This piece is more informative than entertaining. I'm speaking out on an issue I feel very strongly about: monkeys.

On a sidenote, I don't own Charleton Heston, rights to the movie planet of the apes, or an NRA membership. I do own a

shotgun. if you wanna come at me with your lawyer, (click) Bring It.

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[Int-day. Camera fades in to a studio, where Charleton Heston (CH) sits in one of those director's chair things that

you see on TV know, the foldy ones.]

CH: Hello, I'm Charleton Heston. You may remember me from the original Planet of the Apes, and my time as president of

the National Rifle Association. For years, I fought to protect the rights of americans to own the guns that they use to

kill each other, but now I'm speaking to you about another issue I feel strongly about: Monkeys.

[Fade to video of monkeys in the jungle. CH continues to voice over]

CH: For years, humor writers have tried to make boring situations funny by needlessly adding monkeys. And why it may be

comical to see a monkey driving a schoolbus, of heading the government of a world nation, or simply mauling the elderly,

these authors never stop and think about what happens after the story's over.

[Fade in to a large, zoo like building]

CH: Abandoned and neglected monkeys from funny stories are often unsuitable as pets and unable to re-enter the wild. Then

they come here-to the NRA shelter for unwanted monkeys.

[file footage of monkeys jumping around on tire swings and eating fruit]

CH: Once they arrive here, they're given the best care and medical attention. For a while. And then I shoots 'em! I SHOOTS

'EM AND THEY DIE! I BLOW THEM TO MONKEY HELL BEFORE THEY BLOW UP THE EARTH AND TAKE OVER! I KILL 'EM! DIRTY MONKEY BASTARDS!

DIE!

[Charleton Heston regains his composure and clears his throat. A monkey is led onto the set]

CH: So before you needlessly throw monkeys into a story, stop and think about what will happen to it after the jokes over.

[Close-up of the monkey's face]

CH: Would you really want to hurt this face? Because I would.

[Camera pulls away as CH places a .357 magnum to it's head. A loud bang is heard, and the camera pulls back to Charleton

Heston, now covered with gore.]

CH: So if you really love and respect our monkeys, please-

[Close up of Charleton Heston's blood smeared face]

CH: Keep your paws off those Damn, Dirty Apes.

[That little shooting star from those "The more you know" commercials flys across the screen, before it gets shredded by

gunfire]

CH: Bastard!

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Well folks, that's my take on the monkey issue. I hope I've managed to reach some of you who've been trying to use innocent

sapians as a crutch for your dull imaginations, and that you'll stop before you force me to strike you.

Also, to clear one thing up: I am, in fact, a sadistic bastard. If this reflects in my work, oh well. And if anyone cares,

I should soon be posting an actual story with a semi-coherant plot, instead of fake commercials and random musings. If

you care, watch for it!