For Zelle… She may not know why, but I do!

If I expected love
When first we kissed
Blame it on my youth
If only just for you
I did exist
Blame it on my youth

I remember it so completely, so utterly. On hot and stifling night in Mexico you swept me away to a Spanish jazz bar and we stayed until three in the morning, you swept me off the edge of the earth. You span me around and around, we danced for the world and they watched us with bated breath. We couldn’t stop laughing that night, the sound echoing on the night air like the piano player’s perfect notes… tinkle, tinkle, tinkle. We ran through the deserted streets, breathless with freedom. You grabbed my hand, spinning me into your arms and we stood there, holding each other in spite of the heat and suddenly, you brushed a hand through my hair and pressed your lips to mine. My heart exploded and I was yours forever.

I believed in everything
Like a child of three
You meant more than anything
You meant all the world to me

We spent all of our time dancing and playing and singing and running, it was the perfect getaway. Nobody bothered us, nobody knew us, we were like ghosts. Our laughter was the soundtrack of our summer and I loved you so much I thought I would die. We lay out on the veranda, you stroked a hand down my arm and said, “You are everything I ever wanted,” I smiled and kissed your skin, slightly damp with sweat and salty on my tongue. It was so easy to be ourselves away from the real world but how could things ever be the same? I believed everything you told me while deep down, my heart wept. Mexico and you had become the entire world to me. Nothing else mattered; I could have stayed for eternity.

If you were on my mind
All night and day
Blame it on my youth
If I forgot to eat
And sleep and pray
Blame it on my youth

Home. Home. It didn’t feel right. How could it? After a month of sleeping next to you, sleeping in your arms, I couldn’t sleep alone. I was too afraid of my nightmares to sleep. The nightmare of losing you now that things had returned to normality, it haunted me; I was becoming a ghost myself. I was living like a junkie, unable to eat, too tired to sleep. I was craving you with my every breath but I still couldn’t get my fix. All I could think about was you, you and Mexico and sweet, sweet jazz. The radio seemed to play our song over and over again but I couldn’t turn it off and I still couldn’t work up the courage to pick up the phone, dial your number and dive back in.

If I cried a little bit
When first I heard the truth
Don’t blame it on my heart
Blame it on my youth

I remember it so completely, so utterly. The air was hot and filled with smoke but it didn’t bother me, I caressed my glass of half drunk bourbon and sighed, waiting. Tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear, realising how nervous I was, nestled at the back of the bar. You held the entire room so completely when you walked in and all I could feel was pride. You walked over, kissed me quick and sat at the Steinway in the centre of the room, running a few scaled before pulling the microphone towards you. Everyone waited and finally you spoke, “Welcome to the opening night of Jazz Club, thanks for coming. I’m gonna start the evening with a little tribute to my girlfriend. I only had to utter these words and she forgave me for everything I never should have done. Blame it on my youth,” A few whistles and cheers, a smile in my direction, a tear in my eyes and the opening bars… My heart exploded and I was yours forever.