And, Well, I think that I’m sick

Claimer: I own everything! *Insane laughter*

Author: Aloysha, with some timely aid from the wonderful Wil. *Sucking up*

Rating: Somewhere between Pg-13 and R. That’s right folks, Aloy’s keeping it clean today.

Summery: Hell is an office building run by Luci, Heaven is really a health spa run by G, and Solis is a spawn of Satan who can’t do anything right.

Genre: Comedy, Romance, General insanity, and a touch of religious babble, but not much. And, duh, homosexual themes.

Notes: This is going to seem odd, but this is loosely based on my relationship with my boyfriend. …Just don’t ask.

Dedicated to: Ian, Tai, Dimi, Eddie, Shin, Kraft, TJ, Puma, Gany, Bin, NJB, Ashell, Ash_champion, Jen, and…just a whole host of people. I’m going to assume you know who all of you are. And if you don’t…not my fault.

***********************

Chapter One

***********************

“You did what!” Lucifer, better known as Luci in the underworld, shouted. Her youngest son, Solis, cowered and darted behind his older brother Kris, who sighed. “How in the hell did you manage to fuck this up so badly?”

“It wasn’t our fault, honest. Getting Bush re-elected was a totally unexpected outcome. We had no idea mortals were that stupid.” Kris said, obviously trying to sooth the Demoness.

She sighed and flopped into her throne, tracing the white vein of the black marble thoughtfully. “I’m very disappointed Kris. You said that Solis could handle this yet, once again, he seems to have failed.”

“Mother, it wasn’t Solis’ fault, I was-”

“You are covering for your brother!” She roared. With a wave of her hand Kris vanished in a puff of acidic smelling smoke. Solis ‘epped’ and fell onto his butt. She shook her head and gestured for him to come over to her. He got up, looking a little wary and walked over before sitting on one of the steps leading to her throne.

“Mother?”

“Solis, this is my fault.” She peered down at him, long black hair hiding on of her pale red eyes. “I should have known better than to let you and Kris run this one. You’re just too young for this type of thing.”

“I’m almost a thousand!” He pouted, looking every bit as young as his mother implied. “Selena was only nine hundred when she got to start the French and Indian War.”

“Your sister is more mature than you are.” Luci said calmly. “You clearly aren’t ready for this level of responsibility just yet Soli. I’ve decided on a milder project for you. If you do this well I might let you handle the next major battle.”

Solis looked put out, but nodded anyway. You couldn’t really say no to Satan, it just wasn’t done. Hey, maybe he’d luck out. His sister Monica had gotten a mild job, ruining President Clinton. She hadn’t really succeeded, since he had been far from ruined, but his mother had loved all the controversy and chaos it caused. After that Mon had gotten a free pass to do whatever she wanted.

And even Chris, his oldest brother had started out with small French stuff, but now he was in charge of Haiti…

“What do you want me to do?”

“Corrupt this mortal.” She waved a hand and a folder fell into his lap. “We’ve been after him for years but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’m not sure why though; it should be easy. He doesn’t have an abnormal connection to…up there, no overwhelming strength of will, no angel lurking behind corners to foil us.”

“Then why do you want him?”

“Because I can’t have him!” She slammed a hand onto the arm of her throne, eyes flashing. Somewhere, outside of the room, someone let out a long howling scream. She smiled; that seemed to lighten her mood somewhat. “Now, get going. I want this done soon.”

“Yes ma’am.” He saluted her, smiling cheekily, then shifted to his room. His friend Starii was laid out across his bed, rainbow colored hair falling into his face. His small silver wings were folded in a fashion that showed boredom, as if the glazed over look in his eyes wasn’t enough. “How’d you get in here?”

“Picked the lock.” Starii said lazily.

“You know, for an angel, you’re a huge delinquent.”

“Well someone has to keep Heaven interesting.” Starii pouted then tilted his head off to the side, watching as Solis threw things into a bag. “What’re you doing?”

“Mission. Corrupting mortal souls for my mother’s personal enjoyment.” He paused, blowing a strand of inky black hair out of green-brown eyes. “Proving I’m not a royal fuck up.”

“But…you are a member of the unholy royal family, and you are a fuck up.” Starii pointed out, chewing on a strand of hair thoughtfully. His wings rustled and a silvery-white feather shook loose and fell onto the bed. It seemed so alone and stark against the sheets, which were as dark as the shadows that Solis couldn’t stand to look at it. He picked it up and shoved it into his bag.

It reminded him a bit of himself.

He wasn’t the usual demon spawn after all. He was some weird demon/angel/mortal hybrid thingy, which was the most technical term anyone had ever been able to come up with. He lacked the large, black, raven-like wings that most demons had and instead had smaller ones, about the size of an angel, that were a dusty gray color. He didn’t have the claws or fangs most demons had, nor did he have the standard silver hair and blue eyes of an angel.

He was just an in general freak of nature, which was saying a lot, considering he was a demon. Technically, as far as the majority of Mortals were concerned, he didn’t even exist. And, as if that weren’t enough, they very rarely took him seriously when he showed up to take their souls to the processing area or from there to the underworld. It was understandable though. He was tall, skinny, and thoroughly unthreatening looking.

At least until he grabbed you by the neck and bashed your head against the nearest wall and threw you into the lake of fire until you seriously reconsidered not taking him as seriously as he deserved.

Actually, that reminded him:

“Have you seen Selena?”

“The head bitch after the Head Bitch? Nah.” Starii rolled off of the bed. “I heard she’s down by the Lakeside Condos talking to Fred Phelps about his room. He’s bitter he hasn’t got a lakeside view.”

Solis scowled. “Hello, its fucking hell! Of course he doesn’t get a lakeside view, he was a prick when he was alive. He has to suffer! That’s why we have him living with the queer frat boys who died in that car crash!” He sighed. “I swear, they think we’re tour guides or hotel staff. For the love of fucking Chr-”

Starii clamped a hand over his mouth. “Don’t do it. Just…don’t say His name. You know what happens when demons say Christ.”

Solis stared at him for a moment, eyebrows drawing up in amusement. Then he licked his friend’s hand, drawing a disgusted look from the angel, and flopped onto his bed with another sigh.

“I’m just saying, we’re supposed to be making them miserable, with the hellfire and brimstone and eternal damnation, but ever since people started becoming Agnostic and Atheists and Satanists we’re just letting them have a good time.” He pointed at a bottle of black lacquer, which wobbled then floated over to him. “I miss the good old days of blood lust and chaos, when mortals killed for fun and then we got to play with their innards and watch them grovel.” He shook the bottle. “I hate all this PC shit. I miss Azreal; before he became one of you wussy ass angels everything ran smoothly. He was the man.”

He noticed Starii was staring at him and rolled his eyes. “What?”

“You have to be the most gay demon I’ve ever met.”

Solis looked down at himself. Black leather pants, where were a given in the soul taking business, and a black wife-beater. He had a red button down somewhere around here, but his floor was covered in at least ten centimeters of…junk. Nails were currently purple, but he was obviously about to fix that.

“Huh?”

“You should see yourself when you talk about AZ. Your eyes get all bright and glittery.”

Solis blinked. “You sure it wasn’t just the talk of torture? You know what death and mayhem does to me.”

“Please.”

“Whatever.” He folded one leg under himself. “You’re the gayest angel I’ve ever met.”

“One, I’m one of two angels you know by name, so spare me that. And two, you know angels aren’t allowed to be gay. It upsets the big man.”

“Didn’t stop you last week….” Solis muttered. Starii glared and his grin got big. “Admit it man, the big G just likes watching you poor gay angels squirm. He doesn’t really plan to do anything about it, it’s just his daily dose of sadism.”

“God is not a Sadist.”

“Sure he is! He created the human race didn’t he? How much more sadistic does it get?” Starii paused; looking as if he had to admit his friend had a point there. Solis smiled. “Either way, my friend, you got the short end of the stick.”

“Like I signed up for this job.” Starii muttered. “It’s not exactly a walk in the clouds, showing good spirits to their new eternal paradise. I mean, they’re a bunch of goody-two-shoes, and some of them are so stupid, but I can’t do anything because I have to be the benign guide and all of that good shit. At least you can beat your souls up, I have to be nice.”

“Told you, short end of the stick.” Solis smirked.

Starii rested his head on Solis’ shoulder. “Think you can arrange something so I can get transferred to Angel of Wicked Souls or something? You know, put in a good word with your mother for me?”

Solis sighed. “I knew you only loved me for my power.”

“Well it sure as hell isn’t for your sparkling wit.”

“Ouch.” Solis chuckled. “I’ll talk to my mom after I get settled in with my mark.” He shoved Starii away and leapt to his feet. “Come on, walk me to the bus.”

Starii got up and followed him out of the room, looking even more out of place than he did amongst all the black, white, and red stone. He floated a few inches off of the ground to avoid burning his feet on the hot charcoal floor. Molten rock flowed just underneath the floor, since Solis and all of the Spawns got the basements apartments, only a ten minutes walk from the Lake Of Fire offices. Angels couldn’t handle the direct heat, since they were use to walking barefoot in the clouds and dew and that type of thing.

It didn’t bother Solis. He skinny-dipped in hotter stuff, but that was neither here nor there.

They walked up the flight of stairs at the end of the hall that lead into the garage. The inter-world bus was waiting there, a few lost souls sitting on the bench and chatting. The bus mostly moved Demons and Angels, but every so often a soul would end up the wrong place and had to be placed again.

“I can’t believe they almost put me in hell.” A woman who looked about twenty-five said, shaking her head. “I always thought I was a pretty decent person, I was so scared.”

“I was glad actually. When I was down here I asked around and Tupac’s not here, so he must be in heaven.” A boy said, look excited. “I wonder if I’ll see him.”

“Doubtful.” Starii said, smiling. “Tupac’s not dead, he’s hanging out in Mexico.”

“You’re kidding me!”

“I’m an angel, we don’t kid with spirits. Seriously, we get zapped with lightning for that kind of stuff.” Starii glanced upwards, as if he expected to get turned into a giant burnt turkey any minute. Solis giggled at the image that caused in his mind…giant floating turkey with angel wings.

Starii raised an eyebrow as he watched Solis roll on the ground laughing. “You have issues.”

“Like that’s new.” Tai, the bus driver poked her head out of a window. “Load ‘em up. First stop, Mortal Plane, then the Heavenly Spa. Move your feet and don’t lag behind, because I will leave your ass here and believe I won‘t feel bad about it.”

“God I love you.” Solis said, bouncing onto the bus and sliding into the seat behind the driver. Tai laughed and winked at him.

“If you mean it you know where to find me when the bus stops rolling.”

“Yeah…if only I weren’t as queer as a three dollar bill.” Solis sighed and tugged on her thick braid. “But if I were straight I’d be all over you.”

“That’s what all the demons say.” She shut the door after the last soul walked on and threw the bus into gear. It lurched forward and one of the souls hit the ground with a loud ‘oww’. Tai cackled then hit the gas and the bus took off at speeds that made even a demon a little queasy, and that was no easy feat.