I was three, when I drowned. I fell into the water and immediately sank below the surface. Water filled my lungs and I gasped for air, but more and more water flowed into me, filled my inside and pushed outside, as if it wanted to break the shell, that surrounded my soul. Instinctively I knew, that there would be no return, if the water inside merged with the water outside. So I thrashed my arms and legs about, when I felt something touching my arm. It was the moment, that I saw him for the first time. A shadowy figure with long black hair. His eyes, that hid deeply in its sockets, bore an unreadable expression, and even though I should have been terrified, I felt calmness and freedom surround me all at once. He slowly glided closer and leaned towards me. The last thing, I felt, were his cool lips on my forehead, before silky darkness was embracing me.

Later I was told, that it had been a miracle. When I had fallen into the water -well, to honour the truth, I had jumped into it, - I had been nowhere to be found. But when my parents almost had given up, I had suddenly lied on my father`s arms, as if someone had placed me there very carefully. My parents called it luck, a miracle, but I knew better. He had released me. I just didn`t understand, why. Of course I was glad to be alive. So glad, that from that moment on I shunned the water, even though I felt irresistibly drawn towards it. When I finally learned to swim, I payed attention to always keep my head above the surface afraid, he could take me with him at last. But I didn`t see him again. When the years passed by, the memory disappeared and with it my fears vanished, too. All that remained, was an unexplicable unrest, a mixture of yearning and timidity.

My parents were also inclined to the water, even though it never filled them with such fear and fascination as it filled me, but so it came, that we spent most of the holidays at the sea. Peaceful summers, when the sea laid like a bluegreen mirror plate in front of me. Stormy autumns, when the water resembled a darkgrey wound, torn open by the wild wind. But sometimes it happened, that we spent our holidays in the mountains instead. Then I was standing on a mountain meadow, surrounded by the chirping of birds, embraced by the sweet scent of flowers, and within all this blooming splendour I only yearned to hear the ocean roar. Everytime I returned, I hurried down to the beach and stopped just an inch, before the water could touch my feet. The roaring of the floods welcomed me like a long missed friend, the fine drops on my face were like tears of a yearning friend and the salt burned on my lips like the kisses of a secret love.

Even later, when I was no longer a child, I loved to run barefooted along the beach, so close to the water, that it almost touched my feet. But each time, when ist effervescing fingers reached out for me, I withdrew; almost fearfully attentive, that no drop ever touched my skin.

Often I was standing on board of a ship, looking down into the unfathomable water. I felt dizzy and it seemed to me, as if I heard a voice, whispering and luring. How tempting was the thought to simply let go into the wet darkness. But each time, when my body slowly leant forwards, an opposed power dragged me back. As much as I felt the deep sea`s attraction, my wanting to live was stronger. But even though I knew I should, I couldn`t stay away from the water for long. Quite the opposite. The more I forgot what had happened, the more I repressed the memory of him, the more I approached the water again. Even though I still couldn`t bring myself to swim in the sea - maybe I subconsciously feared, he could draw me into the deep towards him-, but I enjoyed the cooling power of the water, that trickled my knuckles.

I particularly loved to walk along the beach, when the sun went down. I watched the sky change from a tender pink to a dark purple and enjoyed the deep, almost sensual peace, that filled my heart. I looked onto the water and felt a bittersweet dragging pain, I couldn`t name. I listened to the whispering of the waves, luring and mysterious. But when the last light of day died away and my gaze met the nightblack sea, the atmosphere changed. First unnoticeable, but undoubtedly real the peace withdrew from my soul and gave place to an increasing unrest. Tension was in the air and the whispering of the sea swelled to a forceful roaring. The ocean`s voice was no longer soft and luring, but urgent and demanding, and a hardly describable fear took posession of me; it rose cold along my neck, penetrated every pore and finally laid like an icy chain around my heart. I never bore this tension for long and fled just a few minutes after darkness had awaken.

It was on a warm night at the end of august, when I decided to bear the eery atmosphere. I wanted to prove to myself, that the feeling of approaching danger was just my imagination. And so I forced myself to ignore the cold breath in my neck and to pay no attention to the urgent sighs of the waves. The tension quickly grew into the unbearable and all my senses were utterly sharpened, but I held out. I didn`t turn around, I didn`t run away. I stayed and when the fear threatened to overflood me, I took a deep breath and stepped closer to the ocean. I let my gaze roam over the nightly sea and tried to see, where the sky merged into the ocean, far away at the horizon. Just when the tension slowed down a bit, I suddenly saw a fleeting movement; a shadow gliding across the surface. Instinctively I stepped back and stared onto the wetness in front of me. I told myself, that it was just fantasy, caused by my overstimulated nerves, when again I saw a shadow darting across the water. Closer this time and suddenly I sensed a presence, a feeling of absolute evilness. Abruptly I turned round and wanted to escape from the beach, when suddenly a spheric voice sounded behind me, floating over the roaring of water.

"Not everything, you don`t understand, is evil."

I froze in my tracks; I didn`t want to believe what I had heard. But I didn`t dare to turn around either. Was I afraid, it could be true, he could be real? Or did I fear, he wasn`t? Again his voice sounded, this time soft and sad.

"I once let you go, don`t you remember?"

This time I turned around and I wasn`t even surprised, when I saw the figure floating in and above the water. A shadowy figure with long black hair. I closed my eyes and suddenly I remembered: I remembered two deep eyes, looking almost amazed at me; I remembered his lips, cool and soft.

"Yes, I remember." I said quietly, when I opened up my eyes again and looked at him. All my fear was blown away, when I accepted the truth of him, and I stepped into the water, that covered my feet by now. He extended his supple long fingers and caressed my cheek; it was just a short soft touch, but I felt cold sparks racing down my spine.

"You shall come to me voluntarily. But not today, not now." He whispered and slowly sank into the floods, until I couldn`t see him anymore.

After this night nothing had ever been the same. After this night I knew, who he was, who he always had been and who he eternally would be: my secret love. It was his voice, with wich the ocean whispered, tempted, threatened, roared. It were his eyes, that I saw in the water. Green-blue, when the sea laid peacefully in front of me. Darkgrey in stormy nights. Whenever I walked along the water, I felt he was near; we talked in a language, we alone could understand. A language, that needed no words; our language was the language of emotions, and he was closer to me, than any human could ever be. There was a bond between us, that drew me towards the ocean, towards him. How often I wanted to give in, how often I wanted to go with him, like he had foretold. But I wasn`t ready yet, wasn`t ready to leave it all behind; I wasn`t ready to give up my life, not even for him. I lived - half at day, half at night. I loved - but only halfhearted. How often he begged me, pleaded, tempted, threatened, roared, but I resisted. It tore me apart to live in two worlds, but I couldn`t make up my mind, I couldn`t make this choice. At day I lived, as if he didn`t exist; and at night nothing else existed but him.

I knew it was a mistake. I knew, I should have prevented it. But why find excuses and apologies now? I let it happen. I knew, it would end terribly and nevertheless I let it happen. It was about five years, when I first spoke to him. I had a boyfriend at that time; Mike, redblonde with twinkling blue eyes. There was nothing mysterious about him, nothing surreal. Everything was easy with him. I liked him and he loved me. Maybe I even loved him back. Being with him was so natural; no pain, no yearning, no questions, no doubts, no temptation I had to resist, just peacefully spent time. One day he wanted to go to the beach with me. I said I didn`t want to. I pleaded, I begged him not to go there. But he only laughed and called me his drama girl. Finally I gave in; against better knowledge I hoped nothing would happen and my secret love would simply accept that I was living two lives.

We hardly had reached the beach, when the sky suddenly darkened and wild stormclouds were racing above our heads. Within seconds the calm sea turned into a raging blackgrey abyss. The water raged, howled, roared and waves crashed against the beach, eating their way through the sand, furious and full of hate. I begged Mike to go; I implored my secret love to spare him. But they didn`t listen to me. Mike stared like hypnotized onto the foaming flood, that poured out onto the sand reaching out for him with hungry tongues of water. I shouted he should disappear; I screamed, I wanted to go home. I shrieked hysterically and cried with despair. Finally I got through to Mike and he turned to me, but it was too late. A black tidal wave rose far above our heads - a shadowy figure with long black hair and wild black eyes riding on its crest- and thundered down to the ground. Miraculously it missed me, but when the water slowly withdrew, Mike wasn`t there anymore. I didn`t need to ask, I didn`t need to see, I knew that he was dead. I didn`t cry, I didn`t shout, I didn`t threaten; I just turned around and went away, quiet and alone. I didn`t listen to the luring whisper in my back, ignored the menacing roaring, didn`t even react to the desperate sighs; I simply went away.

I knew, I had to stay away from now on, that I could never return. I really tried. But in every drop of water I heard him call my name. Even in a single icecrystal I felt his shadowy presence; distorted and muffled, but undoubtedly real. Someday I realized that I couldn`t run anylonger. He had been there, since our first encounter, and he would be always there. I tried to convince myself, that I hated him for what he had done to me, to Mike; I tried to tell myself, that I didn`t want to see him again, that I would never follow into his kingdom; but deep inside I knew the truth. I couldn`t live two lives, I had to choose.

The irony of it all is that I never really had a choice. All I had was time; time to grow; time to realize what I had to give up. I`ve had this time and now I was ready. Ready to go the way, that was predestined since the day I drowned.

And so I have returned. I`m standing on the beach, gazing onto the water, watching one last time, how the sky turns from a light pink over a dark purple into deep black. And as I feel the familiar dragging pain, I resist no longer. I`m gliding into the water, feel how it surrounds my body, flows into my lungs, fills them and takes every breath away. The pressure in my head and breast grows into the unbearable. But I don`t fight it. I let myself sink, apperently weak, and yet it costs the greatest power to give up. Icy pain clutches my heart and inside my head deathly fire burns, but the water chokes each scream of anguish. I`ve long past the borders of my ability to suffer, icy fire consumes my body and soul, but the pain doesn`t stop. I long for the blackness, I yearn for the silence of my wet grave, and that`s when I see him; an unearhtly smile shines in his deep eyes, when he glides towards me and pulls me close at last. When his lips brush mine and he wraps me up into his eternal embrace, the pain ceases. At that moment everything ceases to be. What I have been once, doesn`t exist anymore. I`m a part of him now, merged into him forever, and that`s all I ever was meant to be. One with him, my secret love.