Once upon a time there was a man named Bert, but everyone knew him as Crispy Glover. He was an unusal man, as he took to wearing tutus and carrying bottles of wine. And if that wasn't enough he also wore fruit-laden hats, but only on special occasions. These weren't your ordinary pink tutus either, they were special checked ones. Now, on this particular day he was wearing a nice green red and yellow one, which contrasted nicely with his large black Doc Martens. How wonderful I look, he mused, as he gazed at his reflection in a lake. Recently Crispy had had just too many strange adventures in the city, so he thought a bit of country would do well for his soul.

As he stood, gazing admiringly into the lake, trying different angles and poses, he wasn't aware of the huge slightly-aggravated turkey that had snuck up behind him unawares. Little did he know that his brightly-coloured clothing had angered the fashion-conscious turkey, and as he sat gazing at himself he was suddenly thrown into the water by the mad fowl. Unluckily he didnt have his rubber ring, so, due to the weight of his Doc Martens, he was dragged under the surface and into the misty black of the Loch Ness.

Here we go again, he mused, and laughed slightly. Even though he didn't have his bright-pink rubber ring with him this time, he had decided to sew a small flotation cushion into his tutu, especially for these eventualities. As he sunk, he pulled the little cord, and the flotation device automatically filled with air through some devious mechanism he hadn't managed to figure out. At once, his descent decelerated and he slowly began rising back to the surface, belly-button first. As Crispy never wore shirts or any form of upper clothing, the sight on his pale stomach caused alot of commotion and many people mistook it for Nessy herself. Unfortunately he had failed to realise that his head would remain submerged in the icy water, unless he forced it above, causing neck pain. His late Auntie Gertie had had neck pain. What she was late for, he never found out, but the reason for her lateness was a horrific death involving a wheelchair and a deranged cat of 16 years.

Poor Auntie Gertie, he thought, and bubbled slightly. He managed to raise his head out of the water, and noticed people running around in some sort of panic, waving at him and pointing at him. Crispy always tried to be polite (which usually had the wrong effect on people) so he waved back and smiled. The people seemed to get even more excited, and he realized they weren't pointing *at* him, but *past* him. He stopped waving and looked the other way. Ah, he thought, and laughed slightly, if not a little nervously.

There was a huge dark shadow under the water. A monster of sorts, seemingly. It was over 15 foot in length and almost that in width. That was Crispy's estimation anyway, but he never went to school so it really meant very little. It was this shadow that the people were pointing and waving at, taking photos and things. Crispy told himself to be calm and enjoy this. He was sure to be on each photograph and be known as the man who met Nessy, or something. He laughed slightly at the thought of the headlines, such as "Man in Tutu First Human to..." To what? he thought. The answer suddenly became apparent, as a huge reptilian mouth shot out the water and gulped him down in one foul movement, disappearing under the surface as quickly as it had appeared. Yes, that would do nicely, Crispy thought, as he tumbled down a slippery slope into darkness.

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