Andrea's Soliloquy April 11-12, 2004

I guess I always knew that he never loved me the way I loved him. He may have loved me just as much, I'm not sure... but his love was the kind that appreciated what I put into our relationship, in a non-emotional way. I hid behind a façade of platonic love. I suppose I thought that if I proclaimed with an enthusiastic, yet secretly false, eagerness that my acts were simply of a fiercely dedicated friendship, someday I, myself, might come to believe the lie.

A lot of emotional torture was involved, and I guess he never realized what I was going through. I wanted it that way, of course, if only out of the fear that he might discover my 'dirty little secret,' and there out destroy what I did have. I thought I could be satisfied by my own cherished moments, maybe mixed with a little fantasy here or there. The truth is, that's what destroyed me in the end. What killed me most were the fleeting seconds where the world fell away and I marveled at his quirky smile, got lost in his knowing eyes. No one saw me like he did. It's funny. Come to think, while there were countless times that I was upset about something legit, he was the first, and oftentimes the only, to make note of any subtle changes in my behavior. But in the larger picture, it seemed as though he could not read me at all. I was right there in front of him, and he was a blind man in the dark, following senseless fingertips.