From far away she's really beautiful, I mean WOW. Even a little bit close up you see her and think man there's a girl I'd really like to fuck. And when she talks to you in that special dirty way with her voice all sexy and a little bit slurred and rubs up on you. I mean damn. I was getting a hard on. So I found myself in bed with her. but it wasn't like any of that or anything at all.

She was like fucking a barbie doll. A plastic barbie with those stiff limbs and those nippless tits that you can't even grope and it's like man, all I want is something soft and moist to shove my stuff into and here I got this fucking plastic barbie. She was like that and she was like a dead body. It wasn't that she didn't get into it, I mean she did, she made all these noises and shit but that coulda been fake, you know, for my benefit. So I really just couldn't get into it, this isn't what I wanted at all, come to think of it what did I want? She offered to suck me off but I just didn't feel like it.

And then she was crying, and I found myself holding her head, you know, all cuddly like you never get with a one night stand, but I asked her what's on her mind and she just starts going on about plastic. I mean, I understand about plastic, she felt real plastic, but this was too weird. How when you go for one of those plastic cups, the disposable kind you only want em from the plastic. Not just some foreign cup, (At this point it's like what the fuck is she talking about?) and she wasn't from plastic she was from trash so really no matter how many people wanted her and told her she was perfect she was still just trash and how inadequate she felt and worthless. Well i understood that. I told her about the time I was too high to get a hard on and I felt so inadequate because my girlfriend wanted my dick and I couldn't even do it for her. That just made her cry more. So I said don't worry, I don't have a girlfriend now, we broke up. But she just kept crying and said "hold me," so I did.

It went like that all night. I'd never had a girl stay the night like that before where I just held her and that was it. I mean I guess we did have sex early on--but I wouldn't even call it sex, it was so shit, and it really wasn't her fault. I don't know who's fault it was. Maybe whoever made her want to be just bones. Anyways, after she fell asleep I just looked at her. And that's when she was really beautiful, not like before when she'd been all done up. Here she was so peaceful and her hair all messed and in her face and naked and wrapped in my white sheet and really she was so pale, I hadn't noticed before but she was almost the same color as my sheet. Maybe it was just the lighting or cause I was high or something. But anyways she was really beautiful and that's when I wiped off her face (there were still tears) and kissed her forehead and settled down to sleep too, and I thought I could really get to like this. This cuddling, you know, and not just cause it leads to sex. I thought how when she'd been crying and I'd held her almost like she was a baby, I'd really wanted to make her feel good or at least just better. She really was beautiful but not in the way I'd thought, not at all.

But when I woke up in the morning she had already left. I saw her at school sometimes, in the halls. We would just make eye contact and maybe that was enough. But I felt this huge sense of loss. I should have known she would go on to other guys, that she needed to be that way, I just really hoped that some of them would hold her the way I did, and that they would make her feel good. She never looked beautiful in the way she did that night sleeping. But I knew it was in her. She just went back to being plastic. Once I was hanging with these two guys at a kegger and there she was dancing around with a guy, dancing real dirty, grinding and shit. One of my friends said "hey look at how hot that girl is." I thought I could brag and say I slept with her, and normally I would have, but I just stayed quiet. Then this other dude we were with said "that girl is a totall slut,"

"No, no she's not," I said. Then walked away. I wondered if she would sleep with that guy she was grinding with and did it matter?

Months later I heard about it--that she had died of that disease teenage girls keep getting. Anorexia. At least that was the rumor I heard. But I found out later she had really shot herself. It just made me sad and I really had to wonder why. And I wished I could have known her better, but I also realized she probably never would have let me know her. I eventually found a girl, I stopped partying and sleeping around so much and found another girl that I really like for talking and holding her, not just cause of the sex. Maybe that's what it's all about, holding the people you care about.