The light of the silent television flickers dimly in the dark, casting an eerie blue glow across my universe. I don’t remember turning it on but the night has stolen the memories of the day as it always does. Staring blindly through a locked window at the other houses, at the orange of the streetlamps reflecting off everything, I can’t seem to see the reasons why I’m still here, still waiting for you. I drain another glass of wine and sit, my eyes constantly moving, constantly watching. I smile as I realise the deep red of the wine matches the varnish on my fingernails almost exactly. My black dress has gone to waste and I want to cut it to shreds while I’m still wearing it, show you the rags and ask how I look. Would you even notice my lips moving or would you be fixed by the flash of pale flesh beneath torn fabric?

The soft scratches of metal on metal as you slowly slide your key into the lock and enter the house. Brush down my dress but I don’t know why. You look at me from across the room, soaking up every detail before your one word apology. I don’t know if you even understand the word, you use it so often, it’s become meaningless; nothing. I want to look away but the power of your gaze holds me fast and I can’t move. You glide across the floor like a ghost, something supernatural holding sway over your mind, your body. You stroke your cold hand down my cheek and I wonder if you’re going to slap it.

Stroke, strike, watch intently as the red rose blooms on my skin.

Your hand moves down, caresses the curve of my breast, I don’t move, I can’t even breathe. You say something but I struggle to hear. Intoxicated by your presence, I have lost my senses, handed them over on a silver platter. I ache to speak, to ask a thousand questions and tell you what I’m feeling but I can’t. I don’t understand my feelings. Your lips brush against mine so softly it tickles and then you kiss me deep. So deep I’m drowning in you wilfully. I know I want to tell you I’m upset and angry but the words are so easily replaceable with lust and desire. I hate you so easily becomes I want you, I need you.

Speechless, I let your hands caress the curve of my back, drawing me near, planting kisses up my neck, in my hair. A soft sigh, neither of us speak, is this how it will forever be? You make me hate you. You make me hate myself. And then you come back. An intoxication of my soul. I breathe you in, I soak you into my skin, I let you into me. Poison me.