Fade In: A classroom. The time is shortly after 8:25 AM. The loudspeaker, affixed to a stained ceiling, wails loudly enough to cause one’s ears to bleed. Students are restless.

Announcer: Good morning. Please stand for the pledge. (students rise)

Nej: You will unite, or you will fall.

Random Girl: I want to be Aragorn!

Random Boy: I want to be the Pink Ranger!

Teacher-(makes infuriating clucking sound with tongue) Shhhh!

Announcer: Please remain standing for a moment of silece.

(spotlight on solitary figure, facing away from flag. Nej leans over and slaps random boy.)

Random Boy: (astonished) Crazy son of a bi-

Nej: (interrupting, hands thrust in the air, waving madly above her head) How many more must suffer before you face me?!

Notfa: (turns to face Nej) Ha! You are soft like the pudding! Soft like the foam! Soft like…baby duck!

(The two advance towards each other a shade too precisely, rage evident on their faces. Notfa removed her multihued mitten from her left hand, and dramatically extends it, until it touches Nej’s bare flesh.)

Notfa: Touch!

(Nej spasms with fever pitch, eyes wide with feigned shock. A pause. Still twitching violently, she firmly grasps Notfa’s face in her hands.)

Nej: (looking Notfa in her eyes) I don’t ever want to see your eyes like that again. (strokes methodically.)

Notfa: (slumps and begins to purrs) Never!

Random Boy: ‘Ey, yo. Buncha freakin’ psycho’s here, yo. With darn voices in their head, yo.

Notfa:(admonishes) They’re not voices. They are merely signs of us slipping slowly and inexorably into madness... (thoughtful) Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

Random Boy: (sing-song voice, reminiscent of a McDonald’s diddy) Have you had your Prozac today?

Teacher: (stern) Notfa, do you need to go to the office?

Notfa: Nev-, I mean, no, ma’am.

Teacher: Then will you please join the rest of the class?

Notfa: Never! (sits)

Teacher: (exhales, clearly exasperated.) Please open your textbooks to page 793. We will be continuing our discussion about Rasputen. Now, you may recall how last class we discussed how…the cause of his death has been speculated by historians for many years. We heard, and discussed, some of the theories…but I’m interested in your theories, however. Anyone want to share?

(Notfa thrusts hand in the air, waving it with mad abandon.)

Teacher: (rolls eyes and says through clenched teeth) Anyone else?

(Nej raises hand)

Teacher: (brightens) Nej?

Nej: (yoda-like) Hmmmm? I haven’t a clue. But Notfa does! Vote for me!

Notfa: I have a theory….It could be bunnies. No, wait…that’s her line. He’s obviously a vampire.

Teacher: What? A whattiy-what?

Notfa: Vampire. Think about it. He was poisoned, he was stabbed, he was shot…to no avail. He only expired after he drowned. We-uh, they hate vater-uh, water.

Teacher: (sighs) Welcome to speculation 101. Anyone else? (silence) Fine. Then please answer questions 1-12 on page 73-

(A knock at the door.)

Teacher: (Impatient) Yes? Come in.

Ffej: I did not escape. They gave me a day pass. (shows pink slip)

(Notfa makes the classic I-think-you’re-dead-sexy purr sound.)

Ffej: (Grins, looks at Nej) Hey you! (nods to Notfa) Hey, Rouge.

Notfa: You mean to say I suck the life out of people?

Ffej: No…I-I mean…no. ‘Course not.

Notfa: Yes! That’s exactly what you meant. (seizes) I suck the life out of you! Do you hear?! Life-sucker!

Nej: I have a theory- he could be a bunny!

Teacher: D-young man, what are-

Nej: Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes! They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses! And what’s with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for, anyway?! A bunny, a bunny, he must be a bunny!

Ffej: See, she’s just disturbing.

Notfa: Ffej, we need to talk.

Ffej: About?

Notfa: About Ffej Jr.

Ffej: (double-takes) Who?!

Notfa: You should know! He’s our child!

Ffej: Our what?!

Notfa: Nej, bring forth the child!

(Nej brings out Ffej Jr., humming a funeral dirge.)

Ffej: Tha-that’s not my child. I don’t have any children!

Nej: Really? Never? Do you swear?

Ffej: Well, I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it doesn’t…she doesn’t… (speech petters out)

Notfa: Don’t bother denying it any longer! He’s yours, by blood. And I love him with all my heart, just as I love you with every beat of my heart.

Nej and Notfa: Which is why I can’t see you anymore.

Ffej: (puzzled, more than a bit freaked) What?!

Notfa: Yes. It’s nothing personal. In fact, a traitor lurks beneath my breast-stop staring at my breasts! And it hurts me more than you’ve ever guessed. You won’t let me rest in peace. And I’m a Jedi-Master. It is forbidden to fall in love. And I can’t go against the Code any longer, even though I love you so.

Nej: Yes, Saturday was beautiful, but we really have to let this go, or else I’ll waste away into a pile of gray dust.

Ffej: Do both of you want your custom-fit straightjackets now, or later?

Notfa: Oooh, now, now! Then we can form an elite group of society known as the Straitjacketeers!

Nej: In which we will declare our supremacy as the Elite Masters of Insanity, and when it stops raining, we can go pray to our Pagan gods to destroy everyone below us! (insane laughter.)

Notfa: Nej….that would be no one.

Nej: Yes, I know. That’s the whole point!

Ffej: Yea…um…I’m leaving you psychos, now….(begins to inch towards door.)

Notfa: Are you frightened by the deranged teens? So sorry. No, wait. That’s beautiful. Fear us! Arrgh! (lunges at Ffej.)

(Nej sidles around Ffej and is blocking his exit, arms spread wide.)

Ffej: Nej, get out of the way! I’ve got to get to class….

Nej: Wish I could say the right words, wish I could take you by the hand and lead you through this land. Wish I could stay your friend, but I’m just standing in your way…I’m just…standing in the way…

Ffej: Yes, I can see that.

(Notfa tackles Ffej from behind.)

Notfa-(rocking to and fro with a mad gleam in her eyes) We wantsss the preciousss, oh yessss, we do. Shan’t let nasssty theivesss take you back again, oh no, my preciousss. You’re ourssss, you are. Our one, our own!

(Nej locks the door and guards it.)

Nej: Attention, students. We are holding you hostage. Please remain calm.

(sirens begin to wail.)

Announcer: Code blue! Code blue!

Principal: What’s going on here?!

Officer: (drawing him aside.) Sir, we have a situation…

Principal: What situation?

Officer: There’s purple peanut butter on the cafeteria stairs, hostages in room in 302, exam paper airplane races in the 400 hall, and a miniature blue monkey playing the tuba.

(Knarf runs by, after his Chem. Lab experiment, singing “Just another Brick in the Wall,” by Pink Floyd.)

Principal: Officer, after that kid!

Officer: Charge! (he tears after Knarf.)

(Knarf breaks in the door of 302, and Nej is knocked over, falls and stays on the floor.)

Knarf: Dude, I don’t know my own strength! (steps over Nej) So, my peace frogs, what’s happening? (class rolls eyes) Anybody up for leapfrog?

Notfa: What?! Man, can’t you see we’re tryin’ to do a hold-up here? (puts her arm across nose and mouth and laughs evilly.) Now give me all your money, jewels, cell phones, watches, purses, CDs, basically any valuables and place them at my feet, because I am the Queen of Iiawaha!

Nej: C’mon, you maggots! Faster! Glory! Faster! (pokes random students to encourage hurryment, so there’s all this random carrying on and Lliw falls through the ceiling, covered in dust, plaster, and pink feathers.)

Lliw: (gets up and wobbles around the room.) Watch that last step! It’s very verwy slickery!

Notfa: Are his wits safe? Is he not light of brain?

Ffej: It’s my option that that he doesn’t possess so much brains as earwax.

Lliw: Huh?

Geek: (handing Lliw a pocket protector) Here. Don’t sleep on it, though. You’ll get a bruise.

Lliw: Pocket protectors….Away! (launches off desk)

Ffej: Uhm....I’m goin, now....

Notfa: (pouting) Why? Is it because I’m evil?

Ffej: (eyes closed with exasperation) No, you’re not e-Look. I’m not leaving because you’re evil,or psychotic, or obivously madly in love with me. I’m leaving because....(pause, thoughtful) Auctually, though are all pretty good reasons. (makes for the door)

Notfa: (sing-song) Okay, but if you leave, I’ll do something evil, like set stuf afire of glue things together!

Nej: See? She’s outta her mind! Ain’t it cool?

Lliw: She’s like Vader. Well, truthfully, she’s sweet around you....so....more like....Vader in the last five minutes of ‘Jedi.

Knarf: Only when she’s around you, though.

Nej: She’s an evil genius, you know. In all acutuallity, she’s a fire-mage, anthro-drow Elf Jedi Master who resides on Pluto, which is occupied by similar evil geniuses.

Knarf: Nothing much gets done around there, I suspect.

Ffej: (confused) Isn’t Pluto covered in ice?

Nej: (leaning over and giving a slow, conspiring wink) That’s only what we want you to think.

Notfa: See? I’m good.

Ffej: Okay, Notfa. When have you ever been good?!

Notfa: Well, uh....(pause) Basically? Never. (leans over him and twines about him) But I’m prepared to be good for you.

Ffej: (tempted) Well...that’s...that’s nice...to know. But I really need to get to class.

Notfa: Never! You can’t leave! You’re like my Obi-Wan...or...Patrick Swausey. Not to mention you’re a blue berry studmuffin. You know what I’m talking about. The kind with the crunchy-munchy stuff on top!

Ffej:(sighs) Fine. I’ll make a deal with you. You play me in chess. If I win, you let me and all these nice people go. If you win....(he takes a deep breath and mutters) Then’ll I’ll stay here and be your blueberry studmuffin.

Notfa: Nev- I mean...okay.

(They proceed to play, and Notfa captures a Knight)

Notfa: You are soft like the foam! Soft like the pudding! Soft like...baby duck!

(Ffej captures one of Notfa’s pawns)

Nofa: Never!

(Officer attempts to unlock door...key sticks and will not turn or come back out.)

Mental Ward Employee: Ma’am, please unlock the door.

Notfa: Never!

Officer: We just-

Notfa: Never! Bite me! Never!

(Inivisble window opens; enter Hsoj)

Lliw: Aah! (scream of sheer terror) Hsoj is coming through the wall! He’s a ghost! All these Skord are crushin’ on a ruddy ghost! Ha! (Gasp! passes out from fright)

Hsoj: (looks down a Lliw, shakes his head sadly.) The poor, foolish child.

Nej: (surprised gasp) Nom Ima Rehc! (runs over, gives Hsoj big hug)

Nej: (suddenly serious, nods to Notfa and Ffej) What if Notfa can’t defeat him?

Lliw: (mumbling in his sleep) Are we leaving her pawn in danger?

Nej: Is our Elf too far gone to care?

All: We’ll see it through, it’s what we’re always here to do. We will walk through the fire...and let it burn!

Lliw: Burn, baby, burn!

(Ffej captures Bishop)

Notfa: Never!

Hsoj: (puzzled) What’s going on? Notfa hates to loose. And....oh.

Nej: What do you mean, “oh?”

Hsoj: She’s too far gone, alright. She’s in love.

Nej: You’re delusional. (quickly) But I love you anyway. But, come on, peace frog! She’s the Elite Mistress of Insanity. She bows to none! Serves none, save herself and the Elite Master of Insa...oh.

Lliw: Who are we talking about?!

Knarf: (slaps Lliw) We’re about to loose Mi’lady to Mi’lord!

Nej: (falls to her knees, shouts at the ceiling all dramatic-like) Noooo!

(Pink bubble waering gold crown floats down from the ceiling.)

Knarf: Oh...pretty bubble! (reaches out to touch)

Hsoj: Who the heck are you?

Bubble: (manical laughter) I am...the bubble of love!

Knarf: (gasps) It’s time for some dramatic background music! (cue music)

Lliw: The whosabouts of what?

Bubble: The bubble of love! And in mere moments, your friend shall be mine...body and soul!

Notfa: Never!

Bubble: Oh yes, precious, oh yes!

Nej: You lie!

Bubble: Oh? (points to Notfa) Behold!

(Notfa has attached a bondage collar, complete with long chain, to her neck, which she hands to Ffej, who hesitates for a minute, then accepts it. Notfa proceeds to rub up agianst him, purring. Pink bubble laughs manically)

Nej: No! (slaps Notfa) Snap out of it, woman! I’m too young for you to leave me!

Knarf: Yeah, and what about the Straitjacketeets? Are you really going to forsake them?

Hsoj: I’ll take care of this! (rubs chargers briskly together) Clear!

Ffej: Um....if she’s a vampric-Elf...isn’t that knid of pointless?

Hsoj: Good point. (tosses chargers away in disgust)

Lliw: (slicing the head off of construction paper turkey) Alas! Poor Turklet! I knew him well!

Hsoj: (to Nej) Permission to smack him?

Nej: Granted. Any and every time you want to.

Ffej: Check.

Notfa: Check this! (gets up and dances madly around the room, singing “Can’t touch this”)

(Knarf lights a lighter, holds it up and waves it to and fro, class follows suit)

Notfa: (sits, moves queen to protect King, Ffej moves bishop back, Notfa captures his king...) ...And mate. Checkmate!

Nej: So the battle’s done and she kinda won...

Hsoj: So we’ll sound our victory cheer. Understand we’ll go hand in hand, but we’ll walk alone in fear...

Lliw: And cheese!

Nej: And so, dear friends, we come to a close, and how will the the curtains close? On a kiss, Gods knows...

Notfa: (to Ffej) You’re mine, now. Body and soul. My blueberry studmuffin with crunchy-munchy stuff on top...and you’re free to go.

Ffej: Notfa...

Notfa: (angry) Just go! Or I’ll send out my green things to haunt you for all of time! (turns away)

Nej: God save us all!

Ffej: Notfa...(spins her round to face him, gathers her up and kisses her full on the mouth.) Shall we dance, Mi’lady?

(Notfa and Ffej slow dance close together, perfectly content, spotlighted.)

Nej: No fair! I wanna studmuffy too! (whining, pouting, reahces over and grabs Hsoj by the arm) My starlight, my angel, with you be my valentine? (smiles sweetly)

Hsoj: It would be my pleasure.

(They join hands and slowly spin in circles, spotlighted. Classmates get on top of desks and do the Funky Chicken, yelling, “There’s no such thing as the real world!” while spraying Silly String all over the place. Lliew glues Magic cards to the wall methodically. Knarf randomly puts smiley faces stickers in everyone’s hair, while whistling, “Row, row, row, your boat.” Pink Bubble gets sick in the corner from all the chaos.)

Lliw: 36!

Nej: Hey, sister!

Notfa: (dreamily) Hmmmmm?

Nej: Not bad, huh?

Notfa: Mmmmmmmm.

Knarf: Group Hug!

(Knarf, Notfa, Ffej, Nej, and Hsoj join in a big hug)

Notfa: We shall live to see these days renewed!

Bubble: What?

(Blackout. Curtain call.)

The End!