with a sickening thud.

            The Aflac duck sticks his head out the window, looking down at Trojan Man, and says “AFLAC.” The duck leaves promptly, not a soul disturbing his exit.

            Just then, Clive’s cell phone starts ringing like crazy. He takes it out of nowhere and clicks it on next to his ear. “Hello?”

            He pauses, listening to the caller on the other end. Clive looks at Lucy. “It’s my fleet.”

            “Your WHAT?!”

            “Hold on, honey.” Clive listens even longer, only to say, “Uh huh,” once in a while. After a short while, he clicks the phone off and embraces Lucy in his arms. “Lucy, I have terrible news.”

            Lucy suddenly becomes sympathetic and concerned for Clive. “Oh, Clive, what is the matter?”

            Clive’s voice droops to a saddened explanation, “I told you before that I’m a starship captain… And my crew and soldiers are here to take me away…”

            Lucy starts tearing up. “Oh, Clive… why must you go?”

            “Because my people and I are fighting an interdimensional war against the Evil Pizza Delivery Empire. I must go now to help them fight the war.” -A pause- “They NEED me, Lucy.”

            They embrace, “Oh Clive…” “Oh Lucy…” They kiss for a good minute or so.

            Clive then breaks the romantic Casablana-esque moment, and stands up, with the blankets wrapped around his lower regions like a bathrobe. He clicks on the phone, and keeps it a few inches from his ear.

            “Lucy. I love you. I will always love you. Find a way to return to your home dimension. Never order pizza delivery again in your life, not even veggie lovers.”

            Lucy is struck by whole-hearted sadness, and is on the verge of tears.

            Clive lets out a final phrase for Lucy as he puts the phone up to his ears.

            “Remember me, Lucy. Remember me.” He pauses, then looks and talks into the cell phone. “ENERGIZE.”

            Clive disappears, and Lucy collapses into a heap on her bed, crying horribly.

            Two weeks later, Lucy is in an apartment room on a remote tropical island in the alternate dimension. She is playing a guitar, and singing lyrics to her hit new song, “Our lovely starship captain.”

AN: Okay, it needs work, expansion, and clarification. Let me know if it’s worth working on. Maybe a story will come out of it, who knows.