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So, without further ado:
AGAINST ALL THE RULES
Act Three, Scene One
( The sun shines down at the local swimming pool complex. It is Dorfsogl
High's Swimming Carnival. Students hand around by the pool side in swimming
costumes, getting pink with suburn)
Principal Hawk: The next race is the girls 180m relay.
(A small group of bikini clad girls stand up and move down for the start of
the race. Mel, Johanna and Hollie are not among them.)
Johanna: This is soooo boring. I don't know how I let you two convince me
ito coming here today.
Mel: Duh. We'll get a tan, making us more attractive to our teaching loves.
Johanna: Point taken.
Hollie: Guys, you're missing the most important point! The swimming
carnival is the only time we're ALLOWED to walk around past our teaching
loves..in bikinis.
Johanna: Oh yes.(glancing down at her new lilac thong bikini) The art of
seduction.
(Mr Darcy walks past)
Mr Darcy: Hello, girls
(Instantly they jump into seductive poses, Johanna on her side, with her
arm propping up her head, Mel with her legs crossed flirtatiously and
Hollie with her arms crossed and a flirty look pasted on her face.)
Mr Darcy: Umm..how come you girls aren't going in any races?
Mel: You're not going in any races either, Mr Darcy.
Mr Darcy: You are slightly misinformed, Melanie. I'm actually participating
in the special teacher's open, the next race. I'm just going to change. (he
holds up navy blue speedos as evidence and walks off)
Johanna: NO WAY!!
Hollie: Let's hit the poolside!!
(They get up and instantly are engrossed in the swimsuit clad male
teachers)
Johanna: How come they can't wear that to school everyday?
Mel: (Drools)
Hollie: Oh my god, is that Mr Lucas wearing speedo's?
(Mr Lucas comes over)
Mr Lucas: Hello, girls. I hope that you'll be cheering me to win.
Hollie: (innocently) I feel like cheering whenever I see you, Mr Lucas
Mr Lucas: (Blushes) I'd better go-and-um-check the sandwiches
Mr Hawk: And now for our 'special event' the open teachers 50m!
Johanna: Also known as the hot shirtless teacher competition. Who will win
the title of hottest teacher!! (Yells out to Mr Murdend) Love that grey
chest hair Murdend!!
Mr Murdend: (jaw gapes open, shocked and embarassed) (to self) Oh no...the
stalker...
Johanna: Although you also look hot in the green jumper. And everything
else you wear.
(The race begins. The PE teachers instantly take the lead, having a rather
unfounded advantage over the other teachers, especially Mr Darcy whose main
physical activity was carrying heavy maths textbooks around in a rather
large cardboard box, along with various other necessities for the study of
maths such as rulers, pens, calculators, cash bribes e.t.c )
Mr Hawk: And the winner is Mr Bennet!
A atheletic PE teacher stepped out of the water, dripping.
Johanna: OH WHAT??
Mel (horrified) But he has brown hair!! Only grey haired men shpould win
prizes!
Johanna: And the winner of the hottest teacher competition is.Mr Murdend!
Mel: Oh, trust you. Darcy's double of Murdend.
Hollie: Mr Lucas makes five of both of them.
Mr Hawk: I will now take this time to make an announcement, which is both
very interesting and very important, as my speeches always are.That is the
reaason they are always in essay form, even though they are spoken, not
written.
I have decided to retire as principal of this school due to extensive
plastic surgery I will be starting to undertake. I searched long and hard
for a replacement principal, but could not find one. The Department Of
Education denied me permission to make the school cleaner the principal,
and found a suitable replacement.
So, students and staff of Dorfsogl High, I'd like you to meet our new
principal, Mr Richard Grimm.
(Mr Grimm steps up)
Mr Grimm: (smiles nervously) Hello, Dorfsogl High. I'm really glad to be
here and hope to get to know you all better in the future.
Mr Hawk: Just how well is what I'm worried about, judging by the students
here, discipline in this school is non-existant..detention just gives them
an opportunity to eye off more teachers.
Mr Grimm: What?
Mr Hawk: I said..I hope you'll..erm.keep a good eye on the discipline of
the school
Mr Grimm:Naturally. I also do not speak in essay form, which I'm sure the
students find disconcerting. (he smiles at them)
Johanna: (faints away in a dead swoon)
Mel: Is that grey hair, brow eyes and a tight little ass I see?
Hollie: (squints) Well he has got grey hair. But aren't you looking at Mr
Lucas if we're talking of good asses?
Johanna: (reawakens, hyperventilating) Is that Mr Murdend's lost twin?
Mel: (Shakes her head, amazed) I think so.
Johanna: He's going to be out principal? I'm going to smoke weed in class
every day.
Mel: That would just get you suspended, nitwit
Johanna: But I'd have HIS signature on the paperwork..then I could forge it
on the marriage papers...
(Mr Murdend walks past, unnoticed by the girls. All eyes are upon Mr Grimm)
Mel: Hey! What's that brown haired girl doing hovering around Mr Grimm!
Johanna: Like, that's so, like, our job
Hollie: Mr Grimm controls Mr Lucas.I have respect for this man. Must get on
good side.
Johanna: Hey, you! What are you doing?
Olivia: Hey, I'm Olivia
Johanna: Yes, but what are you doing? (glares at her) This is soooo our
teacher
Olivia: He's not a teacher, he's a principal.
Johanna: No difference to me. Doctor, lawyer, banker, teacher,
principal.all game.
Olivia: He's with me.
Mel: I like your spirit. Who are you, what year are you in and who is he?
(points at Mr Grim)
Olivia: I'm Olivia, and I'm in the eighth grade. I've just moved schools
because my beloved Mr Grim came here. I'm glad. He last taught at an all-
boys school and I got sick of having to pretend to be a guy so I could go
there.
Johanna: (looks at her with a new respect) You went that far? I'm
impressed. I've pretended to be a pizza deliverer, milkman, catalogue
distributer, postman, furntiure removalist and census taker but never a
man.
Mel: (Shakes her head) Oh, they were the days. Remember the look of Mr
Murdend's face when he realised that you were pretending to be a census
taker?
Johanna: What's funny is that he only realised after he gave me information
about the brand of socks he uses and how many times a day he washes his
hands.
Mel: Or the time you called up from the "post office" asking for his mibile
phone number to confirm his account.
Johanna: I also asked for his middle name, mother's maiden name and his
birthdate.
Mel: Those days.
Johanna: The glory days.
Mel: But Hollie's done lots of crazy stuff in the name of love too. Have
you ever pretended to be a guy for Mr Lucas?
Hollie: No. But I did pretend to have first aid qualifications after he cut
himself when he fell down the stairs.
Johanna: I know, I tried the same thing afterwards!! But I pushed Mr
Murdend down the stairs. He didn't want to accept my help after that.
Mel: I kept taking maths so I could be near Mr Darcy's side.
Mel, Johanna, Olivia and Hollie: (Shake their heads in admiration) Now
that's crazy.
Mel: Welcome to the club, Olivia
Johanna: (Still drooling over the sight of Mr Murdend and Mr Grimm talking
together) I think they should elope, personally. They'd look so beautiful
Johanna.
Mel: I think its high time that we paraded past the teachers in our
bikinis.
Johanna: Most of the are still shirtless. And I brought my digital camera.
Johanna, Mel, Hollie and Olivia:(They high five) ALRIGHT!!