The crazy thing called love

Chapter 1:

"The Walk to School"

There comes a time in every young man’s life when he finally realizes that girls do not carry the infectious disease known as “cooties.” They open their eyes to the truth to see just what girls really are; creatures of impossible beauty that are as delicate as a flower.

This period of time is known as adolescently. Or to put it in layman’s terms; they hit puberty and grew into a bunch of hormone induced teenage boys.

However this period is important for the girls as well. This is the moment in life that they had been waiting for. If they didn’t know what would happen to them when they hit their teens, they would never have put up with so much crap from the boys back in elementary school.

Remember elementary school? Boys picking on the girls, calling them names, putting random object in their hair like bugs, frogs, or art supplies. It was a childhood hell. And the girls took the abuse they got.

The one thing that kept girls going to their teens was the mere thought of those boys one day begging the girls for a date when they became teenagers. The boys who were so mean, just cruel and heartless jerks, now begged at the girls’ feet like a puppy begging for scraps.

It’s a pitiful stage in evolution. Where males find themselves doing anything asked of them by their girlfriends. I’ve seen extremely tough boys who were extremely manly and rugged standing in one of them stores that most guys wouldn’t have been caught dead in, holding numerous outfits and a purse while his girlfriend tries on several clothes, walks out of the dressing room and asks, “honey, do these make me look fat?”

Now any logical man on the planet would always reply, “Of course not, you look terrific baby!” Any guy who answers that question with, “Yes honey, you look like a bloated hippo on steroids,” is digging his own grave.

Yes it truly is a magical (and sickening) time for the young-ins.

That time had come for a 15 year old red head boy named Joe Momma.

The problem was, it had come for him about three years ago.

As a result, Joe was quite a lonely and depressed boy.

He had been 13 years old when Joe had first found himself attracted to females.

The thing was; they didn’t find him quite as attractive as he found them.

He was now 15 and was now a sophomore in high school. He lived in the quiet little town of Green Hill Falls, Wisconsin.

In the three years since Joe had reached that magical time of puberty, Joe had only had one successful relationship.

He had been in sixth grade when he first met her; Melody Star. They were best friends for the longest time.

Then they hit puberty.

In Eighth grade they fell in love with each other. But they were forced to end their wonderful relationship when Melody had to move away.

Since then, Joe had tried to begin a new relationship with a girl. He had this strange desire to be loved. And he had been rejected every time. In fact Joe still holds the world record for “most times having been shot down.”

Joe was depressing himself as he walked to school one Friday morning.

“I’ll probably never find someone and live all alone. I’ll end up being one of those creepy neighborhood old guys who has a theme.” Joe thought bitterly, “Maybe I’ll get myself a cat, and be that creepy old guy who talks to his cat. Then I’ll get more cats, call them my babies, Kids will pass by my house and they will run. “Run! Run away from Crazy Cat Man!” They’ll cry.”

Needless to say; Joe’s self-confidence had been shot.

His depressing thoughts were interrupted by the call from one of the few people who actually like him. He turned around to and saw a wild head of blue hair. It was his best friend Homey.

He had that clueless look in his eyes that made him look like he was lost. And he probably was. Homey had once gotten lost before he even left his own house.

Homey waved at Joe and flashed him a goofy grin.

Then he tripped on his own shoelaces. He rolled a few times, scrambled to his feet and continued walking. Acting like it had never happened. "Just be cool," Homey said to himself, "Be cool, remember, I am the real Slim Shady."

Then he walked right into a lamp post!

Joe couldn’t help but smile. Homey’s stupidity usually amused him. His friend was not exactly a strait-A student. He looked like an elementary school drop-out too; His blue hair was wildly messed up. Homey was a natural blond, but he dyed his hair blue during freshmen year. He used too many boxes of dye however and his hair stayed blue. He liked it though. Homey thought it made him look like a gangsta.

He looked like a gangsta poser as he stumbled around, dizzy from the collision with the lamp post. "Yo, Joe!" He called out in a daze.

"What up Homey?" Joe responded

"Well, I got a head-ach, but other than that, it’s all good!"

The sound of electronic music alerted Joe and Homey to their other best friend’s approach.

They called him Dude. They didn’t really know what his real name was (the same thing was true for Homey) so they just called him “Dude.” He didn’t mind.

He came walking up to them with his eyes glued to his portable knock-off of the Nintendo Game Boy; The Game-Playa. Dude was a hard core video game junkie. He never went anywhere without his Game-Playa. He loved video games and lived his life by video games. Dude was not just a video game junkie, he was a comic book geek as well.

Everyone in town thought that Joe and Dude were related. They both looked very much alike to one another, except that Joe had red hair and Dude’s hair was a sandy brown. Other than that, they looked like brothers. However, they were not related in any way.

"What’s happening guys?" Dude asked as he approached without even looking up from his game.

"Well, I see a bright light." Homey said, looking up.

"That's the sun you moron." A stern female voice growled.

The voice belonged to the town terror Rose Gardan. She was the meanest girl Joe had ever met. She had the ability to make grown men cry. She was very intimidating, with her head of jet Black hair and her soul piercing eyes. She would have been quite evil looking if it weren’t for her bright colored cloths that she wore. Her trademark Red pants with the orange flames imprinted on each leg matched her personality perfectly; she was a match that could ignite any minute.

While Rose had a very low tolerance for stupidity, she dated Homey for some reason. Homey and Rose had been going out for over a year now and Homey had received a ton of abuse form her. Both physically and mentally. Nobody knew why they continued to see each other. Some say Homey liked the Abuse. Some say Rose hated Homey secretly. Some even say that Homey is a green eyed toad from Jupiter for some reason (the students of Green Hill Falls had very active imaginations).

But nevertheless, Homey still dated Rose and nobody said anything about it. Or else Rose would have been on their case, and nobody wanted to deal with Rose.

“Rose, be nice.” A sweet melodic voice rang out.

Nobody except for a sweet girl named Candy Apple; Dude’s girlfriend and Rose’s best friend as well as her worst enemy. Candy was the only person brave enough to stand up to Rose.

Well, maybe ‘brave’ isn’t the right word to use; since Candy was not afraid of Rose.

She was a very sweet girl who was nice to just about everyone. For some reason though, Candy really hated to see others being mistreated and only then did she get angry. The problem with Candy was, that she bottled up her anger inside of her. Unlike Rose, who let her anger out at anything from a smart alec remark to a simple cough.

Candy was certainly a pleasant sight for the eyes; she wore bright colors, as well as a warm and friendly smile upon her face. Her eyes glittered with warmth and kindness. Joe really liked how her strawberry blond hair kind of had a pinkish hue to it. The red stripe that parted her hair down the middle looked pretty cool. She had dyed it in her freshmen year and had continued to dye it since.

She smiled warmly at her friends as she approached, "How are you guys doing?"

"As if we care," Rose added, her tone of voice as icy and cold as her eyes.

"Pretty darn good," Dude said not even glancing away from his game.

"I've been better." Joe told them and he meant it. In fact, Joe really couldn’t remember the last time he had actually felt truly happy.

"Who am I? Where am I? Am I a guy or a girl? What's my name?" Homey asked, looking down his shirt just to be sure that he was still a male. The others rolled their eyes at him, “Hey, It doesn’t hurt to be cautious. You never know; one night you go to bed as a male and in the morning you wake up and discover that you grew breasts.”

Rose rolled her eyes again. He was so stupid sometimes. "Did you at least do your homework for today?” Rose often treated Homey like a child and constantly watched over him. This worked quite well however, since Homey usually acted like a child anyway.

“Why Rose," Homey said, beginning another one of his overly long and unnecessary speeches that he often did. No one knows why he did it. In fact, No one really knew why Homey did any of the stupid things he did. Maybe it made Homey feel smarter. Know one really knew. "I am shocked that you think that I do not have the responsibility and common sense to do my homework without anyone having to remind me. It's the fact that you do not trust me that hurts me. I don't think I could ever look you in the eyes again, knowing that you no longer trust me."

"You didn't do it did you Homey?" Rose asked him

"Well. No but...”

"I knew it!” Rose growled, “Can’t you do anything correctly on your own?”

“I can dress myself.” Homey meekly replied.

“Oh you can? Did you know your pants are on backwards?”

“So that’s why I’m so uncomfortable,” Homey said as if there were no other possibility. He dove into a nearby bush to change.

“So Dude, how are you doing with The Legend of Sega?” Joe asked, just trying to make conversation so he wouldn’t feel any lonelier than he already was.

Dude looked up from his favorite video game for the first time that morning. “I’m doing great. I’ve finally reached Dannon’s Castle. I’ve got four extra fairies and I’ve assembled the Qui-Force.”

“That’s nice.” Joe replied. He didn’t have a clue as to what Dannon’s castle was or what the heck a Qui-Force was. Video Games were one of the only things anyone could really talk to Dude about and keep his attention.

Dude looked at his Game-Playa for a second then he looked at Joe, “There has been one thing that has been bothering me. Look at this Joe,” He shoved the game system under Joe’s nose, “Jinx is a guy right? Why on earth does he always wear a skirt?”

Indeed the tiny character on the screen was clothed in an Orange Tunic and what appeared to be an orange skirt.

Joe shrugged his shoulders, “Maybe he’s Scottish and he’s wearing a kilt.”

About that time Homey emerged from the bushes with his pants on correctly. He sneered at Rose and replied, “There you go Rose, Now do you have any other comments you want to say?”

“Yes,” Rose replied, “Your fly’s open.”

(later)

They arrived on school grounds; Joe let out a loud sigh. Candy; always the sweet one in the group, asked, "What's wrong Joe?"

"Oh nothing" Joe lied as he sat down on the steps in front of the school.

"You are not telling me the truth are you Joe?"

“Maybe…” Joe responded avoiding Candy’s eyes.

“Joe…” Candy slowly said in a disappointed tone of voice, “I can tell when you are lying, you know that. Why do you still continue to try and lie to me when you know that I will see through you like glass?”

“Because I might think that you’ll take pity on me and try and comfort me if you think I’m depressed.”

“Joe, would you just tell me what is wrong?” Candy asked. A concerned tone showed in her voice.

“Alright, I’ll tell you,” Joe sighed. He liked any attention that he could get, it made him fell liked. “I don’t know what it is exactly, but I think I have this strange desire to be loved.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s just very uncomfortable for me to be around you guys. Don’t get me wrong Candy, you are very nice. I just mean that… Well… Both of my best friends have found girlfriends. They both have someone who loves them.” Joe lowered his voice to a whisper and added, “At least I think that they are loved. I don’t really know; I doubt that Rose loves Homey at all. The way she treats him is… just barbaric! Why is he still with her?”

"I heard that," Rose said, "Pain turns Homey on. That's why."

"LIES!!!" Homey shouted. Rose said nothing and rolled her eyes.

“I’ve just been thinking,” Joe continued, “That I would like to experience that joy of having that special someone. What if I never find her? What if I continue to go through life forever knowing that no body loves me?”

“What are you talking about Joe?” Dude asked looking up from his game for a minute, “We love you man!”

Homey walked over to Joe and said, “Joe, do you need a hug?”

“Yes,” Joe replied, “But not from you.”

“How about a kiss?” Homey asked.

“No!”

“How about a tushy squeeze?”

“GET AWAY FROM ME!”

“Fine!” Homey pouted, “Be that way! And you wonder why no one loves you!”

Homey was not gay by any means. He had a girlfriend, and he did care about Rose. Homey was just a very weird person who just said things like that.

“But look at me though!” Joe cried, “I’m a butt-ugly freak of nature who can’t be loved!”

Dude looked right at Joe, thanks to the wonderful invention of the pause button, “That isn’t true Joe. You’re as cute as a bug’s ear.”

“What does that mean?” Joe asked.

“I don’t know.” Dude replied, going back to his game, “It’s just one of those things you say to cheer up someone who thinks they are ugly. Come on work with me here Joe.”

“Joe,” Homey piped in, “That really isn’t true; you are not a freak of nature.”

“Gee, thanks.” Joe remarked.

Candy walked over to Joe and put her arm around his shoulder. Joe felt oddly much calmer. Candy had that ability to make things around her feel warm and happy. It was unexplainable, and maybe it was all in their heads. But joy followed Candy where ever she went.

“You know Joe,” Candy began, “they say that for every person in the world, there exists a perfect match for them somewhere in the world. You just got to find your special person Joe.”

“Well that’s just great!” Joe whined, “What do I do if my perfect match lives somewhere in Siberia or something?”

“No problem!” Homey replied smiling a goofy smile, “We’ll just buy you a plane ticket to Asia!”

“Siberia is in Russia, Homey.” Candy corrected.

“Whatever,” Homey said, “Russia. Asia. Same thing. They are both condiments!” He dug inside his coat pocket. “How much will a plane ticket to Siberian cost?”

“From one to nine hundred thousand dollars.”

“Oh. Well… I got seventeen cents.”

Candy ignored Homey. Well she tried. She couldn’t help but smile at his stupidity. “What you got to do is not give up and keep looking for that right girl. I just know that the right person is out there for you someplace.”

"Probably hiding," Dude remarked.

"Under a rock." Homey added.

That’s when Candy snapped. She rarely lost her temper, but Dude and Homey’s lack of compassion for their best friend had finally gotten on her nerves. They got on Rose’s nerves as well. But then again, it didn’t take much to get on Rose’s nerves.

Candy slapped Dude across the face while Rose pummeled Homey with her backpack. And for Homey that was like getting hit by a semi. Because Rose had a bag full of text books for school. Most of the books she had were pretty much useless for the classes she took, but the school assigned them to her anyway. Maybe it was so the teachers could truly earn their buck-fifty an hour and not teach the children as much. Instead, they always turned to the text books. And the books made no sense either. Still, they made good weapons for walloping other students with.

Dude’s eyes filled with tears and his game-playa slipped from his hands and fell to the ground. It hit the pavement with a sickening crack! The battery case opened and the batteries popped out. The game instantly went blank and shut off. This only made Dude cry harder, “NO!!! I HAVEN’T EVN SAVED IT YET! I’LL HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN!” He looked up at Candy with tear-filled eyes, “What did I do to deserve this Candy?”

“Yeah and what did I do?” Homey whined.

"You were born!" Rose snapped at a confused Homey,

“Why Candy? Why?” Dude repeated.

Candy’s face instantly softened and all the rage emptied out of her. “I’m sorry Dude!” She suddenly cried, wrapping her arms around him. “I am really sorry!

Dude returned the hug to her and whined, “That’s ok really… It’s just a (sob)…Stupid game!” He hugged her tightly and bawled onto her shoulder.

She patted his head and softly replied, “Its ok. There there. Could you and Homey at least do me a favor and show some concern for Joe rather than making smart remarks?”

Dude nodded and meekly replied, “Uh-huh.”

“I really am sorry Dude!” She said, hugging him and kissing him again. “You know that I don’t like to hit you.”

"Oh you should do it more often, it's tons of fun!" Rose told her, "I could just smack around Homey for days! It's fun for the whole family."

"But you're not going to hit me are you?" Homey asked with hope.

"I'm pretty tempted to do it now if you don't shut up!" Rose warned.

"You need some anger management classes." Homey told her, but was sorry he did, Rose pounced on Homey like a lion pounces on its prey!

While Rose was playing fist-tag with Homey, Candy continued, "I gotta go now Joe, but I want you to have some faith in yourself. If you don't find a girl now, don't worry because, there's plenty of fish in the sea." Candy turned to go inside the school. She stopped when she noticed a huge cyclone of dust near the old oak tree. She put her hands on her hips and cried out, “Rose! Leave Homey Alone! Be nice to him for a change!”

The vortex faded, and Candy saw that Rose had a Kung-Fu-Death Grip on his neck, and tongue, which she had wrapped around his neck three times.

"O.K. I'll let him live for now." Rose said glaring at him, releasing her grip. Instantly, his tongue went back into his mouth like a tape measure. But you better watch you're back Homey!" she warned him.

She always abused Homey like that. No one was quite sure why. Some say she hated him. Some say that he actually likes the abuse. But no body really knows why Rose treats Homey the way she does. That was Rose's dirty little secret, and would probably have taken it to the grave with her.

No one noticed the poor unconscious boy lying under the tree. His name was Fredrick Brown. He had gotten caught up in the middle of Rose’s melee. He was known for that. He had the uncanny ability to always be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Freddy “bad-luck” Brown had been thrown against the oak tree and was now lying under the tree thinking, “Why on earth do I always end up in the middle of a fight?” Nobody really took notice of the boy. No on ever did.

As soon as both girls were gone, Dude and Homey approached Joe.

Dude said, "You know Candy was right, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but in your case. There’s a hole in the boat,"

"And the bait is dead." Homey finished.

Suddenly, Rose bellowed, "HOMEY!!! HURRY UP!!!! I'M ONLY GOING TO BE SIXTEEN FOR SO LONG YOU KNOW!!"

Dude and Homey took off into the building instantly, leaving poor Joe all by himself.

He let out a sigh and looked up at the sky above, and then he said aloud, "Will I ever find the right girl for me?"

A passerby student kindly replied, "Who the heck are you talking to you weirdo?"