Jisatsu

I think I was always like this. Always wanting to die. I'm sure there was of course a time when I was happy, but if it existed, it existed in a time long forgotten. So where does this leave me? It leaves me hanging in between life and death as I press the cold razor to my skin. It's like a release, like a drug, makes me forget life's so bad. Makes me think that I'm actually in control.

Then again, maybe I do have control over my life. After all, it is I slitting my wrists; it is I who sits in a dark corner as I eat lunch. I avoid people. I avoid life. Maybe I want do die. So why don't I press down harder? Maybe I'm a coward, or maybe I just want the pain and don't want do die.

No, I want to die.

Nobody has ever shown me love, and therefore I have no place in this world. I never knew my mother and my father ignored me because he had my little sister and older siblings to love. I was the middle child, the ignored child. I don't think I'm too bitter about that, or having to raise myself. I guess I'm bitter that I was forced to grow up so fast. I lost my childhood. Sure, I was smarter than most kids, more mature. But I lost my childhood.

I can never have that back.

Nobody ever did love me, except maybe my cat or something… but she's dead, got hit by a car a few weeks back. For "just as soon as I belong, then it's time I disappear". Truer words were never spoken. I always moved around you see, never had a place to call home. "And I'll redefine everywhere. Anywhere I may roam, where I lay my head is home".

Perhaps I am wrong; maybe my younger sister did like, or maybe even love me. She would always hang around me… but no, that isn't love. That's just being… being what? I don't know… but it doesn't matter. I don't matter, neither does she.

I'm not one of those people who can walk into a room and have a demanding presence, I'm silent, dark, unnoticed. I like it that way, and as I press down on the razor, nobody cares you see? I become one with the darkness. I'm going to where I belong. I don't demand a presence; nobody will care if I die. Most importantly, I won't care if I die.

"Life it seems will fade away. Drifting further every day. Getting lost within myself. Nothing matters no one else."

It's a pity though; I think I'll miss my music, my CDs, but nobody else. Not even my sister.

I wonder… if she loves me… will she cry?

If only I could attend my own funeral.